


I Could Love You

by Dreamer_88



Category: Shefani
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-10
Updated: 2019-02-06
Packaged: 2019-03-02 23:05:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 54,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13328316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dreamer_88/pseuds/Dreamer_88
Summary: Sittin' hereIt's closing timeYou've got your troubles and I bet they're just like mineSomebody told you goodbyeBut I know a way that can't go wrongNobody leads nobody onAnd nobody's lonely tonight





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this one-shot came to me in the middle of a sleepless night

She doesn’t know what makes her call him.   
  
It’s not like they’ve spent any time together away from the Voice, nor did he ever specifically showed her he wanted to. The only times they found themselves in a space where it was just them two, when one of them ran out of fight and needed a quick escape to their trailers. She’d cry all her make-up off and he wouldn’t even notice she needed a touch-up. He lowered his head on her shoulder in defeat once and she didn’t even care.  
  
It’s like they’ve shared everything, yet nothing.  
  
But now she’s hunched over the kitchen table, trying desperately not to sink to her knees, knowing that once she does, she’ll never get up again. Her hands are gripping the edges of the marble table so tightly; her knuckles turn white and palms are starting to get sore. The pain keeps her focused though; it’s the only thing keeping her from giving in to the destruction of the lifetime of lies and infidelity she used to call a marriage.   
  
Before she’d made the call, she had to get rid of the messes only three young kids could be capable of causing; pacifiers, toys and unfinished drawings all stacked up neatly in drawers and closets somewhere, after being scattered all around the living room floor. It undoubtedly looks better, but the emptiness she feels inside only seems to get emphasized with the tidier-looking mansion.   
  
She tries to keep breathing, her hair falling lazily around her face, while she blows softly against the streaks falling in front of her mouth, only to feel them fall back right into place again; finding some sort of calmness in that motion. The loud buzzer indicating someone was at her gate made her jump from her previous position as she slowly dragged herself towards the door, buzzing him in while waiting for him at the end of her driveway; her arms folding around herself to somewhat protect her from the chilliness of the night air.   
  
Seeing his truck pull up brought a strange feeling of comfort, but the guilt for dragging him out here soon found its way into her thought process, shredding most of her comfort to pieces. He’s out of his car and in front of her in about four large steps and when he reaches out to pull her in one of his signature bear hugs, she doesn’t resist.   
  
His arms go all the way around her, pressing her firmly into his chest and all the sudden she realizes how weak her legs are from clinging onto her kitchen table for so long, as she feels them tremble and then let go. He’s quick to catch her, but there’s a surprise gasp that escapes the back of his throat lowly as he does.   
  
She hears him whisper something in her ear, but she can’t make out the exact words. It must’ve been something like ‘ _let’s get you inside_ ’, cause the next thing she knows he’s pulling her arm around his neck and escorts her inside, before shutting the door safely.

He tries to usher them towards the couch, but with no luck. Her whole body seems to lose its strength and all the fight she’s been feeling all day, keeping her upright, suddenly fades out. He can’t do much but sink down to the floor with her, allowing her to lay over his lap while he rubs slow circles on her back as she cries.  
  
She stains the floor with all the love she lost, choking on the air and sobs escaping her mouth. She can feel it drip down to her ears and chin, her body heavy with failure. If she had to describe this heartache in one word, she’d call it cold; like concrete drying in her chest.  
  
“Gwen.”   
  
Blake’s voice is calm and steady, but she doesn’t answer. Knows she doesn’t have to. He’s not trying to get a reaction from her, he’s simply letting her know he’s here.  
  
She’s not quite sure for how long she cries like that, she isn’t even sure she was conscious for it all, but what she does notice is Blake shifting slightly so he can push some of her hair out of her face, clearing her face to him.

“There you are.”   
  
He smiles down on her gently, his hand never stopping the soothing motions on her back.   
  
“If you’re not up for it yet tell me, but I think we need to get you cleaned up. Maybe some water too?”  
  
His voice is so soft and gentle, the only time she’s ever heard him use that before, was when he was talking to her kids one day when she brought to them to set. She tries not to dwell on it, her hands bawling into tiny fist on his shirt as she nods carefully.   
  
Taking that as his cue, he moves them up slowly, first pulling her into a sitting position before pulling her up to stand; her knees are still wobbly as she reaches for him quickly. Realizing she’s not up for it yet, he picks her up and carries her to the bathroom. She’d fight it if she could, but she’s too tired and too touched by the gesture to do anything other than lower her head onto his shoulder and tighten her arm around his neck.  
  
  
  
  
Sitting at the kitchen table with a glass of water cradled between her hands, watching Blake trying to make himself comfortable with her cabinets and coffee maker, everything seems normal for a second. Minus the fact that it’s _Blake_ in her kitchen, that is. But it’s a sight that looks almost domestic, peaceful, something quite foreign to her yet so familiar.   
  
After the second cup of coffee gets messed up and thrown away as waste, she hears him curse under his breath. “ _Damnit_.”  
  
“You need any help?” She chuckles, feeling slightly bad and maybe also a tiny bit entertained.  
  
“No, I got it.” He says quickly, telling her to stay put. She watches as he goes for another try on the fancy machine he’s obviously not accustomed with, his hands flying up in a surrendering gesture only minutes later. “You know what, water will do.”  
  
He goes for the faucet above the sink, before her timid voice reaches his ears.

“Don’t be silly.” She laughs. “You’re pressing the wrong button. It’s the one on the left.”  
  
He looks at her with a fake look of hurt on his face and her eyebrows raise in reply.

“You’re telling me you’ve been watching me struggle for an hour, knowing all I had to do was press another button?”  
  
Laughter spills out of her lips then, true and inhibited and it almost shocks her after not having done so in a long time.   
  
“I’m sorry. You just looked so cute while trying to figure it out.”  
  
She mentally slaps herself as soon as the words leave her lips and god, she doesn’t know what’s wrong with her. Blake is only momentarily thrown off, before regaining his composure. “I think you just like to see me struggle.”  
  
“I can’t deny it’s been a great distraction.”   
  
Finally succeeding into getting his cup of coffee, he makes his way to the chair next to her, a soft smile gracing his lips at her words. “In that case, it was my pleasure.”  
  
After a few moments of silence, she realizes she has to confront what’s actually going on here; she needs to address the fact she literally made this man come out here at an ungodly hour, just because she lost it during one of the first nights of her kids sleeping at their dad’s.   
  
“I’m sorry for calling you, Blake.”   
  
His response is quick and firm, obviously not there for her apology. “Gwen, don’t apologize for taking me up on my promise.”   
  
She shakes her head unconvinced. “I shouldn’t have.”  
  
If she knew any better, she’d say she detected a hint of disappointment in his face, his breath coming out harshly but controlled.   
  
“For what it’s worth, I’m glad you did.”  
  
His words shake her, but she won’t let him see just how much. She won’t let him see how much she values the honesty she hears in his voice, honesty she’s been searching after her whole life, but never seemed to get until now. She won’t let him see how much she needed to hear him say that, the feeling of being unwanted or bad company much too present in her mind. She won’t let him see how much she actually wants him to hold her right now, despite the situation they’re both still in.   
  
“I knew once we signed the agreement that it would kill me.” Her voice is barely a whisper. “It’s the one thing I wasn’t wrong about.”  
  
He swallows roughly and she can see he’s contemplating on touching her hand in a supportive gesture, her gaze lowering in disappointment when he decides against it.

“I’m so sorry, Gwen. I can’t imagine what that must feel like.”  
  
It’s the only thing that separates their situations from each other. They’re both in the middle of a divorce, both have been crushed by infidelity, but only one of them has kids.  
  
“I feel like such a horrible mom, Blake. I literally failed them.” Her breath hitches at the end of her sentence and tears are falling from her eyes again, onto her hand that’s stilled on the table.   
  
Earlier reservations flying out of the window, his hand touches the soft skin of her hand lightly, before lowering his entire palm on top of hers.

“Don’t even say that.” He sounds adamant, but she can’t help but turn her gaze away and shake her head. “I mean it, Gwen. I’ve seen you with them multiple times now and I always wonder how you do it. You have so much going on, you’re doing so much by yourself, give so much of yourself to so many people, yet you’re the most engaged, loving mom I’ve ever come across. I’m not just saying that.”  
  
“ _Blake_ …...” Her soft whisper comes through tears.   
  
“You didn’t fail them. If anything, you fail yourself by thinking that.”  
  
Her breath stutters and then her hand is squeezing his’s tightly, not caring about anything else but the feeling of him being there with her, piecing back the pieces of her heart she’s been pouring out all evening.   
  
“It’s just so weird. I want to go through with this, but it’s the last thing I’ve ever wanted.” Her words come out slowly, it’s almost like she has a drunken slur.   
  
“I don’t think that’s weird.” He shakes his head, his own breath catching when he speaks.   
  
“Sometimes I forget you’re literally going through the same thing.”  
  
She watches him swallow in front of her and he looks exposed. She understands and almost regrets her words, because if there’s one thing she can relate to, it’s someone else verbalizing her situation makes it that much more real. It’s not just a bubble she’s living in anymore: others can see and interject now.   
  
She lets herself get lost in the man next to her, taking notice of his tired eyes squinting to adjust to the bright lights of her kitchen, his large hand fidgeting and ticking on her counter almost compulsory. But the thing that really stands out is how attractive he is; his lightly-stubbled jaw forever lifting with a warm, genuine smile, his eyes the type of blue you could get lost in for hours, he traded in his overly baggy t-shirts for a black one that actually fit, exposing the more than good state his body is in, his hair is a weird salt and pepper mixture that hints at an untamed individuality which was far removed from the tedium of conventional male good looks, yet oozed with a masculinity and confidence that only a few could pull off. She’s never took notice of him like _that_ before, but she suddenly can’t unsee it.

“I thank God for that now.” His gentle voice comes, whilst her own face covers in surprise at his words. “I wish none of this would’ve happened to us, but since that’s not an option, I’m thankful to have someone who gets what I’m going through at the exact same time.”

She nods her head in understanding. “Me too.”

Her thin finger scrapes at the place just beside of her nose, before taking a deep breath in. “Can I ask you something really personal? If you don’t want to answer me I totally get it.”

He chuckles then, a low, knowing sound and bites his lip briefly. “I’ll answer you.”

“Have you always felt like Miranda was going to be _it_ for you?”

A moment of hesitation shows up on his face before he answers and she makes a mental note of that.

“I’ve always felt like I _wanted_ it to be her.”

“But you didn’t _know_?”

“I guess you can never truly know.”

His words sound bitter to her own ears and sensing how it’s not the answer to the question she really asked, he tries again, shooting for straightforward honesty this time. “I’ve always known we ignored too many red flags at the very beginning. I think the one thing I know, is that we really know nothing.”

That very sentence is enough for that feeling in her chest to dwell up, squeezing most of the air out. She lets out a shaky breath in a failed attempt to gain her composure, but she can feel her control slipping.

“Do we really not know or were we just desperate enough to settle.” She asks more to herself than Blake.  
  
“Maybe we settle cause we don’t know better.”

“I had an amazing example growing up. I can’t use that excuse, Blake.”

It’s not until she watches Blake jaw clench, his fingers smoothing out a wrinkle in his jeans to keep himself occupied, that she realizes what she just implied.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean.....”

“It’s okay. Don’t worry about it.” He smiles at her in an attempt to convince her. “We’re not the same, I don’t take offense in you needing to point that out.”

“No Blake, that’s not it. I don’t even know why I said it, it just slipped out.”  
  
“The truth does that sometimes.”  
  
She tries desperately to read his expression, this mixture between sarcasm and honesty from him not one she’s familiar with and she wonders if this is one of his coping mechanisms.  
  
“Blake...”  
  
“It’s okay, Gwen.”  
  
“I just haven’t been able to talk this openly with anyone in such a long time, it’s almost like I forgot how to do it.”  
  
She bites her lip nervously, the static in the room surrounding them felt thick as she breathed it in, coating the inside of her throat.   
  
“All I want from a conversation nowadays is honesty. I don’t need comfortable, I don’t need familiar. Hell, I’ll take a goddamn fight over a civil conversation right now, as long as we’re being honest. That’s the truth.”  
  
She sucks in another deep breath at his words, the rawness of his statement palpable everywhere in her body. “I can relate to that.”  
  
“I know you can.”   
  
Suddenly she’s up on her feet, the tension in her body slowly subsiding, forcing a surge of energy to run through her. “I think you’re right.”  
  
He looks up at her slightly confused. “About what?”  
  
“About settling. I wanted him to love me the way my parents love each other. I was so desperate for that, I settled.”  
  
It takes Blake less than two seconds to get on his feet to stand beside her, nudging her after staring for a while.   
  
“Do you happen to have some wine?” A small grin forming on his lips.  
  
“Do I happen to have..... Are you kidding me, Blake?” She shakes her head in fake-disbelieve, while making a detour for her refrigerator, opening it wide enough for Blake to be able to see the content from where he’s standing.   
  
Retreating one of the red wines from her fridge, she motions for Blake to come closer as he comes around the kitchen island.   
  
“Could you get two glasses from the upper cabinet, please?”  
  
As he does so, she starts cutting off the foil with a small knife, before pushing the tip of the corkscrew in the middle of the wine cork and pushes it slightly, her tongue catching between her teeth in concentration. “Can I ask you why the sudden need for a drink?”  
  
He chuckles before placing both glasses on the counter beside her. “We’re toasting.”  
  
His words had barely left his mouth when the cork finally dislodges and she squeaks in surprise.   
  
“Toasting to what?”  
  
“Never ever settling again.”  
  
She feels anxiety creep into her chest at his words, the promise of his toast sounding almost dangerously progressive, as if she was about to give up the very essence of what her life had been for years. Scared of the change it implies, she still lifts the glass to her lips, watching him intently as he does the same.  
  
One drink turns into two, and two turn into a bunch and she honestly has lost track by now. That light, drunken feeling isn’t one she has gotten to experience much, due to being a mom and not wanting to drink her marital problems away, but tonight is a night of letting go. A night of new beginnings. A night where she and Blake don’t have to follow any rules. The alcohol makes her bolder too, the thought of acting on her sudden attraction to the cowboy in front of her, suddenly not such a bad idea; her hand rumples through her hair frequently just to draw attention to it and when he takes a step closer, invading her space, she does nothing to stop it.   
  
Somewhere in the back of her mind she knows she’s walking into her own destruction, flirting with a guy who’s life is in shambles as well, knowing full well it’s a recipe for disaster. But nothing in her life makes sense right now, the only thing constant is the buzzed feeling she’s experiencing right now and the ever-so-bright kindness radiating from Blake, that’s way too compelling for her own good.   
  
“You feeling any better?” Blake slurs out with difficulty, supplying himself with another beverage, his hand sneaking inside his pocket.   
  
“Let’s see; my life still exploded in my face and I’m about to be a forty-something divorcee, but at least my company is more than good right now.” She blushes as she settles her drink on the counter.   
  
“If it makes you feel any better, I think you’re ex is a class A asshole for treating you the way he did. And a dumb one at that.”

She smiles at the drunken attempt to cheer her up, but there’s an underlying hopefulness that maybe his words weren’t solely a result from the alcohol running through his veins.

 

~

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, guess who’s still here! I’m sorry it took me so long to post anything else, it’s been a crazy couple of weeks. First of I wanna thank everyone who left a comment on “Possibilities”, it means the world to have people react positively to anything that I write. I do have to disappoint any of you who wish for more chapters on that one though, cause I intended for the story to end there & don’t want to ruin the quality just for the sake of posting. I’m sorry.
> 
> But, I would love to turn this story into a multi-chapter one, so please let me know in the comments if any of you would be interested in that. I’m gonna shut up now; this chapter might be a bit rusty, I’m trying to get the hang of it again. Enjoy!

The only indication of it being early in the morning comes from the light illuminating the living room. She brings a hand over her face to shield her sensitive eyes until she wakes enough to reluctantly uncover her face. Streaks of sunlight penetrate the window as she sits up and slowly drags her feet off the couch, rubbing her knuckles onto her eyes. It’s not until she’s stretching her arms above her head and yawns, that she finds a sleeping cowboy on the floor next to her.

She looks over to the kitchen table to find an unscrewed wine bottle—which from the looks of it is empty.

Panic settles in as she searches desperately for any recollection of what happened last night, causing her to pace and eventually clean up the kitchen area. It’s in that panicked frenzy that she also accidently wakes him up.

She hears him groan from his place on the floor and she turns around quickly, making her way back to the couch. Watching him wake up is strangely enough soothing, but makes her feel bad all the same. His joints must be killing him later in the day from sleeping on the cold, hard floor all night, the soft quilt he’s covered with only able to do so much. On reflex, her hand reaches out to his shoulder and rubs slow circles until his eyes finally open to meet hers.

He gives her a small smile and It provides her with a warmth spreading throughout her whole body. It’s dazzling and inviting, but she retreats her hand because of it all the same. She’s used to waking up in the morning and have that fleeting moment of feeling whole again, only to watch it evaporate seconds later; she’d wake up almost violently as the realization kicks in as if she’d been woken by sirens wailing. Having this gorgeous man looking up at her sweetly as one of the first things she sees, brings a calmness she hasn’t felt in months.

“Morning.” The baritone of his voice seems to shake her whole body, the low rasp that is his morning voice, comforting in a way that wraps all around her and transcends her to a place where things aren’t all wrong with her life.

She flushes when she realizes he’s still waiting for an answer and he smiles knowingly. “Good morning, cowboy.”

“I didn’t mean to intrude like this”, he says softly. “I hope you know I didn’t come over here so I could stay the night.”

She’s reminded of why she woke up in a panic in the first place and all her anxious feelings come flooding back instantly. The air suddenly becomes harder to inhale and her thoughts feel scattered like an electrical storm in her head.

“Did we…...did anything happen? I mean, with us…. did anything happen between us?”

She could hear the words coming out brokenly and repetitive, but she wasn’t in control enough to do anything about it. Blake stared at her wide-eyed before sitting up himself.

“Gwen no, ofcourse not. I would never…… _no_ , nothing happened.”

Her mind is reeling too much to make any sense of anything and she rubs her forehead in an attempt to ease the pounding headache that’s starting to form.

When he realizes she’s not about to say anything, his sweet voice reaches her ears again.

“You don’t remember what happened last night?” It’s a statement disguised as a question and she shakes her head softly.

“I mean, I remember me calling you.”

Her voice is hoarse due to the drinking or the crying she did last night, she’s not quite sure.

“Anything else?” He pushes gently.

Her eyes squint as she tries to recall more memories from the night before, her brain struggling to keep up with her.

“Did you clean my face?”

He chuckles softly. “Yeah, I promise it wasn’t as weird as it sounds right now.”

“What happened?” She asks innocently.

“You’d been crying for quite a while, to the point where you nearly blacked out.” He starts softly, careful not to embarrass her. “I wanted to stay around after that, but I figured you might wanted to get cleaned up a bit first. You could barely stand though, so I figured I’d help you.”

She’s quiet as she takes in his story, in disbelief over the fact she can’t recall a moment of it.

“Do you mind? Did I overstep?” The insecurity in his voice pains her in a way that makes her want to crawl in his arms and push the thought out of his mind for good, but instead she shakes her head furiously.

“God no”, she breathes. “I think it’s the sweetest thing. Thank you for that.”

He seems to visibly relax under her words and pushes the thin quilt off of his body, revealing his jeans and t-shirt and she gasps softly.

“Oh my god Blake, you must’ve been so uncomfortable. You had to sleep in that _and_ on my floor, none the less.”

He shakes his head, his turn to ease her flaring insecurities now. “It’s fine, Gwen. I would sleep in jeans on your floor countless times if it meant I could help you somehow.”

The crazy thing is that she believes him right away. He’s the type of guy who’d extend his hand and actually stay while you show your scars and fears. He’s the type of guy to let her come close without taking advantage and let her return without shame. After twenty years of dealing with the complete opposite, being showered with that type of selflessness make flowers grow inside her heart.

“Still, I shouldn’t have let you sleep on the floor.”

He waves his hand in a way to dismiss her statement.

“It was my idea. Besides, you gave me this little thing and kept me warm just fine.” He says as he teasingly tugs at the quilt that once covered his sleeping frame.

She huffs. “I don’t even remember giving you that.”

“I’ve had my fair share of hangovers and trust me, they can be ruthless.”

Her throat feeling dry and sore and her pounding headache make her agree with his statement before she can even verbalize it. “Talking about that, how is yours? You feeling OK?”

She grabs her forehead instinctively and cocks her head slightly. “Headache is pretty bad, other than that I’m alright.”

She already feels bad enough for keeping him out here all night, without him having to worry about her feeling a mess too. He gives her an incredulous look, indicating he’s not fully buying it though.

“How about you just lay down for a few more minutes and I fix you something to eat.”

“Blake, you don’t have to do that. I’m fine, really.”

She stands up and holds her hands up to make a point, but the sudden movement brings a wave of nausea with her and she sits back down almost as quickly as she got up.

“Right”, he chuckles lowly. “Look, I’ve already gotten a little familiar with your kitchen cabinets last night, so just let me help you out.”

She scrunches her nose, not liking the feeling of being a responsibility to him.

“You probably have things to do, places to be. I don’t want to keep you here because I’m being needy.”

“I don’t have anywhere to be. I want to be here, Gwen.” The statement leaves her stunned momentarily and he looks at her hopeful. “So what do you say? You’re gonna quit being stubborn?”

She laughs at that and throws her hands up in a surrendering motion, letting her back hit the couch cushions again.

“Fine. Just don’t let me take up any more time than you’re willing to lose.”

He’s halfway out of the living room when she hears his soft reply.

“You can have all of it.”

*

 

“Oh my god, it looks great, baby.” As much as she wishes her ex-husband had communicated it before they just went and did it, she means it when she gives Kingston the compliment.

“Dad said I could dye it completely purple, but not without asking you first, so we just went with some streaks.”

She’s surprised he even thought to consult her at some point, but tries not to make that obvious in front of her excited child.

“Go stand by the window, King. Let me see it in better lighting.”

Her oldest obeys and moves to stand closer to the window, the light articulating the purple parts more. The excitement in which he’s showing her makes her heart well up—she misses them immensely, but these impromptu FaceTime calls make it a lot more bearable.

“I love it, it totally suits you.”

“Thank you mom, we miss you.”

She swallows back the lump in her throat and wills her tears to go away. Going through a divorce has been absolute hell, but she would go to the pain of a process like that ten times over if she didn’t have to feel the pain of not having her babies with her full-time. Nothing hurts her more than knowing her kids are negatively affected by it all, which is part of the reason why she stuck around so long despite all the bullshit Gavin put her through.

Putting her best brave face on, she smiles softly at her beautiful boy on the other end of the line as she addresses him.

“I miss you too, sweetheart. I’ll see you in a couple days, OK?”

He nods yes before motioning with his hand for her to wait as he gets Zuma and Apollo in the shot as well. “They wanted to say hi too.”

Seeing all her boys brings an instant smile on her face as she blows them all kisses. “I love you three so much.”

“Mom, can I dye my hair too?” Zuma asks immediately.

She shakes her head in laughter and wiggles her index finger at him. “We’ll talk about that another time.”

In the background, she can hear Gavin call for the boys and she knows the conversation is over.

“Be good to your dad, alright. I’ll see you guys soon.”

They all wave at her and she’s just in time to catch ‘Pollo blowing a kiss her way before the line disconnects. She takes a few moments to take some deep breathes in, the phone still clutched tightly in her hand.

“That can’t be easy.”

His Southern drawl is what prevents her from falling into that dark hole of self-destruction as she looks up and smiles at him standing in the doorway. She knows he waited in the kitchen until she finished her call, as he comes back to sit next to her on the couch, handing her a cup of coffee.

“Thank you.” She nods.

She still can’t believe he opted to stay with her until she decides to kick him out—which if it’s up to her, isn’t anytime soon.

“I just hate how they’re falling victim to our mistakes, you know?”

Blake’s gaze is fixated on her and if she wasn’t craving his attention so bad, she’d be uncomfortable.

“This is not your fault, Gwen.”

She scoffs. “I don’t know. I decided to marry that guy, I was the one who wanted to have kids with him. I knew who he was and was foolish enough to think I could tame him. Now here we are and my kids are being dragged along between two addresses. Who’s fault is that?”

“You weren’t the one who fucked the nanny, Gwen.”

His blunt comment causes her to tense up for a second, not used to him being so forward, but getting used to his sheer honesty nonetheless. She takes a deep breath and sighs sadly, because no matter how much his words had stung, she knows he’s right.

“Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever get over this.” She admits softly.

“You will.”

“You say that now.” She says with a bitter laugh. “Until you realize months from now, I’m still this fragile mess and you won’t want to be around that anymore.”

She didn’t mean for her insecurities to rise the way they did once more, her words laced with vulnerability and fear.

“That’s not gonna happen, _darlin_.” He turns to face her, his hand pulling a loose strand of hair behind her ear. “I’m still going to be here for you, I’m still going to want to spend time with you, no matter what you tell me.”

She shakes her head. “Why?”

“Because for the first time in a long time, I feel like I can be myself around someone. It’s easy with you, even while we’re going through the hardest times of our lives.”

She sniffles and lets her cheek lean against his hand for a while, not intending to be that close to him at all, but not being able to refrain herself from doing so either.

“I wish you wouldn’t have to leave at all.” 

The admission hangs quietly between them before he speaks up.

“I don’t have to go just yet.”

She knows having him around is tricky, because as messed up as she’s feeling, she can’t deny that his presence has been the only thing that kept her from going crazy. The way her heart rate spirals out of control when she’s around him or how his voice alone can get her to blush furiously, are all warning signs telling her to watch out.

Instead, she jumps at the opportunity to have him around her longer.

“You could stay another night if you want?” She couldn’t believe the words coming out of her mouth and backtracks almost immediately. “I mean, I didn’t mean it like _that_ , but just like we did last night…. without the drinking. It’s probably stupid, I shouldn’t have asked.”

“Hey, hey”, he interrupts her rambling. “You don’t have to freak out. I would love to stay over another night. Just casual, no expectations.”

Even though nothing about their relationship is casual, hearing him say those words calm her down immensely.

“I promise I won’t let you sleep on the floor this time either.” She chuckles softly.

When he laughs, she’s one-hundredth percent certain she’s screwed.

“I’m not gonna say no to that.”

 

*

 

“Didn’t you once tell me you never make it through movies?” She teases.

“Probably won’t.” He admits with a chuckle. “But I don’t mind giving it my best shot for you.”

With a warm cup of coffee cradled tightly between her hands, she finds herself sitting on her living room floor with Blake, both under the same blanket this time, but still managing to keep a little bit of space. It’s a comfortable feeling being this close to him, while knowing she’s safe with him to do so. He’s still on his plate of noodles and he gives her a small wink before he swallows, indicating that his latest comment was indeed meant as some harmless flirting.

“No, I can’t have you watch this movie and not see all of it. I’m an all or nothing kinda girl, Blake.”

He wiggles his eyebrows and she pushes against his shoulder in faux-protest.

“Alright, I have an idea about what we could do instead…”

“If it’s something crazy like strip poker or something, I’m kicking you out.” She laughs.

He pretends to be hurt and lowers his plate, wiping his hands on his pants once before addressing her.

“Really Gwen?” He chuckles. “I was thinking about something more like……I don’t know……twenty questions?”

“Twenty questions?”

He raises an eyebrow and challenges her.

“What, are you intimidated?”

She rolls her eyes for good measure and bites her lip; if he wants to play games, he’s so on. “Let’s play.”

He motions for her to start and when she has something in mind, she signals him off. “I got it.”

“Is it edible?” He asks

She nods. “It can be.”

“It _can_ be?” He repeats, making a face. “What the hell does that even mean, Gwen?”

She shrugs casually, enjoying the mindfuck for a moment. “It means you can put it in your mouth, it won’t kill you if you eat it.”

It’s his turn to roll his eyes at her now, but she can tell he’s enjoying this too. “Is it actually food?”

She bites her lip trying to stifle a laugh.

“It’s most definitely not.”

He runs a hand down his face, looking at her in semi-confusion. “Is it big?”

Not able to contain herself any longer, the laugh she was trying to supress finds its way out and she shakes her head slightly. “Some are, some aren’t.”

He narrows his eyes, bumping into her gently. “You have a very dirty mind, Gwen Stefani.”

Trying not to focus too long on how it made her feel, hearing him say her full name like that, she regains her composure and looks at him mischievously.

“I don’t know where your mind went there, cowboy. I was obviously talking about a plant.”

He grabs one of the pillows off the couch and chucks it her way, smacking her with it. “You know damn well that’s not what you meant.”

She laughs and throws it back at him, still not letting up. “You just asked questions that made it seem as if I meant something gross.”

He winks at her once more and she swears that’s the moment something undeniably clicked for her. Something about Blake makes her feel young inside, but not in a childish way—but in a way that wakes up the purest parts of her, all the faucets of herself that only need love to be healthy and whole.

“Everything OK there, Gwen?” He asks softly, the lines around his eyes slightly crinkling.

Realizing she drifted off there for a minute, she smiles up at him and lets her shoulder casually lean against his, the distance between their bodies pretty much gone, but not feeling suffocating for even a second.

“I’m great”, she says honestly, meaning every single word. “Just thinking about how crazy it is that I’m literally happy right now.”

He looks her way, unable to keep a smile off his face. “You deserve to be.”

It makes no sense how yesterday she was literally sobbing in his arms, to the point where he had to carry her to the bathroom to clean her up, and now she was enjoying his company, falling into some easy banter—and maybe even some flirting—with a guy she never considered to be more than a co-worker before their lives blew up.

“You make me feel like there’s hope for me to be.”

Silence hangs in the air for a while, but instead of the silence she’s used to from all these years with Gavin—the violent kind, the one where it hangs in the air like that suspended moment right before a falling glass shatters on the ground—this one with Blake was peaceful and somehow speaks for itself.

His crystal blue eyes are looking deep into her hazel brown ones, reflecting all the emotion held inside. When he smiles it only makes it stand out more, her heart fluttering before he dares to speak.

“Where there’s you, there’s hope, Gwen.”


	3. Chapter 3

After Blake had helped her take care of the dishes, they found themselves on the couch together watching some nature show she has trouble recollecting. Most of the time she’d spent looking at the extraordinary man sitting beside her, wondering how God managed to bring her a friend amid all this craziness; someone who was going through the exact same thing at the exact same time.

She thinks he must’ve felt her staring at him a bunch of times, but luckily for her, he never pointed it out. It’s one of the things that makes her feel so safe and secure with him—he doesn’t need answers right away; he doesn’t need her to have it all together. She can be confused, conflicted, hurt. None of these things make him look at her any less or seem to affect his willingness to spend time with her.

After a couple hours, she starts to drift off a little, her head lingering against his shoulder involuntarily. She tries to catch herself the first time it happens, but when she can feel him visibly relax under her touch, she allows herself to bask in the comfort he is giving her. She can’t remember ever craving someone’s presence more than she does in this moment—her aching heart seeking desperate solace in him.

“Your tired, pretty girl?”

Despite the fatigue that was threatening to take her under, she couldn’t possibly miss the way her body reacted to the new pet name. She’s used to him calling her “buddy” and even upgrading to “darling”, but pretty girl was a new one—one she could get used to.

“Sorry”, she yawned. “I know we’ve barely done anything today. You’d think I could stop being so boring and last through a night.”

He shakes his head and rubs her arm softy. “I don’t think that at all. I think that all these emotions you have to sort through all day are enough to exhaust any normal person.”

She knows she shouldn’t’ let herself go there, but Blake’s attentiveness and genuine interest in her hits her in the deepest parts of herself. Lifting her head of his shoulder, she shifts so she’s facing him and after a few seconds of just looking at him, she throws her hands around his neck and presses herself against him. The moment of hesitation he shows before wrapping his own arms around her, let’s her know he’s surprised, but all is forgotten the moment his strong arms embrace her. She doesn’t know why the moment he rubs slow circles on her back, she starts crying. Softly at first, little sniffling noises muffled by his shirt, until they grow into breathy sobs. He lets her cry, doesn’t shush her or try to calm her with words—he waits until she’s ready to face some words herself, occasionally massaging her back in a supporting gesture, letting her know he’s still here.

“I’m so sorry”, she sniffs. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“I wish you would stop selling yourself so short, Gwen. Why are you so afraid of your feelings?” He asks gently. “Especially around me.”

She shakes her head, unable to answer him. All she wants to do is bury her head in his chest some more and feel his hands hold her steady on her back.

“I want to be my old self again.” She whispers eventually.

“You will be, you’re not gonna lose sight of yourself forever after one miserable year.” His quick reply comes.

She chuckles bitterly, the sound painful even to her own ears. “Try twenty.”

He’s quiet for a while after her admission and for a moment she thinks she’s shocked him too much; he’s realizing how much of a messed-up person she actually is and now he’s checked out. She can’t blame him, he has enough on his own plate to be dealing with her crazy issues.

“You’re an incredible person, Gwen”, his voice is soft and gentle but she can feel her whole body shake with the force of his words. “I know you’ve been made to feel like all of that doesn’t matter—like none of that was enough, but it is. All that you are is all that you need to be and the sooner you start to realize that, the quicker you’ll feel like yourself again.”

Despite the heaviness in her stomach, it flutters at his words and never-ending gentle touches on her back.

“Oh my god Blake, now I’m crying again.”

Her small fingers grab at his shirt as the tears fall down her face once more, her trembling body sinking even deeper into his warmth. “I can’t believe you’re still here. I can’t believe how much you’re helping me.”

“Why wouldn’t I still be here, Gwen?”

“I don’t know, I guess.”

Re-adjusting her position slightly, she’s now sitting almost fully on his lap, causing Blake to grab the blanket from behind the couch and drapes it over them easily. “I think you do know.”

She knows he’s not the one to push her ever, but sensing that she needs to talk about it, he doesn’t let it go. Deep down, she’s grateful for his persistence, but the very fearful part of her is dreading the moment these words will leave her lips.

“What are you so afraid of?” He asks again.

Sighing deeply for a moment, she decides to let it all go.

“I’m scared of scaring you off. I’m afraid that you see me how the whole world sees me, instead of the way _he_ saw me. Once you see me that way too, I’ll be left with nothing.”

His hands that were caressing her arms now instead of her back, finally stilled—and she was already desperately missing his touch.

“How did he see you, Gwen?”

She tried to run from this, tried to avoid this conversation at all costs, because she knows she won’t be able to disguise the hurt and truth that will spill out of her once she does. But Blake had a way of getting her to open up, a way of making her feel safe that has all her walls tumbling down in an instant.

“I…. _he_ —I don’t know…”

His hands moving up her body again ease some of these crippling nerves that come flaring up. He rubs both of her shoulders before unexpectedly planting a soft kiss on the top of her head. “Tell me, baby girl.”

She lets out a breath before turning her body around slightly to face him. His expression is gentle and knowing, like he knows exactly how she’s feeling and he’s telling her without words that he hates it.

“I’ve never felt like I lived up to what he wanted. I was never pretty enough, never smart enough, never talented enough.” She pauses. “I spent so much time trying to be a certain way for him, I completely let go of who I really was deep down. He never really liked the real me too much.”

“He told you that?”

“He didn’t have to. I would wear less make-up and he’d tell me he liked me better with it on. He wouldn’t pay much attention to me unless I was doing what he wanted me to be doing. The real me never managed to keep his attention.”

“All that means is he didn’t deserve you.”

Even though she knows he means well, it’s frustration she feels more than anything else.

“Is that why things didn’t work out between you and Miranda? Cause she didn’t deserve you?”

The question seems to throw him off, his face scrunching like he just ate something sour and his eyes are avoiding hers. She feels bad the moment the words leave her lips, but it’s too late to take them back now and all she can do is watch yet another friendship crumble right before her eyes.

“What do _you_ think?” He asks softly.

The way he sounds so vulnerable just now is too much for her and she’s out of his reach in an instant, her arms crossing in front of her chest as she paces around. Blake stays seated on the couch, but his eyes never wander from her anxious body.

“I’m sorry.” She whispers, tears prickling in her eyes. “I shouldn’t have asked that.”

“Answer it for me.” He presses. “Answer your own question, Gwen.”

“Our stories aren’t the same.” She whispers.

Truthfully, this isn’t a path she wants to go down, because she knows he understands her well, she knows their stories are similar, but after dealing with the opposite of Blake for so long, she almost forgot how it works to have a conversation with someone who doesn’t belittle her feelings.

He stands up then, not closing the distance between them, but finally letting the tension get the best of him too. “You know they are.”

She’s softly crying as she speaks. “You should’ve never went through something like this.”

“No one should.” He says in a soft tone. “That includes you. You shouldn’t….”—

“—There’s no happy ending for me, Blake.” She interrupts, reaching for the head of the couch to steady herself. “I’ve got to live out my story, the way it’s written for me and it doesn’t have a fairytale ending. I just have to accept that there are just some things I’ll never have. Some things…. some things I just have to stop hoping for.”

Finally stepping into her personal space, he lifts a hand to brush a stray of hair out of her face. “You don’t even know how unbelievable wrong you are, right now.”

“You’re just saying that cause you have to make me feel better.” She whispers.

“I’m not, darlin’.” He says while running his hand down her arm, as he links his fingers with hers. It might be the most intimate thing he’s done yet and her heart starts pounding uncontrollably; there’s something about this man she just can’t explain, but feels everywhere. “I’m saying it because it’s true.”

Being so close to him while he’s speaking those words to herhas her mind going into overdrive. His fingers intertwined with hers feels so right, she wonders if this could possibly be wrong.

“Blake….”

He shakes his head softly, in an attempt to ease her nerves. “I won’t.”

The words should make her feel calm indeed, but instead she’s filled with even more hollowness. The acceleration of her heartbeat has nothing to do with fear at this point and everything to do with what her body really wants.

She uses her free hand to run up his chest, feeling the way his own heartbeat was racing just as fast as hers, perfectly in sync.

“I want you to.” She admits softly, her voice throaty and dry.

He shakes his head gently, holding her gaze still. “No you don’t.”

She nods. “I do.”

His hand gently grabs hers off his chest as he holds it tightly. “You’re sad, Gwen.”

There’s a flicker of hurt in her eyes. “I know what I want.”

“And I know that what you want right now, is exactly what you’ll regret in the morning.”

“Stop making these decisions for me.”

For a moment, there’s dead silence. All she can hear is the pounding of her own heart and the rough swallows. It’s like all her emotions and feelings towards Blake come mounting in unison and she’s damn near busting at the seams. Even though he seems to have it a bit more under control, it’s obvious he wants her too.

Aside from that, it’s hard to figure out what’s going on in his head. She could see a whirlwind of emotions flowing through his eyes and she feels guilty for making things even more complicated, but at the same time can’t help herself from attaching herself to him.

When she takes another step forward, standing chest to chest with him, she finally gets a reaction out of him.

“I don’t want to make any of this harder on you.”

She shakes her head. “You won’t.”

Deep down she realizes this makes everything more complicated, but that doesn’t stop her from pulling him into an embrace, clinging onto his neck the moment his arms engulf her back. She presses her lips softly to the underside of his jaw, as she feels him stiffen slightly at the feel of her lips, her warm breath on his neck.

“ _Gwen_ ….” His arm tightens around her involuntarily.

Her limbs feel heavy and there’s a rush of arousal running through her body—a feeling she hasn’t felt in quite a while, definitely not for anyone other than her ex-husband and it has her panting before he’s even put his lips on her.

“Please Blake.”

Blake’s gaze is firmly planted on her lips and she waits for the inevitable moment he lets go and just goes for it. He was going to give in, she knew that much, but in his mind, he needed some more time to prepare. When he finally tangles his hands in her hair and pushes her face towards him, there’s only time for a small gasp on her part, before he softly parts her lips with his own.

The groan that falls from his lips is absorbed by hers, lost in the sounds of their kisses and caresses that are turning more heated by the minute; she feels it spreading everywhere, fiery tendrils slithering through her veins, leaving her heart pounding and her entire body pliable and waiting.

“Jesus, Gwen.” He manages to get out as they part briefly for air, only to dive back into each other the next second, a swirl of tongue and teeth, as he presses her back against the nearest wall.

She knows what they’re doing is probably a mistake—the last thing she needs is to add another person to her already messy life, but the way his lips nip and lick at hers, or the way his hands venture down from her neck to her ribs and hold her hips steady against his, has her not caring about any of it. It’s been so long since she’s felt wanted and _needed_ like this, she feels like she might die if he pulls away.

“Oh shit.” She breathes out heavily as he sucks at a sensitive area in her neck, unable to keep her hips from bucking up at him. The curse that slips through his lips as her centre makes contact with his clothed erection, has her throwing all caution to the wind.

Her hand ventures down to his waistband, pushing him further up against her, while her other hand goes to work on the buttons of his shirt.

“Darlin’” He pants, as she blinks up at him, feeling a certain power at seeing him so affected by her.

“Yes?” She asks slyly, her fingers fumbling with the last button of his shirt.

“Shit.” He groans as he grabs her wrist, effectively stopping her movements.

She gazes up at him coyly, eyes dancing with passion and lust, but she releases the cotton fabric from her hands regardless. She can tell he’s trying to regain some semblance of control and while doing so, his forehead comes to rest against hers, their breathes mingling in what little space lingers between them.

His eyes close momentarily before he addresses her.

“This isn’t right.” He whispers.

His words feel like a physical punch to her stomach, her chest still heaving as she tries desperately to find the same control Blake seemingly has obtained.

“I feel close to you.” She whispers. “I want to _feel_ something with you—why is that so wrong?”

“What about what I want?”

His own inward battle was outing itself in frustration and the air suddenly became cold around her when she lost the warmth of his body pressing her against the wall.

“If you didn’t want this, why did you kiss me?”

Her voice is fragile, like the tiniest bit of resistance could break it.

“ _Shit Gwen_ ”, he slides his hands through his hair, unable to look at her. “It’s not…...I _do_ want you—but not like this.”

Her heart is stammering in her chest, tears threatening to spill once more as she wills them back.

“Not like what?”

He throws his hands up eventually. “I don’t want to use you”, he utters. “I don’t want you to use me.”

“I’m not using you.” She cries.

“You’re telling me you would’ve wanted me to push you up against a wall right now if you hadn’t been upset?”

Once again, she’s unable to make sense of her emotions, her insides tighten as she feels a coldness rip at all her broken edges, somehow sharpening them. She wants nothing more than to bask in his warmth and get lost with him, but the rational part of her is telling her to get out now—don’t get involved, don’t pour energy in another man who’ll eventually leave, leaving her even more empty. Somehow she feels like it might be too late for that already.

“I don’t know.” She admits quietly.

The hurtful expression on his face is one that will haunt her for the next few nights. She figured before she begged him to kiss her, that things could possibly explode, but she never expected it to happen so soon.

“Yeah you do.”

He walks past her, ignoring her hand that tries to keep him there.

“I can’t stay.”

“Blake.”

She watches silently as he reaches for his coat.

“Please don’t leave me.” She whispers.

“I can’t stay.” He repeats.

As much as she tries to hold it in, the pain comes out in sharp breathes, pressing painfully against her chest. She wants to plead with him to stay once more, but figures it’s more fair to him to just let him walk out, ignoring the way her chest constricts at the sight of him leaving.

He turns around to face her, his eyes softer than they’d been before. “I told you I was gonna be there for you and I still mean that—I just can’t do it right now.”

“Later.” She manages to choke out.

He doesn’t warrant that with a verbal response, but nods his head in silent agreement.

Watching him pull the door shut behind him is the final blow that brings her to her knees.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want this story to be as realistic as possible. The amount of insecurities and trust issues they both dealt with at the beginning of their relationship, couldn’t always have been pretty.


	4. Chapter 4

It took about two seconds after he’d shut the door, for her to sink down onto the floor. She sits in darkness for what feels like hours, the only sound to be heard is her own sniffing and choked up cries. Everytime she tries to remind herself of a light at the end of the tunnel, something happens to make that light feel like a million miles away. It’s hard to realize that if it hadn’t been for Blake, she probably wouldn’t have tried this hard to convince herself of anything good coming her way at some point—he’s given her hope.

Now that hope had pretty much shattered; everytime someone seems to be throwing her a rope she can reach for, the floor seems to sink a little lower, crushing her with a new pain, another abandonment. She had willed herself not to go after him when he left, stopped herself from grabbing his arm and forcing him back, because maybe their situations aren’t the problem, maybe _she_ is.

Letting him leave this mess behind that is her, perhaps is the most selfless thing to do.

Her shaky fingers run tirelessly through her messed up hair, as she bites down on her lip trying to keep in her sobs. She’d always known that Blake’s presence in her life was special, like a real gift from God, but she never imagined she’d feel like this if he ever walked out. She _shouldn’t_ feel like this—lord knows they aren’t even together, she never even considered that she  wanted to be.

All of this was way too soon; her divorce is yet to be finalized, even though they haven’t been together for months, there’s still a ton of legal paperwork to get through. She used to think filing would be the hardest part, but the whole process that followed suit turned out to be the cruellest part of it all. Her kids are starting to adjust to the fact that both their parents won’t share the same roof anymore—and she’s at least grateful that after all the shit her ex-husband has put her through, he’s helped to make that transition as painless as possible for her three angels.

It’s been the hardest transition for her though, to go from being a full-time mom to now seeing them only half the time. Blake has been her support system from the very start, being the one to show up with take-out and ice-cream, the first time she would spent the night alone without her kids. He’s checked up on her daily from that point on, making sure she always knew she didn’t have to go through this alone. He’s been the only person to not just understand her, but he lets her live in her darkness without passing judgement or forgetting her light.

She has feelings for him.

She doesn’t know how it happened, and how it managed to happen so fast, but she does. And she needs to tell him before she loses him completely.

As fast as she’d sunken down to the floor, she’s now up on her feet, halfway out the door.

The drive to his place goes by way too quickly, she barely had any time to think about what she was gonna say once she’s faced with him. There’s still a possibility that he’ll send her away—he did say he needed space.

_Space from her._

 

Her hand is awkwardly running through her hair as he opens the door to her. The placement of her hand reminds her of where his had been only hours earlier, before he pushed her away and cursed himself for letting it happen.

“Gwen, I…”

“I know you said you needed space”, she interrupts. “I’m probably being selfish here, but I need to talk to you.” She blinks the tears away, not wanting to guilt him into letting her in that way. “ _Please_ , Blake.”

He nods softly before stepping to the side, letting her come in.

Part of her didn’t think she’d get this far, thinking he would probably send her away, and her heart was beating harder than ever before at the realization this was happening—she can’t come here and waste his time, their time, she needs to tell him the truth.

“Gwen…” He starts softly, her name rolling off his lips almost painfully.

“I’m not using you.” She blurts out, turning around quickly to face him. “I mean, I don’t want to. I never want to do that, especially not with you.”

She wishes she could be more articulate in this moment, tell him vividly about her feelings without any confusion—but that’s just not where she is or what she’s capable of giving him right now. All she can do is pray that he sees the truth in her eyes.

“I just feel this unexplainable closeness to you, like I can’t help but wanting to be close to you and yes, our situations are what started that, but I can honestly say it has grown way past that already. I know it’s crazy and way too fast, but I need you to know my feelings are genuine….”

“— _Gwen_.”

“No, you gotta let me say this.” She presses. “I couldn’t answer you earlier because I’m still trying to figure out how any of this is possible, it was never about you just being a distraction to me. I really— “

“It wasn’t you.” He cuts her off, his large, calloused hand cupping her chin. Her breath hitches at the touch as she exhales softly, leaning into the palm of his hand. “I got freaked out and didn’t see any other option than to leave.”

She shakes her head out of his grip and sighs. “You don’t have to say that, Blake.”

He brings both of his hands to her face now, holding her steady while looking her in the eyes.

“I freaked out cause all of this is so damn complicated. We can’t just rush into this—I can’t dive into this with you like I was about to do against your wall earlier. Even if you think that’s what you want, that’s not what you deserve.”

She watches him swallow loudly. “So that’s why you rushed out of there?”

“Gwen…”, he breathes her name once more. “I should never have left you there like that, not after all you’ve been through.” He brushes her hair back and softly kisses her forehead. “I don’t know the answers either, and I sure as hell don’t know where to go from this point on. All I know is that when I kissed you back…. I was being selfish.”

Her eyes narrow and her jaw clenches.

“You’ve never ever been selfish with me.”

He chuckles softly. “I know you don’t see it that way.”

She blinks again, feeling the sting of tears at the back of her eyes again. “You’re making me feel like I’m wrong for wanting you.”

His eyes widen at her words, the guilt palpable on his face.

“God Gwen, no. That’s not what I mean.” He runs his hand down her cheek, giving her a faint smile. “I’m the luckiest guy on the planet to even have you wanting to spend time with me, let alone do anything else. I’m just saying that back at your place, I was ready to take it further than I should’ve. It would’ve hurt you. We both know that.”

She looks away as he speaks. “I don’t mean to be so confusing.”

“We both are. These are confusing times; we can’t expect anything to come easy right now.”

It’s foreign to her how someone can steady her heart like he does; she never cared much for words—words were often untrue—but with Blake it felt safe to trust them, safe to assume that he means what he says and his actions will match.

“I’m sorry I pushed.” She almost whimpers, feeling the guilt take over her. “You are just as damaged and fragile right now as I am. You weren’t the one being selfish, _I_ was.”

“Come here.”

He holds his arms out for her to walk in to, but instead she lowers her head and sniffs.

“When you left tonight, I realized that I need you.” Her voice is breathy and shaky as she tries to hold back the tears. “This friendship or whatever this might be……I need it.” She pauses, her voice cutting out as she cups her mouth with her hand. She tries to take a deep breath, but it only ends up hurting her lungs and she shakes her head. “ _I need you.”_

“You got me. I promise, you got me.” He makes an attempt to pull her closer but she backs away from him.

“I scare everyone away”, she whispers. “I almost lost you.”

He shakes his head, a heartbreaking shudder leaving his lips. “No you didn’t. I wasn’t just about to leave you, I told you that.”

In the back of her mind she knows he’s right, knows he’s speaking the truth, but she can’t allow herself to get comfortable with that thought for even a minute. She needs to prepare for the worst, even though she has this incredible man telling her that she doesn’t have to.

“You save me too, y’know? Every single day, you do.”

His words are enough to shatter most of her self-protection and she wipes at the tears that are streaming down her face, unable to stop them now. He takes another step forward, wrapping her in his arms, and this time she doesn’t back away. He feels her whole body shudder as she cries, her head buried in his chest as the tears soak his shirt.

“I hate watching you cry.” He whispers in her hair, kissing the crown of her head afterwards.

“I know we’re both scared and that’s okay”, he pauses. “How about we just live in the moment? We don’t try to define this, label this, we just take it day by day and what happens, happens. How does that sound?”

Her small hands grab at back of his shirt, her doe eyes looking up at him shyly.

“You really mean that?”

“You’re the only good thing I have left in my life. So yes, I mean every word.”

She sniffs once more. “If I could take all your pain away, I would.”

He pulls her even tighter against his chest, as if she would float away otherwise.

“I know.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These last two chapters have been much shorter than the stuff I usually write and I promise the next ones will be longer again. These parts just feel like they need separate chapters. Enjoy!

If she had it her way, she would’ve spent some more time with Blake after that. She agreed to just living in the moment, not putting too much pressure on whatever it is they’re feeling, but she can’t help but continue to panic over what they _almost_ lost. She wanted a bit more time to become comfortable with the knowledge they’re OK. Being a mother was and always will be her number one priority though, so when Gavin called her with the request to take them back early, it was with only mild annoyance—solely because his tendencies of breaking promises didn’t seem to end when their marriage did—that she agreed and headed back home to wait for her three children.

When they finally arrive, it’s the familiar rumble and commotion on her driveway that sends happy shivers up her spine. It’s something she’ll never take for granted again; the sound of her kids coming home is something she wants to hear for the rest of her life. When she swings the door open, it’s her youngest that jumps in her arms first. She hates getting emotional in front of her kids and tries to swallow back the lump in her throat, fixing a small but genuine smile on her face.

“Hi babies.” She’s so happy to have them all back in her arms, she doesn’t even pay much attention to her ex-husband approaching.

“We missed you, mom.”

The impending guilt and hurt wrenching its way into her chest makes it hard to keep her grip on her little ones, but she’s determined not to falter.

“Why don’t you guys go inside and put your bags upstairs and we can watch a movie later?”

She’s grateful when her oldest one takes charge and ushers the other two inside, hearing some friendly bickering as they disappear further into the house.

Shifting her attention to Gavin for the first time since he’s stepped onto her driveway brings an unsettling ache to fill her body and mind; he’s always been good at making her feel anything but at ease—in hindsight it’s probably her addiction to the uncertainty that made her stay for as long as she did.

“Thanks for taking them back a few days earlier.” He says softly; thanking her has never been something that came easy to him.

“Ofcourse, they’re my kids.”

He bites his lip in frustration, like she’s so used to from him.

“I wouldn’t have brought them back if it weren’t important….”

“You don’t have to tell me about your plans.” She cuts him off discreetly. Whatever it is, she’s learned by now that it never makes her happy.

He shakes his head at her words and she lowers hers by default. “What the hell happened to you?”

At that she snaps her head back up, feeling the anger bubbling up inside of her like a volcano, unable to stop itself from erupting.

“Really Gavin? You’re gonna be condescending with that?”

Ignoring the hurt on her face, he shrugs.

“Let me remind you that you’re the one who filed for divorce in the first place. You left _me_!”

She’s not sure how the conversation managed to go into this direction, but it’s too late now to try and steer it differently. She knows that when the tension is high like this, she should give him an olive branch instead of enmity, but she just doesn’t have much serenity left inside of her. Not for him. 

“You left me first.” She hisses, ignoring the way he rolls his eyes. “You left me the second you decided screwing other women was gonna be your way of getting through our marriage.”

He sighs, throwing his hands up. “There’s just no way for us to have a conversation without you throwing that in my face.”

Tears form in her eyes, in disbelief of what she’s hearing.

“Well, it’s kind of a big deal.” She whispers. 

“You think this whole thing has been easy for me?” He asks, his eyes narrow. “You don’t think I want this family back together?”

“Then you shouldn’t have given it up.” She says, jutting a finger at him. “I can’t believe you’re standing on my doorstep right now with this bullshit, _you_ did this.”

“It’s not like you were giving me much at home.”

Gavin never argues with his fist, but makes sure his words always pack a powerful punch. Carefully spoken, without too much volume or drama, he was able to take her breath away and pick apart her already shaky confidence. Standing right in front of her in _their_ old home, with the kids close by, she tries to keep her composure, but she can’t deny the chaos his words are causing her inside.

“You need to leave.” She whispers.

Instead of complying he takes a step forward, putting his hand on her right cheek. She realizes that most of their marriage he would just touch away his hurtful words or actions and she feels a surge of nausea come over her at the realization.

She swats his hand away like she’s just been burned, looking at him wide-eyed.

“Don’t touch me.”

He seems genuinely hurt at the rejection and she wants to laugh at the irony, but refrains herself. “Jesus Christ, Gwen. You’re being ridiculous.”

“ _I’m_ being ridiculous?” She scoffs.

“Yes”, he hisses. “You really want to keep doing this? Dragging our kids between two addresses, trying to convince yourself you had no part in this? You’re not gonna be able to keep that up, trust me.”

His temper is like fireworks, once the sparks start to sizzle, there’s very little time to duck and cover. She’s used to just staying quiet and waiting for the storm to abate, not wanting to spar with him most of the time for the sake of her children in the house. Much like right now, yet she can’t help herself from throwing one punch herself.

“I like someone.”

She lets the words hang in the air between them, watching his face screw up and for a moment she’s afraid she just lit the match to an uncontainable fight.

“You like someone?” He repeats in disbelief, his eyes nearly popping out of its sockets, his neck strained.

Her nerves come back with a vengeance, talking about this out loud not something she’d planned to do for a long while, especially not with Gavin, but she lit that match and needs to face the repercussions. She nods without elaborating further.

“Are you fucking kidding me? How long has it been, a few weeks?” He spits out in contained fury.

“You’re one to talk.” She spits back. The regret of bringing the topic up is loudly present, but there’s also a part of her that needs to give him as many reasons as to why touching her like _that_ , is off limits. “I’m not talking to you about this now, the kids are inside.”

Unexpectedly he does back down at that, seemingly needing the reminder of their kids possibly being in ear-reach. He gives her one last glance and she needs to look away in order to not fall apart; not wanting to give him the satisfaction or the power to reduce her to that.

When he walks back to his car—without saying his last goodbyes to the kids—she realizes the conversation is over and she takes a few deep breathes in attempt to steady herself. She has three kids waiting, _needing_ her to be their mom and to be strong for them, so she wills herself to calm down and put her happy face on as she calls for them to come downstairs for a movie.

 

*

Her eyes twitch as she softly drifts from a deep sleep to the early stages of consciousness, slowly realizing it’s not the alarm clock that has woken her up, instead she finds it to be only 2:45 AM and rolls onto her side once more, sighing deeply.

Sleepless nights had become been painfully familiar lately, her restless heart and mind not being able to settle down at the same rate her body did. She used to find darkness a place to recharge and forget about the things the world had said or done; it was like stepping out of the craziness for a while. Now, it only fuels her fears and insecurities more.

The thought of Blake drifts into her mind quickly, not talking to him never feeling right, especially not after a day like this. The first time they started talking, _really_ talking, it was after he had a fight with Miranda over the phone. Their divorce had already been finalized, but apparently she called him drunk and upset and it had broken his spirits down completely. It was painful to see him that down and depressed, but it also helped to view him more as a human being. Part of her had always seen him as this source of happiness—this radiator of light that could make anyone feel good about themselves—forgetting how he too, could be reduced to nothing by the betrayals of this world.

Reaching for her phone, she decides to send him a late-night text for him to wake up to, only to find out he’d beaten her to it.

**Blake** :

_I think I’ve gotten used to having you around too much, these days without you don’t do much for me. I hope it’s not too soon to say I miss you. –B_

Seeing he’d only sent her that text an hour ago, she figures he also couldn’t sleep. It’s definitely true she slept better around him, so she can’t deny feeling a little bit of pride at the sense that he might feel the same way.

His honesty even over text is astonishing and she figures he deserves the same courtesy back.

**Gwen** :

_Not too soon, cowboy, I feel the same way. Sorry for not contacting you earlier, it’s been a crazy evening. I hope you’re willing to share another one with me soon. Gx_

She tries not to get her hopes up too much when he answers within seconds, but the thought of him waiting by his phone for a sign of life from her does nothing to ease her building desperation.

**Blake** :

_I know you have the kids now, but you only have to say the word._

Thinking of how she could possibly make this happen without having to wait a whole other week, she figures her kids already know Blake as a friend of their mom’s, so a dinner with the cowboy there probably wouldn’t set off any alarms or confusion. If they manage to sneak in some extra down-time after the kids go to bed, so be it…

**Gwen** :

_Tomorrow night?_

 

He sends her a thumbs-up and a heart, and for the first time in a long time, it’s a smile that she wears instead of tears right before she drifts off again.


	6. Chapter 6

She’s never been the best cook and for the most part that was an accepted fact, but it’s on days like these it does stress her out. Aside from the guilt when it comes to her kids—even though they seem fine with whatever she comes up with, so maybe it’s not that disastrous—she wants to make a good impression on Blake. They’ve either been enjoying take-out food or something he whipped up before, but there’s still a fear deep down that he’ll start seeing her the same way Gavin did.

She’s preparing some leftover pasta, trying to make her kids clean up after themselves simultaneously. Apollo stays attached to her hip most of the day; he’s too little to understand what’s going on for the most part, but the tension and uncertainty he’s been surrounded with, has made him cling to her more determinedly.

The dynamic in the house has changed a lot too with the moving out of their father; even though she’s tried her best to fill that void, there’s just no way she can make the situation somehow less weird for them. Knowing Blake’s coming over tonight has been good for all of them, surprisingly enough. It’s been the talk of the day amongst all three of her kids and for that she’s grateful—she’s sure she wouldn’t have been able to invite him if their reactions had been on the other side of positive.

“Pollo, can you take some of these toys to your room, bub?” She says softly, nudging her youngest who’s sitting on the counter next to her.

The kitchen area is filled with toys scattered all over the floor and multiple ones standing on the opposite side of the counter—after she’d instructed to move them when she started preparing dinner.

She helps Apollo down to the ground and watches as he quickly goes to work on the mess he made. It’s when she’s left alone for a second that her mind gets the chance to wonder to Blake more intensely. They’ve been in contact most of the day, sending some light-hearted texts back and forth, mostly her saying how excited she is to see him again. Over the course of the years, she’s often been made to believe that strength had to do with the way you didn’t care, the way her ex-husband made it look so easy to show her the cold shoulder. Meeting Blake had been like inhaling fresh air for the first time; his strength came from his kindness. His warmth and emotional intelligence made for the perfect rock and quickly helped her mend broken pieces with a strength she hadn’t yet witnessed.

It’s something she’d given up on ever encountering and no matter how present her fears still were, she knows now, that she can’t jeopardize that. As long as he’s honest with her, she’s willing to take that risk and dive in—even if it means she might get hurt again.

She’s too deep in thought to realize her oldest had walked into the kitchen and she jumps when he’s suddenly nudging her.

“Mom.” His voice sounds small and her focus is immediately on Kingston.

“Everything alright baby?”

He seems to contemplate on how to answer that, which makes her turn off the stove as she motions for him to sit down at the counter. She’s leaning on both of her arms in front of him and waits for him to open up to her. Seeing the struggle on Kingston’s face is enough to make her feel lost and hopeless; she wants so desperately just to scoop him up and protect him from anything that could be bothering him, but instead she knows what he _really_ needs, is to know he can talk to her—if all else is unstable, she needs him to know she’s his stability throughout it all.

“Do you and dad hate each other now?”

The question came out as mostly a whisper, but the impact of his words feel like a physical slap. Her eyes start burning, but she wills them back, looking at him with a fearful expression.

“No, baby…” She sighs, trying to figure out what the best way of addressing this is. “I could never hate your dad; he gave me you guys.”

She tries to smile in attempt to comfort him, but it doesn’t seem to help much.  

“King, talk to me. Where’s this coming from?”

“I heard you guys.” He says softly, looking up at her for the first time. “Last night, when he dropped of us. I heard you guys talking.”

She looks up at the ceiling, feeling the tears pool in her eyes once more. She’s mortified most of all, her biggest fears all becoming reality in rapid succession and she has no idea how to solve any of them. Right now, that doesn’t matter though, she needs to get it together for her kid’s sake—and fast.

She grabs his hand, clutching it tightly and forcing his gaze to meet hers. “I’m _so_ sorry you had to hear that, baby.”

Saying the words out loud hurts even more; she’s always prided herself for trying to shield them from it as much as possible. She knew they were close by last night and tried her best to keep the situation under control, but what she should’ve done was close the door the second Gavin steered the conversation into an inevitable direction.

“Listen to me King, whatever happens between your dad and I, I will always love him for giving me the three of you. We’ve made a lot of mistakes, but I can promise you we both love you and your brothers more than anything in this world.”

She can see him visibly calm down a little bit, but his demeanour is still tense.  

“He said he wanted the family back together.”

She bites her lip tightly and waits to see if he’ll elaborate further, deciding he’s not after a few moments of silence.

“I know, baby.” She whispers softly, focused on not letting her other kids in on this conversation. “It’s hard getting used to this new situation, right?”

Kingston nods at her question, looking up at her with sad eyes. Ignoring the hurt of her own heart breaking, she smiles at him gently.

“We’re all trying to deal with this the best that we can, but sometimes we forget how to for a second and that’s OK. Your dad forgot last night and it’s totally fine if you’re forgetting it now.”

His face crumbles at her words and then he’s crying. She’s up on her feet instantly, walking around the kitchen island to wrap him up in her arms. “It’s okay, baby. Shhhh, it’s okay.”

She rocks him softly, noticing how his hands grip tightly on her back. If this were a couple months ago, it would’ve probably convinced her to go back to Gavin, take his deceit and insults just for the sake of keeping the family together and sparing her kids this pain, but she’s stronger now—despite the pain they’re going through, she knows there must be a brighter future for them.

“Mom?” He asks, his voice shaky.

“Yes baby?”

“Is Blake nice to you?”

The question throws her off as she tries her best to decipher any hidden meanings there. Her arms tighten around him involuntarily as she begins softly rubbing his back.

“He is.” She starts carefully. “He wants to help us feel a little bit better, is that OK with you?”

He nods like he’s not sure he’s supposed to and scratches at his chin. “Is that why he’s coming over for dinner tonight?”

She smiles softly. “Something like that.”

He hums. “OK.”

Lifting his face up again to meet her gaze, she brings a hand to his cheek and crouches down so she’s eye-level with him. “Are you still okay with him coming over, baby boy? I need you to tell me if it’s too much.”

He shakes his head, throwing his arms around her neck.

“No, let him come. That way you have someone there when _you_ forget.”

 

*

He stands on her doorstep with a bouquet of flowers and his signature smile. It’s obvious he tried to clean up for her—which he knows he doesn’t have to do for her, but she appreciates the gesture regardless. He’s been over at her place before, but never with the kids present as well and she knows that’s a big deal.

Taking the flowers from his hands, she smiles up at him shyly. “Cowboy, you know you didn’t have to…”

He bites his lip softly. “And miss that cute smile on your face just now? Don’t think so.”

She giggles at his blatant attempt at flirting and finally steps aside, realizing she hadn’t let him in yet. “You’re just on time, dinner’s almost ready and the kids are getting restless.”

There’s a flash of something unfamiliar on his face, but he recovers quickly. It remains on the back of her mind, even though she decides to let it go for now, making a mental note to bring it up later after the kids go to bed.

“Guys, look who’s here.”

Kingston and Apollo are the first ones to greet Blake—Apollo running straight into his leg when he does. They’ve all spent time with Blake before on the set of the Voice, but Apollo is the only one who’s ever had some one-on-one time with the cowboy. She remembers when the older two were staying at a friend’s house and Apollo stayed behind with her, right after receiving a string of hurtfully texts from Gavin. She tried desperately to hold herself together there in the middle of her trailer, watching as her youngest was oblivious to her struggle, deeply involved in the hundreds of Lego-pieces scattered around the floor. Apparently, Blake had sensed her shift in demeanour right before she walked off set and followed her back, offering to watch Apollo for a minute so she could get some air, fall apart if she needed to. After doing exactly that, she came back into her trailer to the sight of Blake laying on the floor, with Apollo pretty much dropping all his toys on him. She could see him wince a few times, but still smiled at her when he realized she was watching. Much like that smile he’s giving her now, watching her get lost in thought.

“I like your hair, bud.” Kingston smiles proudly at the compliment. “You think I could pull it off?”

Gwen laughs at his silliness and he shoots her a fake- hurt expression. “I’ve been thinking about dying _this_ part purple for the longest time”, he says while pointing at the front of his curls. “You don’t think it would look good?”

Kingston buts in before his mom has a chance to even answer. “I like you Blake, but I think that would look pretty horrible.”

Blake draws his hand over his heart, like he’s about to have a heart attack, before addressing the kid.

“I thought y’all were supposed to be nice.”

“Nice Blakey, nice.” Her youngest son is pulling at Blake’s pants, now desperately wanting in on all the fun and get some attention too. She doesn’t even have to tell him what it is that he wants, as Blake’s already lifting him off the ground.

“Hey, ‘Pollo. It’s been a while, buddy.”

It doesn’t take long for all three of her boys to gather around him and she watches the scene with a smile on her face. After all the tragedy and sadness she’s been going through for the last few months, it’s nice to witness genuinely great moments like these—her kids bonding with this guy who’s becoming more and more important to her with each passing moment, is something she’ll never take for granted.

Somewhere during his conversation with the boys, his gaze finds hers. Feeling a little bashful suddenly for staring, she turns her head to the side to avert her gaze, but the rosiness of her cheeks must give her away, because she can hear him chuckle softly.

Deciding it’s OK for her to leave them with Blake in the living room for a while, she makes her way back into the kitchen, finishing up dinner for them. As happy as she is about her kids getting along well with Blake and having them all home with her, she can’t deny she’s buzzing at the thought of having him to herself for a while too, later tonight. Days where they can’t see each other or hardly communicate are always hard—no matter how understanding and patient he is.

Finishing up the pasta to the best of her abilities, she divides it into five bowls, as she sets the dinner room table. When she calls for them all to join her, Apollo is still hunched up on Blake’s hip.

“You gotta let Blake go for a bit so you can go eat, bub.” She says sweetly as she makes a move to relieve Blake from the weight in his arms. She’s quickly learning she’s not the only one who’s hopelessly attached to the cowboy, as Apollo holds on tightly to his neck, not wanting to let go just yet.

“Listen to your momma, buddy.”

It’s with great reluctance that he lets Gwen take him over, which is why she decides to have him sit next to him after a quick nod of approval from Blake. She knows it’s not always easy to have a peaceful dinner with a toddler demanding your attention the whole time, but Blake seems more than happy to comply.

The rest of the night goes pretty smoothly—except for the grilling the boys expose Blake to during dinner, almost making her choke on her food a few times. Luckily for her, Blake seems to do just fine under these questions, even managing to sneak a few in himself. They migrate to the living room later, Blake and Gwen sitting on the couch—where they all started, but somehow all three boys ended up sitting on the floor, right in front of the television.

Knowing they have to keep their physical contact at a minimum for the sake of her children, she can’t help but to sneak a hand up his arm when she’s convinced they’re too focused on the TV-screen to notice.

“I’m really glad you’re here, Blake.” She whispers.

He grins at her, but it’s more doubtful than confident and she’s once again taken back to that fleeting moment right when he came in.

“I’m glad I’m here, darlin’.”

“You’re good with them.” She nods towards the kids, deciding to change the subject.

“They’re great kids.” He replies softly, his finger coming to stroke her hand that’s still on his arm. “Must’ve gotten that from their mom.”

She blushes. “I’m surprised to hear you say that after they basically interrogated you at the dinner table.”

He laughs a little too loudly, getting a mildly annoyed look from her oldest—interrupting a television show apparently never a good idea. Gwen snaps her fingers at him, getting him to turn back around as she chuckles. “Gotta make sure they don’t turn into brats.”

“Did they also get that from their mom...?”

Her mouth opens in a gasp as she softly hits his arm. “You better watch your mouth, Shelton.”

He chuckles softly and _damnit_ , if that’s not becoming one of her favorite sounds quickly.

 

*

“They’re all tucked in.”

Finally able to do what she’s been waiting for all night, she crawls into his lap on her couch, wrapping her arms around his torso as she hugs him close. His arm encircles her tiny frame, as her head lolls to his shoulder instinctively.

“God I missed this.” She murmurs with a tiny sigh.

He takes a deep breath of his own, holding her closely as his eyes find hers. There’s something so pure, yet simple about the way he holds her. It’s always about touching her, supporting her, needing her warmth just as much as she needs to bask in his. There are no alternate motives—it’s not like the way Gavin used to hold her; with Blake, she doesn’t have to give all of herself roughly, in return of being held gently.

“You can’t even understand how much I’ve needed this, Gwen.”

She blinks up at him, her hand crawling up his chest demanding attention. “Talk to me.”

He seems to contemplate on what to do next and it breaks her heart to see him hold back like that. She knows it comes from a deeply rooted place, which has her hand press a bit more adamantly against his chest, right where his heart is.

“You know you don’t have to hide from me.”

He shakes his head, unable to look at her yet. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to…. I don’t want…”

His words trail off and he scoffs loudly, visibly annoyed with himself.

“Blake, I’m right here.” She says softly, pressing a kiss against his shoulder. “And I’m not going anywhere.”

She notices the way his eyes flicker slightly as he speaks and she’s not sure whether it is tears collecting itself there.

“I was supposed to go back to Oklahoma this week.” He starts softly, his gaze remaining fixated on anything but her. “I couldn’t get myself to do it.”

Knowing how he’s usually jumping at the opportunity to get out of here, worry creeps into her mind like concrete, settling in fast as she tenses a bit.

“Are you afraid you’ll run into her? I thought she didn’t live in…. -“

“It’s the house.” He interrupts her, looking a little guilty when he does. “All these memories, these broken vows, I can’t be there.”

The way his words ring true for her as well is almost painful, but she also knows that she’s lucky. Most of the time she’s able to be here with her kids; memories might tear her to shreds sometimes, but she can also count on some lovely faces picking her right back up. Blake comes back to the place that broke him all alone—needing to pick _himself_ up, by sheer strength. Strength that he might not possess every day.

Her hand reaches up to his face, cupping his cheek in her hand and his stark posture finally breaks. “All these times she wouldn’t come home, or the times where I grabbed a pillow and blanket and made my way to the couch for the, _what_ , five-hundred time. I can’t escape all that.” He has to clear his voice as it breaks on the last syllable. “I can’t escape any of it.”

“You have a place to come to when it all gets to be too much.” She starts gently.

“ _Gwen_ ….” He interrupts once more, sadness and fear all present in his tone. He tries to communicate with her without words now, to make her hear him without speech. It’s one of the things they’re good at together.

“I know, Blake. But it’s true.”

“You have your kids. I can’t just barge in here whenever I need it.”

She nods, moving even closer to him. “And yet, you’re here right now. The kids are here too. It all works out.”

He shakes his head. “It’s unrealistic.”

“Look at me.” She orders. She repeats it once more when he doesn’t comply right away. “Look at me, Blake.”

Finally returning her gaze, his eyes betray his nearly broken vulnerability.

“I’m not saying you should move in here. I’m saying that you’re a friend—and as far as the kids are concerned, that’s all you are right now.” She looks at him softly, giving him a small smile. “I don’t want you to go home feeling like this, Blake. I don’t want you to walk in there and feel the hope and spirit drain out of you, and _trust me,_ I know what that’s like.”

He sighs deeply. “I know you do.”

“Then let me help you. Let _us_ help you.”

In the push and pull between what’s right and wrong, she can see him struggle with her proposition, both loving and resenting her a little for even offering him a sanctuary here. But to her, that’s what love is. She might not be _in_ love with him yet, but she loves him and she wants to acknowledge his fears, while helping him walk back into smoother waters. She thinks that if she’s anything like what he’s been for her, she might just be able to help him do that.

“Just promise me you won’t force yourself to go back there alone if it’s not something you feel like you’re up for.”

He looks back up at her again, finally letting go of his earlier pretences. “Are you sure?”

She nods fiercely. “A hundredth percent.”

His sad features from earlier make place for a youthful grin—something like a child gives when they’re presented with ice cream before dinner—and she traps her own bottom lip between her teeth at the sight.

“I almost cancelled tonight.” He admits softly, making her cock her head to the side.

“I’m glad you didn’t.” She answers truthfully. “But, why didn’t you? …. Cancel, I mean.”

He holds her even tighter as he finally shakes his head, trying to tell her that it’s not important, but she’s not about to let it go just yet. Turning to look at him once more, she can tell he’s starting to relax a little bit, the clear blue of his eyes fully visible again after the worst storms had cleared from them—the colour blue shining so brightly she could almost argue he held his own sky inside of them.

She nudges him again and he chuckles.

“I just didn’t know if you’d already told the kids I was coming.” He says eventually.

Slight confusion paints her face and he places a chaste kiss on her temple. “I didn’t want to cancel in case you _had_. I mean, I want you to know I don’t take  this for granted, you inviting me while they’re here…… that means a lot to you, I know that. I want them to know I’m someone they can count on, just as much as I want you to know.”

She feels tears spring back into her eyes as she lifts her head up, a small chuckle escaping her lips at the realization she’s getting emotional again. Pushing it away in an instant, she puts both of her hands on his shoulders as she pushes herself on her knees on the couch, moving to straddle him.

“You did not just say that to me.” She whispers.

Before he’s even able to come up with a comeback, she’s pecking sweet kisses all over his lips, feeling him chuckle against her in return.

“It’s the truth, honey.”

She knows it is; she sees the truth in his eyes everytime they talk. “Have I told you how amazing you are yet today?”

Pretending to think about it, she slaps at his chest playfully. “That was a rhetorical question, cowboy.”

Flipping them over easily, she finds herself with her back pressed against the couch as hovers on top of her, keeping his hips away from hers. She arches into him by default, not thinking _or_ caring about the consequences.

He seems painfully aware of the fact he’s in her house and they’re not alone—and she’s silently grateful at least one of them hasn’t lost their minds.

Keeping it primarily safe, his hands do wander up her body, feeling her up through the fabric of her clothes and she’s starting to breath heavier at the raging fire he’s bringing to live inside of her.

“Blake.” She whispers desperately, his fingers tracing the outline of her legs.

He looks up at her innocently, but the flicker in his eyes shows her he knows exactly what he’s doing to her. “Yeah, baby?”

“You’re killing me.”

He dives forward then, softly kissing her chin, up to her neck, and lastly her lips. He hovers there for a second, before resting his forehead against hers.

“Thank you for tonight, Gwen. For bringing me back, for giving me hope.”

Her hand rests in his curls, keeping his head against hers, the sudden shift of mood noticeable—but not any less intimate.

“We’re gonna be alright, y’know?” He adds, dropping another soft kiss to her lips.

She nods and lets her hand curl tighter into the back of his head, scratching lightly at his scalp. “I know”, she whispers. “ _I know_.”


	7. Chapter 7

Her eyes flutter open and shut briefly, nuzzling into the cushions while her hands cradle the soft blanket closer to her body. She’s not quite ready to let the darkness of the night go, since she finally feels peace within the quiet—being able to beat her restlessness at the thought of Blake being close is both a blessing and a curse. She gains full consciousness when she senses movement, followed by a soft cuss. 

“ _Damnit_.” 

Looking up with wary eyes, she finds Blake looking at her apologetically, smiling gently; his hair looks like it’s been dishevelled as he smooths out his plaid shirt. 

“I was trying not to wake ya.” He whispers.

“’S okay.” She mumbles, rubbing at the tiredness in her eyes. “Where are you going? What time is it?”

He takes a step closer to the couch, now standing in front of her as he crouches down, making sure to face her as he smiles. His hand comes to whisk a stray of hair away from her eyes and behind her ears. 

“I was going to leave you a note and sneak out since I was getting a little restless. Besides, I can’t be here when the kids wake up.” He says softly. “And to answer your  _other_  question, it’s 3 AM.”

It amazes her how selfless this guy is—staying with her into the late hours of the night while remaining thoughtful and respectful. She shakes her head, grabbing his shirt and pulling him closer to her.

“Don’t go.”

“ _Gwen_ …”

“I know, just…... not yet.”

She doesn’t know what’s gotten into her, but for some reason it’s extra hard thinking about him leaving this time. Maybe it’s because he finally spent some time with her kids in  _their_  home—marking an important milestone for them—or maybe it’s because he shows her a warmth and safety she’s never felt before. As much as it scares her, she’s also addicted to the feeling; everything she’s once loved or cared about has left her broken in some shape or form—tearing apart her soul bit by bit. Realizing that Blake might be different is intoxicating and she needs him to stay. 

The room suddenly feels colder and she craves for Blake to keep her warm. 

“Come back here.” She says softly, shifting her feet to make room for him on the couch again. 

He gives in to her quickly, trying to get comfortable somehow when she realizes why he might’ve been getting restless in the first place.

“God, you must’ve been so uncomfortable all night.”

He shakes his head fiercely. “Are you kidding? Laying here on the couch with a pretty girl on my lap? I have zero complaints.”

His compliments are like balm to her wounds, but she knows her furniture isn’t quite made for his size. Blushing from his earlier words, she uses his arms to pull herself up. 

“Let’s go.” She says adamantly. 

He wears a puzzled expression at her words, but obeys regardless. “Let’s go where?”

She pulls at his hand, careful not to trip since she’s still tiptoeing on the edge of slumber. 

“My room.” She answers nonchalantly, enjoying the way his breath hitches at her next words. “My bed, to be more specific.”

She’s halfway through the hallway when he suddenly pulls back and gets her to halt. She turns around to look at him, his baby blue eyes looking incredulously into her hazel ones. She smiles the impending nerves away, but she knows he can read her. 

“Baby, you don’t have to do this. I can go or sleep on the couch, it’s fine.”

“It’s just sleeping in the same bed, Blake.”

She feels stupid for even clearing that up, knowing that he probably didn’t have any expectations to the contrary, but she still had to say it. 

“I know, but still.”

She clears her throat. “If you don’t want to, that’s OK too…”

“…. God no, I  _want_  to…. -“

“Than stop being a baby and follow me.” 

She smirks at him to show the playfulness of her words and he drops his resistance, letting her drag him to her room. It’s weird to realize another man is in the room she once believed was only reserved for her ex-husband and it’s even weirder to think that this time it’s not for comfort or needing him to fix her up during a breakdown—this time it’s cause she’s finally allowing the way she feels about him to dictate her decision-making.

When they come to a stop in front of her bed, she turns around slowly and places a kiss on his cheek. She can tell he’s nervous and a bit unsure about how to go about this, so she decides to take matters into her own hands and take the lead for once; way too much of her life has been spent being passive.

She smooths a hand down his chest, looking up at him with a smirk. “I don’t expect you to keep all your clothes on in bed either, Blake.”

He smiles at her for an instant, but it fades quickly enough for worry to make place on his handsome features.

“Baby, what are you doing? I can’t be here in the morning and you’re...”—

“I’m just living in the moment, like you told me.” She interrupts. “We’ll figure something out in the morning, _hell_ , we can set an alarm in a couple hours and you can leave then.” 

He still doesn’t seem all the way convinced, so she closes the distance between them and puts her arm around his neck, breathing in his scent she doesn’t feel like she can go without anymore.

“Right now though, I just want my hot cowboy to keep me company for a little bit……You think you’re up for that?”

He laughs softly, careful not to wake up her sleeping kids. “You know you’re killing me, right?”

She shrugs innocently. “Maybe.”

Rolling his eyes, he creates a bit more space between their bodies so he can effectively tug at his shirt. 

“Turn around, I don’t want you to see me take this off and get tempted to get yourself in even more trouble.”

She takes a seat on the edge of the bed, laughing at his silliness but also realizing how they really are taking their relationship to the next step with this.

“I think I can handle it.” She teases back, not letting the mood slip away from them.

He looks at her darkly and for a moment she thinks he’s gonna protest, but instead he makes a surrendering gesture and unbuttons his shirt until it’s hanging loosely onto his shoulders—and off.

There’s an attraction and lust that sits at the pit of her stomach all the way down to the pure depth of her soul—and the shift of moods is noticeable and instantaneous. She can tell he’s thinking the same things as his gaze is projecting the same emotions she can only assume hers is portraying. She doesn’t even notice him walking closer to her until his knees are pretty much touching hers from where she’s sitting on the bed.

He nudges her out of thought—out of her haze of arousal—only to fan the flame some more himself.

“How about you? Those can’t be comfortable sleeping clothes.”

She scans her own outfit momentarily and realizes that she indeed doesn’t sleep in baggy jeans and a hoodie. The place where his knee is touching hers burns through the denim and when he presses a bit more firmly to get her into action, there’s barely anything she can do to suppress a shiver breaking out over her entire body.

She tugs her lower lip between her teeth, resting her jaw against the back of her hand and hums. “You’re still wearing pants.”

Their gazes are locked so tight, she feels like he can look right into her soul, her stomach clenching at the intensity of the moment. 

Regardless of the mood they seem to be in, she is honestly surprised to hear these next words come out of his mouth. 

“You do it for me.”

“What?”

“Come over here and unzip me.”

The confidence in his voice suddenly takes her by surprise—her heart nearly beating out of her chest as the arousal threatens to take her under. Sensing her bashfulness, he pushes a bit more, teasing. “You  _did_  say you could handle it and all…”

Finding stable footing on the floor is the first step, her legs taking her the last couple of inches towards Blake. She bites her lip unintentionally at the sight of him standing in front of her with nothing but his jeans on, the heat of the situation maddening. She makes the first attempt at unbuttoning his belt, but makes the mistake of looking up at him, resulting in a fit of giggles.

She wishes she could be more cool about this, more like stage persona Gwen, but being here with someone who she has serious feelings for, makes this moment almost too much. Blake seems to understand her thought-process without her having to verbalize it, as his hand finds hers on his belt and steadies it. His free hand tugs at her arm a little, trapping both of their hands between their bodies as he presses a soft kiss on her lips.

She swipes a gentle thumb over his jaw, searching his gaze and finding the needed reassurance.

“It doesn’t feel wrong.” She whispers.

He shakes his head.

“I know you’ve been made to feel like you were doing million-and-two things wrong, but there’s nothing wrong about doing what makes  _you_  happy for a change.”

She leans forward then, capturing his lips with hers; more confident this time too, her hand pressing more firmly onto his belt as she arches into him a little. Blake’s hand moves to her hip, holding her steady and she swears it’s the only thing keeping her upright.

Euphoric warmth blossoms within her with every gentle brush of his lips, feeling breathless with delight as he showers her with soft kisses. As his grip slightly tightened, her other hand was now determined to successfully execute the task at hand: the sound of the metal click filled the room as she tugged the belt securely out of the loops of his jeans, her fingers finding his zipper expertly. 

She feels him smile against her lips more than she can see it and she blushes once more at her brazenness. 

“As much as I’d love to keep making out with you, I also want to have some time left to snuggle up to you in my bed, if you don’t mind.”

He looks at her adoringly before that familiar sparks gets back into his eyes—instead of just lust, there’s that unexplainable warmth he exudes. As she’s desperately trying to get her breathing under control again, she lets herself get lost in his eyes for a while, before she feels him pulling away and stepping out of his jeans. Throwing it to the side, he nods towards the bed and she takes that as her cue to do the same. She doesn’t let go of his hand as if she’s leading him to some place dangerous—and maybe she is, because no matter how slowly they take it from here, it’s still a monumental step that they won’t be able to ignore after this. The smile he gives her right before she pulls away the duvet and gets beneath the covers, shows her that whatever happens after this, he’s ready for.

It’s almost like he’s threading carefully when he comes to lay beside her, making sure not to cross any mental lines she might’ve drawn out for herself, because yes, making out with him was one thing but sharing the bed with someone other than the person she’s shared it with for twenty years, is obviously different.

Realizing he won’t close the distance himself, she crawls up into his space and lets her hand slide from his shoulder to his bare chest, resting it right underneath his heart.

“Was that too much?” His soft voice cuts through the darkness of the room. “What happened just now, was it more than you were ready for?”

Every now and then she gets blindsided by his vulnerability and imprinted insecurities and she wants nothing more than to be able to erase them from his being completely. Instead, all she can do is press these promises against his skin and hope they latch on.

“It was all I wanted.” She mumbles against his shoulder. “Everything that happened tonight I wanted, including _this_.” She says as she presses herself closer to him, snuggling up in the bed that she once thought off limits for anyone else.

Apparently at ease with her answer, he presses a soft kiss on her temple. 

“Goodnight, Gwen.” 

“Goodnight, cowboy.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long chapter cause it took me so long to update. I hope it makes up for it!

She can hear him softly breathing next to her, the gentle sound wading through the silence. It seems to be a habit of hers to wake up a few minutes before the alarm is supposed to go off, and even though it usually gives her some time to prepare—right now it’s just giving her time to overthink the situation.

The rational part of her brain screams at her to create some distance between their bodies, but the heat of his bare chest underneath her palm, and the iron grip he has on her back are all rendering her still. Unconsciously sensing her struggle, he readjusts slightly in his sleep, tightening his arm around her and pulling her more securely against him. Her breasts are pressing into his bare torso from underneath her silky tank top and her head has no other option than to find solace in the crook of his neck.  

Last night this was the kind of intimacy she desperately craved, but this morning it’s the one thing that gets her anxiety to skyrocket. She hates how easy it is for her to shift between the warm feeling of comfort to the coldness of her insecurities.

She moves back against his arm a bit, causing him to lightly groan. The low and throaty sound of her morning voice bounces off the crux of his neck when she finally finds the strength to speak.

“Blake, baby…”

He reacts by turning towards her a bit more, his eyes remaining closed. Her heartbeat is hammering inside of her chest as his mouth hovers dangerously close to hers—the movement not meant in a seductive kind of way, since he wasn’t even awake yet, but not any less intense.

Instead of revelling in it, she denies herself the pleasure and goes for the least desirable option. “Blake, wake up.”

As to prove a point, the alarm clock starts ringing next to the California-king bed, and he officially stirs and awakens from his deep slumber. She hovers over him to get the damn device to stop making sounds and looks down at him apologetically. It’s 5:45 AM and she has about 20 minutes before her kids are all waking up and need her in mom-mode.

“Is it time already?”

His accent is so thick in the morning she almost didn’t catch what he was saying.

“I’m sorry.”

He places a hand over his eyes, rubbing at the sleep there before dropping his arm to look at her properly. “It’s okay, I knew what I was getting into”, he says sleepily. “Morning, beautiful.”

The pet name has her defences seriously weakened, as she tries her hardest to block out all the raging insecurities and crazy life situations they’re both currently finding themselves in.

“Morning.” Her hand reaches up from his chest to his face, scratching gently at the scruff on his chin. “I hate to be the one to do this right now, but I gotta get you out of here…”

He smiles at her gently, letting her know he’s with her and she doesn’t have to feel bad about kicking him out, but she can’t help but feel a heavy burden on her chest regardless.

“When can I see you again?” He asks softly, the sleep very apparent in his voice and the unguarded version of herself wants nothing more but to keep him here for hours more.

She winces at her own thoughts. “Maybe tonight”, she forces out. “I can’t make any promises though.”

He squints his eyes, always able to tell when she’s feeling conflicted. “Are you OK? Gwen, talk to me.”

She shakes her head. “Not now, the kids…”

He drops the subject and for that she’s grateful; she’s less grateful for the way her bed gets significantly colder once he steps out of it, finding his jeans and shirt on the floor. She follows his lead, putting on the robe that’s hanging on the opposite side of the room, watching him intently as he gets ready to leave.

Getting him out unseen by her kids turns out to be a bigger struggle than she envisioned it would be, realizing children are much more observant and much less oblivious than they’re made out to be. Having him stay over at her place—in her bed nonetheless—was reckless and to some maybe even irresponsible, but she’s never had anything feel this good. Nothing has ever been this healing for her, except for the constant in her life that’s music, and she’s not used to having something— _someone_ —to have that effect on her.

Once he’s officially out of the house, she only gets a few moments to bathe in it before she’s forced to get into mom-mode. But the feeling of waking up in his arms, the feel of his fingers so electric against her back remains in her subconscious throughout the whole day. With her kids off to school, there’s only one thing she can do to make sense of all the new sensations and thoughts floating around her head—and that’s fleeing to the studio.

 

*

She’s gone through almost fifteen pages of paper, all filled with her thoughts and random scrabbles, until it would somehow unite into something useful or get thrown on the pile of trash. She loves the serenity of a studio when it’s all deserted; don’t get her wrong, the studio filled with producers and magical writers is a place you’ll always be able to wake her up for, but there’s something about being in a space where so much beauty and truth is made all alone. It also allows her to make a thousand mishaps and fuck ups—like today.

It’s like her mind is too clouded to get anything out clearly, everything is rooted in confusion. Music is the place where all these thoughts are usually turned into something more obtainable, something more beautiful, no matter how ugly the mess. Yet, today she struggles with even that, causing her to feel even more useless than she’s felt before.

She remembers the times where her ex-husband would tell her that maybe it was time to just reign it in—her time had passed, the kids needed her more, her prime was long-gone. It used to anger her to the point of no return, resulting in unresolved fights more often than not. But maybe she was too sensitive to face the truth, maybe she’s holding onto something that just isn’t part of her anymore, it would surely explain her years’ worth of writer’s block.

The sound of her phone ringing through the empty studio booth makes her jump, the pen in her hand shooting straight for the ground. She’s been so deep in thought; she hasn’t even noticed time getting away from her.

Watching Blake’s name appear on her caller ID, makes her equally excited as anxious; even though she’s the one who instigated he’d stay over last night, she didn’t prepare for the shitload of baggage that would seemingly unleash the next day.

She tries her best at keeping her voice neutral, not wanting him to worry or think he did something wrong. “Hey cowboy.”

“Hi beautiful.” God, the way her body reacts to his voice is undeniable. “Am I calling you at a bad time?”

If she didn’t know any better, she’d say he’s already worried, the tone of his voice suspiciously timid.

“No, I’m at the studio but I’m thinking about wrapping up soon. It’s not gonna happen for me today.”

“There’s always tomorrow.” He says sweetly.

The chuckle that escapes her mouth sounds much more bitter than she intended. “ _Right_ …”

No matter how badly she wishes she could hide things from him, shield him from her, their whole relationship is based on truth and transparency and she can’t do anything but give him the unfiltered version of herself.

“Gwen, what’s wrong?”

“Maybe we’re making a huge mistake.” She blurts out suddenly, unable to refrain herself. “I mean, think about it Blake, how could this possibly be right? How could _I_ possibly be right?”

She feels cowardly for doing this over the phone, but she can envision the way his face dropped like he was standing right in front of her.

“Don’t do this.” His voice is sympathetic but firm. “You’re freaking out about something and I’m here, you _know_ you can talk about it. Don’t push me away.”

Her heart is going crazy against her ribcage and she’s starting to feel faint. She feels like she should tell him to leave her behind; give him a fair chance and not drag him down with her, it’s the least he deserves. She should be the reality check they both seem to need.

Instead, she falls quiet and its Blake’s voice starting her up again. “Gwen, talk to me.”

While she feels weaker than she’s felt in weeks, he sounds stronger than ever.

“I don’t feel like myself.” She admits softly. “I don’t feel like I can make sense of anything that’s in my head anymore, Blake. I can’t even navigate through the mess that’s my own mind—I for damn sure can’t seem to write any songs. What do I even have left?”

“You put way too much pressure on yourself, Gwen— “

She cuts him off quickly. “—You don’t understand.”

“Then explain it to me.”

“Song writing is the one thing that has always been there, something I’ve always been good at. If I lose that, I lose the very essence of who I am—I’ve lost it, I’ve lost me.”

She’s crying now and she’s silently cursing the phone in her hand, as she wishes she could be wrapped up in a certain cowboy’s arms right now, even when she’s in the process of pushing that very person away.

“You’re wrong.” He says gently—but definitive. He said the words without skipping a beat and she almost winces at his unwavering faith in her. “But let’s say you’re not, let’s say you’ve truly lost the ability to write songs….”

“Blake, I….”

“You’d still be that amazing mom who’s determined to put her kids before herself always, you’d still be the person who let’s love and compassion rule her life regardless of everything else you’ve been treated with”, he lets a soft pause linger, making sure she’s still with him before continuing. “Your writing might be what defines your artistry, but your heart is what defines you, Gwen—and trust me when I tell you, you haven’t lost that.”

His words feel like little bandages wrapping around all her bleeding wounds and she struggles with her words throughout the breathy sobs that are escaping her mouth. “I keep messing this up.”

Not letting her go in any deeper on that thought, he shushes her gently. “You’re not messing anything up, Gwen.”

“I can’t be what you deserve, Blake. I shouldn’t be this thing you keep needing to fix, I feel like all you do is save me and that shouldn’t be your job.”

“You’re wrong and I think deep down you know that.”

His words hit her harder than expected and she grows quiet once again. Her mind is working in overdrive, trying to keep herself afloat and standing.

“Wrong as in it _is_ your job to save me or wrong cause you don’t feel like you do?”

He doesn’t skip a beat. “Wrong as in you are way more than I deserve, and I’ll forever keep asking myself why out of everyone you could’ve chosen to spend your time with, you chose me. Wrong as in I’m the happiest I’ve ever been when I’m around you.”

“I don’t want to stop being around you.” She whispers.

She didn’t mean for the vulnerable words to come out when they did, but she can’t ponder on it too long before Blake puts a stop to all her anxious thoughts.

“Well pretty girl, then let’s not do that.”

She smiles for what feels like the first time that day, wiping at some of the moisture underneath her eyes. “You make it sound so simple.”

“It can be.”

“Even with all my complications; my divorce still waiting to be officially finalized, the fact I have three children, emotional baggage that won’t leave anytime soon, you sure you want all of that?”

She can’t help but ask, the mental check-list something she must consider.

“I want _you_ , Gwen. You can ask me that question a million different ways and the answer will still be yes.”

It’s surreal to think that this man has only been a part of her life for a couple of months, never imagining that she’d encounter someone like that in her mid-forties, after yet another tragedy has hit.

“I wanna come over tonight.” She says suddenly. “After the kids go to bed, I can ask the nanny to stay a bit longer. I want to be at your place.”

She doesn’t know why she feels so strongly about needing to be there, all she knows is that she’s desperate to.

“Anything you need, Gwen. You know I love having you here.”

She squeezes her eyes closed tightly at the gentle sound of his voice, unable to keep the ragged breathes from leaving her lips. It’s been too many months of misery to still feel this low sometimes, but she knows she can’t get stuck in that mind-set too long, she knows _he_ won’t let her.

“I’ll see you tonight, Blake.” He doesn’t ask her when exactly, he doesn’t ask anything from her, he just lets her know he’s here and she’s grateful he knows exactly what she needs.

When she’s left to her own devices again, she decides to take one last attempt at writing. The piece of paper in front of her staring at her almost like it’s challenging her, the way her fingers slightly tremble around the pen making her fully aware of the pressure she puts on herself. Her brows knit as the millionth heavy sigh escapes her still lips.

The conversation she just had with Blake had helped her though; it’s the first time she’s ever felt like telling someone her deepest, darkest feelings wasn’t dangerous—he won’t use it against her, even when he doesn’t understand. There’s still so much grief to sort through, her divorce yet to be finalized and her children hurting as result of their bad decisions, it almost feels wrong to feel some sort of resemblance to happiness. Blake’s care and affection is what brings her closer to happiness with every passing day, his company embeds hope into her soul and she knows he’ll be a steady pillar to lean on until she’s ready to climb back into positivity.

The pen in her hand suddenly starts itching, as the words scrambled in her brain finally start to make a bit more sense; whatever it is that she’s feeling, it’s positive—and there’s not enough positivity in her life to not hold on to this one.

The great thing about music for her is that it didn’t just save her life singlehandedly—it had the power to make her want to save her own. That’s always been the beauty of music to her, the power it exudes even when she doesn’t feel like she owns any.

She spends about an hour and a half exuding that power to paper.

 

*

There’s a moment of uncomfortableness that’s so intense she almost decides to turn around, but the urge to be around him is greater than her crippling nerves. She takes one last breath through her nose as she pulls up on his driveway and knocks on his door.

She feels immediately calmer when she’s faced with his warm features, welcoming her with open arms—literally.

He wraps both arms around her, softly rubbing her arm. Despite the heaviness in her stomach, it flutters at the feeling of his body so closely pressed against hers. She sinks into his warmth a bit more, appreciative of the fact that he doesn’t move them inside, instead lets her bask in his touch longer.

“I’m sorry for today.” She whispers softly.

“Don’t”, he says adamantly. “Don’t apologize to me.”

She shakes her head against his chest, her hands still digging into the shirt on his back. “I shouldn’t take out my fears on you.”

She feels him brush her hair back with his guitar-roughened fingers and she nearly melts into his touch, feeling her muscles becoming more loose.

“I don’t mind you getting scared, Gwen.” He says gently. “I like spending time with you, I like being the one you lean on. I don’t mind spending my days erasing your fears, if it means you’ll stick around.” His admission is loud to her ears, the tears filling her eyes at his words.

“Please stick around, Gwen.”

She nods automatically, barely a motion of her head. “I don’t think I know how _not_ to.”

“I hope you’re not planning on figuring it out.”

She withdraws her hand from his back and moves it to the front of his chest, her eyes fixated on her fingers splayed over his heart, the feeling of his heartbeat underneath her skin the only thing that matters in that moment.

“I want to show you something.”

In a moment of boldness, she takes the lead as she ushers him inside of his own place, not stopping until he’s seated on the big couch in the living room. His eyes look up at her expectantly as she pulls out her phone and frantically ticks on the touch screen a few times.

She lets out a deep breath before locking his gaze and addressing him.

“Gwen, you’re kind of scaring me here.” He starts softly.

“After we spoke on the phone earlier, I decided to give writing one more try and well, something might’ve happened...”

His eyes widen as the realization hits him. “You wrote a song?”

The painful whirl of nerves in her stomach intensify, spreading throughout her whole body as she speaks the words out loud. “Yeah, I guess you could say that.”

“You know you don’t have to let me hear it. Not if you don’t want to.”

Probably sensing the fear coming off her in steady waves, he tries to calm her down by being his patient-self, but he’s wrong—he _does_ need to hear this.

“I know I find it hard to explain what this is between us, we both do. I just thought I should let you know the things that go on inside my brain, even when they’re not pretty—or easy.”

“If you’re ready to share it, I’m ready to hear it.”

The confidence in his voice made it a bit easier to sit down next to him as she presses play on the voice memo that holds all her thoughts.

The recording has no instruments on it, it’s purely her voice and vulnerable lyrics that come out of the device and she tries to focus just enough to hear the words over her own heartbeat.

“ _I’m pretending I’m falling in love, falling in love, that’s how I do._ _I need a distraction, a distraction and I, I choose you, choose you.”_

The words are loud in the otherwise silent living room and their eyes lock for an instant, before the moment becomes too much and she breaks their gaze. She can feel his eyes burning a hole in the side of her head, even with her own eyes adverted to the ground.

“ _Living in a dream don’t mean anything, My brain’s unorganized. I’m using you temporarily, cause we keep locking eyes._”

On the last line, she looks up again, only to find his still steady on her. There’s so much passion in his stare, she almost wants to beg him to look away as much as she wants him to draw her closer.

“ _What planet am I on?_ _ I’m only human.  I’m about to lose my mind.  I’m about to lose my mind.  I’m about to lose my mind.” _

She sings the chorus away, her hands tangling into her own hair as she listens to her own words fading out, the recording coming to an abrupt end. Usually songs would be a soothing sound, helping her to drift away to a different place, but this time is different. This time, she wasn’t able to go anywhere else than right here beside Blake, sitting on his couch, waiting desperately for him to address her hopeful, yet sorrow-filled words.

“You just wrote this?” Is the first thing he asks—the admiration he has for her gift always apparent, even when he’s on the receiving end of her lyrics. 

Unable to find her voice yet, she nods bashfully.

“Damnit, Gwen, I….”

She’s usually good at reading his expressions, she’s even good at finishing his sentences, but now she’s just as clueless as he sounds.

“It’s a lot, I know.” She says almost regretfully.

“It is a lot”, he admits. “But Gwen, did you not hear how good that was?”

Out of everything she thought he’d say, that was the last thing on her list. Her eyes widen at his compliment, her gaze finally finding his again and holding it.

“Did you mean it?” He asks next. “Everything you said in that song, did you mean it?”

Part of her feels like it’s a trick question, cause yes, being around Blake has opened her up to a world of new possibilities, new feelings. Every day they spend together, she feels a little bit closer to losing her mind—she’s obsessed with him and the feelings he brings her. But there’s a lot less pretty side to all of it too; she doesn’t know how much of it is real and how much of it is tied in with him being an amazingly timed distraction during this time of destruction and misery.

“I can’t even begin to tell you how many amazing feelings you unlock within me, Blake. It’s actually crazy, really. I just also can’t be sure how much of it is real and how much of it is me clinging to the first thing that’s made me feel good in a very, very long time.”

There’s an intense pressure on her chest after saying these words; it might be the most truthful thing she’s said to him so far.

Instead of answering her the way she expected him to, he finally reaches out for her arm until she’s willingly crawling into his side. He cups both of her cheeks as he leans down and passionately captures her lips with his. His usually gentle tongue now asks for access way sooner and the moment she grants him, his arms hoist her up onto his lap, holding her steady on top of him as they both get lost in the feeling of their lips battling for dominance.

His tongue strokes hers in the most tantalizing way, having her hips grinding down on his involuntarily. The way he groans into her mouth as she makes contact with his groin, has her seriously considering taking this further than just a make out tonight.

“Blake, I need to know…” She says out of breath, her forehead leaning against his.

“I told you, you don’t need to give me any answers right now”, he says before pecking her lips again once, “You said I’m making you feel good in a way you haven’t in a while and that’s all that matters to me.”

Her breath stutters out against his lips when she accidently brushes against him again. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

“No expectations.” He says as he kisses her shoulder blade, up to her neck. “Just you and me living in the moment, see what happens.”

“ _Oh my god_.” She whispers. “Kiss me again.”

Next thing she knows he’s slamming his lips against hers again, nearly knocking all the wind from her lungs—she’s happy to feel the same desperation she feels, coming from him. His tongue is delving inside her mouth again, stroking away every single doubt she had before coming here. 

Her arms reach up and tangle around his neck, arching into his broad chest, moaning at the contact of his body so intertwined with hers. She draws back just slightly, to take in the sight of his lips all swollen and his face slightly flushed.  

He’s beautiful just like this. 

“I thank God for finding you every day.” He says against her neck, nuzzling the skin there with delicate kisses. “Every damn day.”

She moans softly as she bares her neck some more for him. “You’re not scared I’ll change my mind about us?”

He pulls away frogm her neck, his lips only centimetres from hers and she’s not surprised to find her own already slightly parting.

“Are you?”

The heat in his eyes is so prominent, she feels herself tremble on top of him, her heart beating nearly out of her chest.

“I won’t change my mind.” She whispers.

The look who gives her next is enough to put all her senses in overdrive; she wants this thing with Blake to never lose its meaning, cause no matter how fast all of this happened, she doesn’t want to do things just for the sake of doing them, for the sake of feeling anything. It’s the only thing keeping her from going all the way with him—that and the fact she hasn’t been intimate with anyone else but her ex-husband for over twenty years.

The way he presses kisses on her neck and collarbone, consume all the thoughts in her mind, making her crave him in a way she’s never craved anyone before.

“Blake.” She whimpers softly when he finds that sensitive spot right below her ear.

He doesn’t say anything, just smiles as his hands rest on her hips, his fingers stroking beneath the fabric of her shirt, teasing her bare flesh.

“Hmmmm, I love that.” His voice is low and breathy, a sound she’ll hear in her dreams from now on.

Her breath catches at his ongoing assault on her neck. “Love what?”

“The way you say my name like that.” His teeth bite down on her flesh gently, before smoothing it over with his tongue, having her head spinning within seconds. “I can’t wait to watch you fall apart one day, just like this.”

His words send her that much closer to the edge and she’s almost embarrassed about the wetness gathering between her legs.

Realizing how far gone she is already, his hips thrust up slowly and she shudders out a gasp whilst her head falls to his shoulder. “God, Blake. Please.”

She tries to make her desires known by gripping him tighter, but she’s confident he won’t let her off the hook that easy. And he doesn’t.

“What do you want?” He nudges her so she lifts her head from his shoulder, to look up at him.

“I want you to continue what you’re doing, don’t stop.” Her voice is breathless, the gasps still escaping her with every upward thrust of his hips. “I want you to watch me fall apart, just like you said you wanted.”

Finally, his hands reach down to her pants, unbuttoning it so he can take them off. She helps by automatically lifting her hips, shifting to help him drag the material past her ass, down her legs. Sitting on top of him with just her oversized cut-holes t-shirt, and lace black underwear is a sensation on its own, the feeling of his growing arousal underneath her almost tipping her over the edge.

“You know what I _really_ want, Gwen?”

She gasps again as his lips brush along her chin, down to her neck, distracting her from his fingers slowly making its way passed her lower abdominal, curling into the heat of her underwear. “Fuck”, she shudders out, hands gripping his shoulders firmly. “No, what do you want?”

Her spine arches when his fingers graze through her folds, dripping arousal. His other hand is holding her hips down, preventing her from moving too much as she can do nothing but take the pure delight willingly.

“I want to make sure you know exactly how much I treasure you”, his accent seems to have gotten at least ten times thicker with his pending arousal. “And I want to take my sweet time _showing_ you.”

His other hands find her breast over her shirt and as much as she wants to beg him to take that off too, she can’t find her voice to save her life.

“Oh my god.” His finger slides up deeply into her, her hips grinding into the motion of his hand. “Fuck Blake.”

“Just like that.” He whispers, his finger slowly taking up speed.

Her eyes fall shut, her whole world dark and focuses solely on him and the heat he’s bringing alive inside of her, her body feeling tighter with every thrust of his finger and gyration of her own hips. She’s not surprised at the pleasure he’s able to bring out of her—his whole being so in tune with hers from the very beginning—but she can barely take the new sensations he’s bringing to life. Her eyes open at the feather soft touch of his thumb at her cheekbone, finding him looking up at her intensely.

“I wanna watch you.”

He’s going to make her fall apart solely from looking at her like that. When he adds another finger into her slick body, she knows it won’t take too long anymore; the way he holds her close while stroking her most sensitive spots, with the most marvellous pace, she feels her control slipping and breaking.

“Baby, _oh god._..’” Her whole-body stutters and freezes on top of him, her hands gripping his hair as she tries desperately to get some air into her lungs. “I’m cumming.”

Her orgasm spreads like a slow burn, coaxed out of her like he’s used to making her feel this good for years, lapping like white hot waves through her blood. He plasters kisses all over her face and lips as she floats back down from that incredible high, her face nuzzling into his neck.

Blake’s strokes his hand up and down her back, soothing patterns as they both wait for her breathing to come back to normal. Their eyes lock for a moment while she bites her lip in slight embarrassment.

“I didn’t come here tonight to do _that_ ”, she starts bashfully. She can watch his face go from calm to minor panicked and soothes over his worries before they can grow into something more. “But I don’t regret that we did.”

He shifts a little on the couch, readjusting her underwear while he’s at it, but making sure she doesn’t move away from his lap. “It wasn’t too soon, was it?”

“Actually, I feel like now I only want more.”

He chuckles at her words, groaning a little. “There’s a whole lot more where that came from, darlin’. Don’t even worry about that.”

His words are enough to work her into a frenzy again, but she knows it’s good to leave it where they left off tonight. As much as she can’t wait to feel more of him, spend hours etching promises into his skin, clinging to him while he returns the favour, she knows it’ll be worth the wait—if there’s one thing she’s learned by now, it’s that good things can’t be rushed.

“I promised my kids I’d be there to make breakfast in the morning.”

As much as she enjoys being a mom, she can’t deny feeling a pang of regret at not being able to spend the night with him, laying in his arms and waking up the exact same way.

Sensing her disappointment, he places a soft kiss on her lips to direct her back to more positive waters. “We’ll have plenty of nights.”

The meaning of that statement doesn’t go unnoticed and the air she just regained, leaves her just as quickly. Blake knows she’s an emotional girl, so when her eyes start watering, there’s no rush in diverting her eyes away.

“You really mean that?” Unintentionally, she gives his own question from earlier back to him.

He hums and nods, smiling at the softening of her demeanour on top of him.

“Just in case you weren’t aware yet, I’m pretty obsessed with you too.”


	9. Chapter 9

“You’re telling me you want me to spend a full weekend there?”

Her voice was full of surprise, always knowing how much Blake appreciated spending time with her, but him inviting her over to his place in Oklahoma for several days, somehow felt more intense—more special.

Her own surprise seems to fuel his insecurities a bit, as he starts to slowly backtrack.

“If you don’t want to that’s OK ofcourse. I know it’s not quite your scenery and there’s mud and animals, _oh god_ I really didn’t think this one through, did I?”

He’s been rambling so fast; she couldn’t even find a moment in his speech to intervene. It’s moment like these, where he lets his insecurities bubble up, that she hates the most. Even though it makes him look more human—most of the time he’s too good to be true, so it’s good for her to also realize he’s human and doesn’t have it all together—she can’t shake the heartbreaking knowledge of someone beating down on the incredible person that he is, until he couldn’t seem to remember exactly how good he is.

Trying to disguise her own insecurities as something else, she tries to gauge where his head is really at.

“Blake, you know I’d love to spend time with you….”

“—Just not there, I get it.” He finishes quickly.

He doesn’t miss a beat and her heart breaks a little more when she realizes he probably delivered the what-he-assumed-to-be blow himself to make it hurt a little less. A rip the bandage off quickly type thing.

“Actually, I was going to say that you had it all wrong”, she replies calmly yet cautiously, “I’d love to spend time with you there, here, wherever.”

The line goes quiet for a while and she wishes nothing more than to be there with him right now, so she could wrap him up in her arms and soothe her fingers through his curls in that way she knows calms him down.

After a few silent seconds, he starts rambling again.

“I’m sorry for getting so insecure on you there, darlin’. It’s just, you’ve never been here and actually stayed over, I mean I know that’s a big deal to you just like it was when I stayed over at your place for the first time. I don’t want you thinking I don’t think about all that stuff, because I do. I just hate the thought of you being alone in that house again when _he_ has the boys.”

Her heart melts at his words, and as much as she wishes he didn’t feel the need to explain himself so much, she can’t deny hearing him speak those words, helps her as well.

“You’re so sweet, cowboy.” She feels herself getting emotional and clears her throat a few times. “I would love to spend the weekend with you at the ranch. That’s _if_ the offer still stands.”

She obviously knows it does, but she can’t help but tease him just a little. He always manages to work through her blinding insecurities by talking her through them and making her feel good about it afterwards—she wants to be able to do the same for him.

He chuckles. “I’d have to be the dumbest motherfucker on the planet to tell you that it doesn’t.”

She smiles while pressing the phone subconsciously closer to her ear, but doesn’t let up just yet. “So…. does that mean it still stands or no?”

“I see someone woke up feeling funny today.”

“And _someone_ is failing to tell me if my schedule for the weekend just cleared...”

He laughs again, this time more like himself. That laugh that made her feel like being around him was better for her wellbeing than any possible spa day could ever be. That laugh that was enough to transport her far, far away from the tensions of her own life, back when they first started hanging out.

“Sweet Gwen, would you please come grace my ranch this weekend?”

She damn near shrieks when the words leave his mouth, her head furiously nodding yes before realizing that he actually could not see her and she’d have to use words.

“I can’t wait!” Her voice reaches an unusually high pitch, but she doesn’t even care.

“I’ll fly you out there Friday evening and pick you up from the airport. How does that sound?”

The great lengths this man goes to make her feel cherished and taken care of settle down deeply in her chest, making it harder to breathe sometimes with how good it feels.

“Blake, are you trying to impress me with your fancy plane?”

He snickers again and now she knows she’s just trying to get any resemblance of a laugh from him.

“I’m always trying to impress you, baby.”

When he tells her he has to go take care of some business and they both hesitantly hang up, she curls her fingers tightly around the device in her hands—basking in the conversation they just had. Happiness flows through her, warming her skin like the rays of an early summer sun. Her first cautious grin has now exploded into a radiant smile; one she hasn’t worn in way too long. Being with Blake, opening herself up to an attachment like this wasn’t easy, but with every passing day proved itself more worth it.

It’s them now, they’re a team, and she’s more than OK with that.

*

The conversation they’ve had earlier plays on and on in her head now there’s not much more to do than sit and think while the pilot is busy taking her to the place she wants to be most right now.

When the plane finally lowers in Oklahoma, she feels a tingle of nerves settling in the pit of her stomach. She’s spent plenty of days with Blake before, but this somehow feels different: maybe it’s because of his own nerves when he asked her, or maybe she’s finally admitting to herself that this is more than just a rebound.

She _wants_ him and the thought of seeing him again makes her way too excited.

The stairs lower for her to descend from, and the minute she appears in the opening, she sees Blake standing there in his signature long blue-jeans, leaning casually against his black truck. In her mind, she had planned to walk the stairs calmly, but in reality she rushes down to throw herself into his arms. It’s only been five days since she’s last seen him, but for some reason it had felt like weeks.

Before she can even ask him to do so, he cups her face in both of his hands and kisses her passionately. It’s a tender moment that just can’t wait; a connection that shows the strength of their feelings, the mutual need.

His lips are soft and inviting on hers, he sweeps his tongue over her lips and softly pushes it into her mouth when she lets him. She feels chills running down her spine instantly, her hands coming around his neck as he literally kisses the air straight out of her. When they finally realize they’re still in public, they pull away, both out of breath.

She grins when rubs a hand at the back of his head, desperately trying to gain back some control.

“I guess we both needed that.”

He chuckles softly. “Damn straight.”

His hand reaches out to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear, his finger lingering gently on her cheek as he withdraws slowly. “I missed you, babygirl.”

The honest admission isn’t foreign to her anymore, not since her and Blake started doing this, but her heart rate still increases drastically everytime she hears it.

“I missed you too, like so much.”

His arm suddenly motions to someone behind her, as she watches her bags being put in front of her. She thanks the gentleman who just smiles and waves before letting them be, Blake crouching down to pick them up before Gwen even has time to do it herself.

She smiles at his chivalry whilst shaking her head softly. “You know I can carry them myself, right?”

He looks at her once and kisses her forehead before dismissing her statement laced as a question.

“I know you can”, he says matter of factly. “There’s just no reason why you _should_ , when there’s a perfectly capable _and_ willing person to do it for ya.”

He winks at her then for good measure and she feels like if she could die from liking someone, this would be it.

*

It’s almost dark out when they arrive at the gates of his ranch; the sky wider than she’s ever seen it, decorated with what looks like a thousand stars littering the dark scenery. Everything in Oklahoma is different from what she knows at home; the air smells differently, the ambiance is calmer.

She feels a soft hand on her lower back, urging her inside as the sound of his truck-doors locking fills her ears.

His place was more or less what she expected from him, only a lot bigger. The wooden staircase that lead her up to the porch creaked a little beneath her feet and the spacious living-room was enough to make anyone who wasn’t used to mansions dizzy. The wall opposite from the door was decorated with a deer-head and she decided not to ask whether he’d hunted that one down himself.

There was something about this place that made her feel calmer than she’s felt in months. No matter their differences, there was something she knows both attach a lot of value to—a home. The place had many family pictures, pictures of him and his mom, his siblings, his nieces and nephews. The furniture was old school, sometimes bordering the edge of antique, but it works. He managed to make this place feel warm and domestic, despite the fact that he lives here by himself and rebuild it to a self-proclaimed “man-cave”.

“I know it’s a lot different from what you’re used to.” Blake’s nervous voice reaches her ears. “I just hope it’s not _too_ much.”

She turns around and walks into his arms, her hand reaching up to touch his scruff.

“It is a lot different from what I’m used to”, she admits. “ _You_ are different from what I’m used to, it’s kind of why I like you so much.”

She can visibly see his muscles relax a bit. “So you don’t mind all of this?”

She bites her lip and looks around the property ones more, taking in more of the scenery and letting her gaze fall onto the fireplace for a few moments.

“I love it here, Blake. Obviously, I’ve only been here a couple minutes…...”

He chuckles nervously, but doesn’t dare to interrupt her speaking.

“But I think it’s so rad already.”

As soon as the words leave her lips, they’re caught between his. She’s always loved to make out, but ever since she started kissing Blake, her obsession with it has undoubtedly grown. The way his tongue would be patient but persistent, was the sexiest thing—if she could get away with it, she’d kiss him for hours straight.

She thinks one day she might.

When he pulls away, they’re both gasping for air. “How about, you change into something more comfortable and I get the fireplace ready?”

She wonders if he noticed her getting entranced with the fireplace earlier and wants to do everything in his power to make her feel comfortable. When she looks at him sweetly and his eyes flicker in acknowledgement, she knows exactly that that’s what it is.

Conflicted between wanting to kiss him some more for just being so goddamn adorable, she also doesn’t want to deny his request. Besides, she’s already getting cold and the thought of cuddling up to Blake by the fireplace is one she’s not ready to pass up.

It takes her about ten minutes to change into her sweatpants and black tank top, the removing of her make-up will have to wait—she just wants to be with Blake right now.

When she walks back into the living room he’s already waiting for her on a blanket on the ground, the small wooden table behind him holding two wine glasses. She knows he’s not a wine person at all, which brings her back to him ‘doing whatever to make her comfortable’.

“Red wine, huh?” She giggles as she lowers herself to the ground, nuzzling herself into his side.

“Only on special occasions.” He laughs. “And for very, _very_ special people.”

She wastes no time grabbing the glass, her eyes fixated on the flames curling and swaying, flicking and crackling as they burn the dry wood.

“I’ve been looking forward to this moment for so long.” He says softly as his hand steals innocent touches from her arm.

She smiles. “I can’t believe I’m here, actually.”

“I know. Who would’ve thought the actual Gwen Stefani would even look at me twice.”

The gentle heat from the fireplace settles over her like only the softest of blankets could and she melts into Blake’s side even more.

“Actually, I’ve always found you like super attractive.”

Embarrassed laughter spills from her mouth at her admission and god, she really doesn’t understand why she doesn’t seem to have a filter. Ever.

His eyes widen at her words. “Wait, you did?”

It’s crazy to her how he’s so unaware of his own charm—she’s only used to dating guys who’ve had the opposite problem—she shakes her head and scoffs at him softly.

“Blake, you literally don’t know how good you are.”

“You mean how hot I am? No, I haven’t noticed that.”

She turns in his arms slightly, so she can look him in the eye easier. “Well, you should. Notice that.”

“I think I rather have you show me.”

She’s suddenly so much more aware of his hand on her arm, feeling it burn on her skin more than the heat of the fireplace does. She loves it when he feels her up, when he just can’t seem to control himself and just _has_ to touch her.

She kisses him gently, sweetly, and pulls away before it can turn into something else. Her body leans against his, letting him wrap her up in both himself and the blanket. She can’t remember the last time she felt this peaceful in someone else’s arms; no expectations, no judgement, only the smell of wood and freshly laundered clothes and the heartbeat of this man she’s starting to love.

“You ever think about what would happen if we just went public with things and you’d spend more time over at the house as my actual boyfriend; having to deal with Gavin and the public scrutiny of it all?”

She blurts out the words suddenly, the moment feeling so good, she’s almost too scared to acknowledge it as real.

“I can’t say it hasn’t crossed my mind.” He answers.

She nods. “I think about it a lot.”

He rubs her arm in a supportive manner, but she can feel him tensing up a little again.

“Do you _want_ to go public with this? With us?”

“I like you, Blake. Like crazy much. I don’t know how much longer I can pretend like I don’t want this thing to go somewhere, like _really_ go somewhere.”

“Listen to me, Gwen. I want the same thing and you’re not going to lose me just because you want to stay under the wraps a while longer. I know you have kids to think about, it’s not as easy for you as it might be for me.”

“It’s really not easy….” She whispers.

“But you’re an amazing mom and one of the smartest people I know...”, he continues as his hands gently massage her shoulders, pressing a soft but lingering kiss on her neck. “You’ll know when the time is right.”

She shudders out a long breath, basking in the feel of his hands and lips on her. “I just don’t want you to feel like I’m stringing you along.”

“I know you’re not.”

Her finger nail combs through the light hair on his arms. “I’ve gotten so lucky, you know? To have found you.”

“Can I tell you something?” He asks softly from behind her.

“Ofcourse.”

“I know this looks like the craziest thing on paper, like it would never make sense, but this thing between us? I feel like nothing has ever made more sense in my whole entire life.”

Tears fill her eyes as she grips his arm tighter, softly shaking her head as a few tears manage to find their escape. She shifts so her side is pressing into his chest and her legs are swung over his thighs. “I sometimes can’t believe this thing is mutual.”

He presses a soft kiss to her forehead.

“Mutual, crucial…...all of it.”

Hearing Blake say those words reminds her that there’s definitely a song in that, but she pushes that to the back of her mind for later. Right now, she just places her head on his shoulder and watches his features flicking in the dark of the night, illuminated by only the light provided by the flickering flames.

“I wish we could stay here forever.”

Feeling the warmth of the living room and Blake’s arms around her, in this foreign state that’s so new yet so familiar to her, she means every word of it too.

“Forever is quite a long time, darlin’. You sure you’re up for that?”

She knows they’re only joking right now, but she hopes deep down that there’s truth to their banter—this is not something she’ll be able to give up anytime soon.

“Hmmm”, she hums in positive agreement, the feeling of his lips on her neck heating her up once more. “Don’t tempt me.”

_“I like tempting you_.” He whispers.

Shivers run up and down her body as she’s helpless to let him feel her up, not able to see his moves as he makes them, her back still securely pressed into his chest. No matter the lust and want that radiates from him, he remains soft and gentle. His soft touches never out of hesitance, but purely out of respect and wanting to take his time to bask in this feeling as long as they both can—nothing like Gavin’s pity touches when he felt guilty or just couldn’t hold her off any longer.

She unintentionally freezes at the thought of her ex-husband and Blake’s lips pause against her neck as he gives her shoulders a soft squeeze.

“You know we don’t have to do this, right?” His sweet voice comes. 

“I want to do this, I’m sorry, bad memories seem to surface at the most inconvenient times” she chuckles bitterly.

His thumb traces her collarbone as he quiets for a while. “You wanna talk about some of these bad memories?”

“I’ve just never felt cherished like this.” She admits shyly.

If she could’ve dressed the admission up any prettier, she would’ve.

“Well, that’s just wrong. I’d say it’s about damn time that changes.”

His fingers continue their feather-light touches and she feels herself relax back into his arms. She starts to feel like the feel of his hands on her is some sort of final puzzle piece that completes her being—right here in his arms, she feels whole again even when all the pieces of her heart are currently spilling out of her mouth.

“Thank you for being so patient with me, cowboy. It’s like you know exactly what I need.”

When he tells her she’s a treasure that’s well worth the wait, there’s only so much she can do from refraining herself from saying those three little words.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick update, surprise!
> 
> I’m working on a new story, that’s a bit darker and more AU than this one (a bit more like LWRY but different). Let me know if you’re possibly interested in that! 
> 
> Also, I’ve decided to create a twitter account dedicated to this page (I’ll probably stay anonymous, but that way I can talk you guys easier and maybe take some request?) So if you want, you can follow me here @Dreamer__88 ;)

She’s been watching him for over 30 minutes before he officially woke up in the morning and beamed at her with his signature smile; that smile that told her he wouldn’t want to be anywhere else in the world right now. She watches him rise from the bed, his near naked body in full view— he’d kept his boxers on for obvious reasons, but she can’t deny she’s been having fantasies about him taking those off. He makes a slight turn towards the bathroom and she suddenly gets hit with an idea. She follows him there, her teeth biting down onto her smirking lips. 

"Morning," she breaths from behind him, snaking her hands around his waist, down to the waistband of his boxers.

"Fuck," he grunts, bucking his hips as she sneaks her hands inside of the fabric and relieves him from the confinement of his underwear. She smiles when he stutters as her right hand wrap itself around his thick length. He closes his eyes and lets his head drop back against her, a slight grin on his face. 

"God, baby," he moans, slowly rocking his hips.

She nips at his earlobe, tightening her grip and moving her hand faster. 

“I wish we had time for what I _really_ want.” She says sultrily, as her lips move to his neck.

Her teeth graze the thin skin between his neck and shoulder, and when she hears him grunt again, she bites down a little harder, Blake obviously enjoying the little tingle of pain. She doesn’t know what’s gotten into her, but he’s so patient and gentle with her, she can’t think of doing anything else but give him this pleasure in this moment. 

_"Oh my fucking Christ.”_

Hearing him cry out because of her, gives her a sense of power she didn’t know she needed. She’s gotten so used to not feeling wanted or sexy enough— having this man literally tremble because of her, is enough to get her drunk on this feeling.

Wanting to see his face clearer once he falls apart, she shifts so she’s in front of him. His arm immediately shoots around her, grabbing her ass harshly. The fabric of her own shorts get silently cussed out in her head.

He presses her body further into his as he bucks his hips, fucking her hand the way he probably wishes he could fuck  _her_  instead. "Baby...”

The word was long, each syllable falling on a gravelly moan. He opens his eyes and looks down, watching her hand as she strokes him closer to that edge.

"Like that?" She teases and she slows her stroke, swiping her thumb over his tip to wipe away tiny droplets that leaked from him.

"God. fucking. damn it.” He groans.

There’s something about him watching her pleasure him so intensely that turns her on even more. She sees the moment his eyes go a shade darker and his breath hitches. 

“I’m so close, Gwen. Please don’t stop, keep going.”

She presses soft kisses onto his shoulder blade, along his collarbone, all the way to his neck. She feels his body finally starting to tremble as she moves her hand quicker, wanting to bring him over the edge on which he’d been desperately teetering for minutes.

He cusses our several variants of her name, his hand grabbing for the edge of the sink behind her, caging her in. 

“Let go, baby....”

She watches his knuckles go white from gripping the sink so hard, his jaw locking as his body jerks and twitches. She strokes him through his release and doesn’t still until he grabs her hand and pulls her off him. He looks down at her and kisses her hard, his hand raking through her hair.

“Well, good morning to me.”

She giggles at his silliness and nestles her head into his chest—her brazenness apparently only momentarily.

“Not that I’m complaining, but why did you…..."

"—I know what I want now," she says, kissing him again. "I needed to make sure you know exactly what _that_ is too.”

Her words are silenced by another hot kiss, and he smiles against her lips. 

"You are amazing." He kisses her once more before turning back around and doing what he had gone into the bathroom to do earlier. She goes for the water tap as he grabs her arm to get her attention once more. “And FYI, I _do_ know.” 

She can’t hide the blinding smile that appears on her face. “Good.”

She watches him shave and brush his teeth, and then steps in front of him when he finishes— having gone without his attention for way too long. She yelps when he smacks her ass playfully. 

“God, I’m happy to be here.”

And she means it. The feeling of sincere happiness floating through her body lets her know just how good these two remaining days here with him _can_ be.

*

She’s sitting with him at the edge of the lake, her feet soaking in the cold water as she looks around and realizes he really does have this whole piece of paradise all to himself.

“Do I even want to know how many acres of land you own?” She giggles.

He looks at her direction, his own body laid back beside her, his arms crossed beneath his head. He was a damn showcase like this; carefree, happy, completely in his element.

It’s a miracle they even made it to the lake, considering the amount of making out that happened on their way out the door.

“I might have a slight addiction.” He admits softly. “But come on, look at this. Can you blame me?”

Looking out over the endless nature spread out like a dream in front of her, she indeed can’t blame him for wanting more and more of that. Being here with him, she wonders how she’s been able to go without it for so long. The serenity and quietness severely lacking in her own life and surroundings.

She can’t help but think about how happy her kids would be here.

“It’s beautiful, cowboy. I can definitely see why you’d like it so much.”

She feels, more than she sees him get up beside her as his arm wraps around her lower back. Sitting shoulder to shoulder while staring at the lake in front of her, she chuckles at the realization that this is indeed real life.

“Being here just reminds me that I still value the same stuff, y’know? Reminds me of what’s real and what’s not.”

She turns her head slightly to make sure she hears him more clearly, wanting to miss nothing in these moments where he truly opens up to her.

“What isn’t real?”

His face frowns a little as he decides on an answer.

“The showbiz life to me isn’t real.” He admits. “I mean it’s there, it’s happening, but it’s not _real_. At the end of the day that’s not what I come home to, that’s not what fuels me.”

She nods softly at his words. “What _do_ you come home to?”

He looks at her a bit incredulously, like his answer is somehow obvious.

“For a while….it was nothing. I didn’t come home to anything; I didn’t even come home to a _home._ ”

His words are unexpectedly painful, because the notion of coming home to a place that just doesn’t feel safe or secure anymore, is all too familiar.

“Some places just hold the cruellest memories.” She whispers in acknowledgement.

“Some of the most amazing memories turn into cruel ones.”

Her hand slowly reaches over to where his’ is planted on the ground and holds it. His lips curve into the tiniest bit of a smile and she lowers her head to lean on his shoulder.

“Wanna know something?” He asks suddenly, his eyes glistening.

She doesn’t say anything, just nods against him and waits for him to elaborate.

“When my brother died, I felt this crazy need to write about it, even if it’d suck. I just had to get these feelings out there, so I wrote this song in 2011, even released it. After that, I just never felt the need to write a song that actually made its way to the masses…”

She keeps quiet, but her curiosity is dangerously peaked. “I’m not the greatest writer, hell, I don’t think I’m good at it all, so I’ll take all the help I can get.”

It’s her turn to frown now. “I don’t believe that.”

“Believe it, sweetness. It’s your thing, it ain’t mine.”

His insecurities about his writing abilities obviously run deeper than anything she can fix or take away in this moment, so she decides against pushing it further. Instead, she squeezes his hand, silently begging him to continue his story.

“Anyways”, he says while clearing his throat. “Lately I’ve been feeling like writing again, and even with demos that I get sent, I need to feel some sort of an emotional attachment to it. I can’t do things for the sake of doing ‘em anymore.”

Regardless of her great efforts, she can’t help the hope spreading through the course of her veins. It’s a scary word and an even scarier feeling; hope is what kept her stuck in a toxic relationship for two decades, hope is what left her scattered and bruised on her bathroom floor, hope is what kept her naïve and wishing for happy endings in inevitably heartbreaking situations.

Hope has also given her the strength to not give up and eventually got her gift Apollo, hope has helped her reach for Blake’s hand when all she wanted to do was push him away. Hope is the feeling of her heart racing at Blake’s last words.

Trying not to sound too desperate, she finds her emotion-filled voice. “What’s changed?”

“Everything.”

Her heart is in her throat, despite already having the knowledge of Blake liking her, of this thing between them being mutual.

“Have you written any songs lately?” It seemed like the most obvious question to ask—also the safest one.

“Not any full songs, but I’ve written down some concepts—some lines.” His eyes radiate sincerity as he so effortlessly shares his heart with her. “You asked me what I come home to, and I came to find out, it’s not a place. It’s a feeling.”

She doesn’t know why his words have her so emotional, or why this mood they’re in feels so exceptionally vulnerable, but she can barely speak because of it.

“What feeling is that?”

“Hope. It’s a feeling of clearer skies, new beginnings.”

Her eyes are nearly burning a hole through his face, but she can’t help herself. She’s so full of love and light because of this extraordinary human sitting next to her and he doesn’t even know the half of it.

“You OK baby?” He sounds worried and she smooths it over with a soft peck on his lips.

“Never been better, cowboy.” Her finger traces the stubble on his cheek, down to his chin. “It’s just crazy how good you make me feel, how happy your words just made me.”

He shoots her a grateful smile—and she gets it; neither one of them is used to being able to  be sensitive and honest without getting shut down or made to feel crazy. He’s just as grateful for her receiving his words well as she is to him for speaking them.

“It’s the truth, baby.”

She smirks as she pushes herself up and presses her hand down on his chest until he lets his back collide with the ground once more. “You know what’s _also_ the truth?”

He bites his lip in anticipation, letting her have all the control in this moment.

“No, what’s that baby girl?”

Her leg swings over his hips, straddling him as she looks down at the handsome man staring up at her in awe. Her hands move up to cup his face, leaning down to prepper soft but promising kisses down his neck—being in the middle of nowhere on the property of her hot boyfriend, has its definite perks.

“The truth is that I’ve been trying real hard to keep my hands off you ever since we left the house and that _all. ends. now_.”

*

She’s spent about forty-five minutes exploring the moves that make him tick, taking her time to kiss his lips until he was either gasping for more, or gasping for air, neither one she had a problem with. Each acceleration of breath, or twitch of his body told her more about what he wants, _how_ he wants, and she’s determined to remember and put them all to use when it counts.

Unfortunately, they both found out that clenching the hunger felt deep inside their gut, wasn’t enough to satisfy the creeping hunger in their stomach. With a fair amount of effort, they managed to break apart as she let Blake take her back to the ranch for some lunch.

She’s almost finished her plate when her phone starts ringing, and from who’s calling, she knows immediately that this won’t be a pleasant call. If she could get away with it, she’d just let it ring and not let him ruin this, but for the sheer possibility of something being wrong with one of the kids, she knows there’s really not a choice here.

“Hello…”

“Gwen, hey, sorry I don’t want to ruin your little getaway, but I need your help.”

Her demeanour stiffens at the mention of her ‘getaway’, realizing one of the kids must’ve told him where she was, and even though they believed it was just a friendly visit to the cowboy Blake—she’s pretty sure Gavin’s not that gullible.

Watching Blake make its way back to her, two freshly brewed cups of coffee in his hand, she tries her best at a soft smile.

“What do you want? Are the kids alright?”

She hears Gavin scoff at the other end of the line and she closes her eyes at the inevitable comment that will make its way to her next.

“Lovely to talk you too, Gwen”, he spits. “I need your help cause we’re having a bit of a crisis with the band, it’s complicated.”

She scrapes a hand through her hair, a deep breath escaping her lips. “What are you saying? You’re taking the kids to London, Gavin you can’t…”

“—I’m not taking them to London, doll. That’s kind of the problem…. _I can’t.”_

Blake’s eyes are staring at her worried, and she hates to have to do this to him and freak him out, but her ex-husband seems to have the exact remedy to do just that.

“I have to go, but I can’t take them. I need you to pick them up.”

Her breath stutters and she knows that’s the breaking point of her patience. There’s an anger that tastes bitter, yet surprisingly satisfying in her mouth. “Are you fucking kidding me? No, you’ll just have to wait until the weekend’s over.”

“I can’t wait that long, Gwen, damnit.”

“I’m not exactly nearby.” She points out. “What do you want me to do?”

She knows she shouldn’t have asked, but it’s too late to take the question back now.

“Come pick them up a day earlier, you can leave tonight, pick them up by morning?”

She shakes her head in disbelieve, she wants to tell him to fuck off but is genuinely conflicted for her kids—she knows Gavin hasn’t always been the most reliable and she doesn’t want to risk him leaving the kids with his ‘nanny’.

“You’re their dad. You can’t just pick them up and ship them off whenever you feel like it. They _need_ you.”

It’s her last attempt at trying to talk some sense back into him, trying to keep this weekend from turning out to become the biggest disappointment.

“Jesus Christ Gwen, are you picking them up or not?”

Her eyes fill with tears as she watches Blake slowly putting it together and his hand reaches out for her arm, giving it a gentle squeeze.

He doesn’t say anything, just nods and she can’t help but lower her face when a few tears drop down her face. “Are you doing this cause you know I’m here?”

She whispers the words and she doesn’t know if that’s because she’s afraid to say them to Gavin, or if she’s embarrassed to say them in front of Blake.

He scoffs. “I really don’t care who you decide to fuck around with, Gwen. I just need you to come back here and be a mom to your kids.”

There’s so much she wants to say to that—point out the irony for starters—but Blake’s hand still pressing down gently on her arm keeps her somewhat grounded; the situation is already bad as it is, she doesn’t need to pour any more gasoline on the fire.

She sighs deeply, before refraining herself from saying anything that could escalate things even more. This is the second time he’s messed with her schedule since she started seeing Blake and from the looks of it, she’s going to need to find a way to deal with it.

“Sunday morning”, she says softly. “I can be there in the morning, but not any sooner.”

“Fine by me, sunshine.”

She hangs up before he can possibly say more and the moment Blake motions for her to scoot closer to him, she breaks down against his chest. Her shoulders shake against him and all she can focus on are his gentle touches soothing the pain that nestles around her heart. Tears stream down her face like water flowing through the drains and her hands ball up in little fists, trapping Blake’s shirt in them like a vice.

“I’m so sorry, Blake.”

“Hey.” He whispers, nudging her head up to look at him, ignoring the water still descending from her eyes. “They’re your kids, you have nothing to be sorry for.”

She sucks in a deep breath, her first still holding the fabric of his shirt hostage. “I just really wanted to spend another night here.”

Her voice sounds as broken as he feels, but Blake surprisingly doesn’t match her composure. 

“I don’t think you necessarily _can’t.”_

She meets his eyes hesitantly, seeing a flicker of something unfamiliar there. “Blake, I promised I’d be back by morning…”

“And it’s about a three-hour flight from Oklahoma to L.A. We could set the alarm early, take the plane and fly out there together. I know it’s a bit crazy and we’d have to go straight from the airport to his place, but…” –

“You’d really do that for me?” She interrupts softly.

His eyes widen as his finger supports her chin, making sure she doesn’t break eye contact.

“Sweetheart, you should know by now I’ll do anything to make you happy, besides…”, he smiles. “I’ve promised you at least a two night-stay here. I intend on keeping my promise.”

Despite the tears that are still pooling in her eyes, she can now recognize that they’re not all bad. A rush of something she can’t explain spreads through her, and all the sudden she can’t wait with saying this a moment longer. Her lips crash on Blake’s like a tidal wave, not caring about the force or meaning behind it, she just needs to feel him close. When his strong hands attempt to pull her on his lap completely, she takes the moment with his lips detached from hers, to speak them against his neck.

 “I love you.”


	11. Chapter 11

Her and Blake had spent the whole day outside, truth be told, she’s not quite sure where the day went. Nothing has ever felt like this before—so carefree, so right . Back in the house, she changed, pulling off her now dirty baggy jeans and tank top.  Instead she tugged on  a pair of sweats and a loose t-shirt. She stays barefoot and pads back into the living room, then throws herself onto the couch. Picking up the remote, she flips through channels until she finds a movie while Blake promises to make them some dinner. With her back leaning against the couch and her feet up, she’s once again reminded of how perfect this all is.  

If only her poor excuse of an ex-husband wasn’t about to whisk her away early.

About twenty minutes later, Blake walks in with two plates and a wide grin on his face. He moves towards the couch and drops the food on the coffee table. 

“What did I miss?” He asks while handing her some cutlery and sitting down next to her. 

She shifts a bit to give him more room to sit and raises an eyebrow when he pulls her legs up and into his lap. She doesn’t  make an attempt to change positions since this is what she wanted all along; instead she grabs her plate and smiles in gratitude. 

"Someone died in an unexplainable way.” She says in answer to his last question. "They’re trying to solve the murder, but his wife just called. Oh, and there’s a dog  that has rabies, I think.”

He raises an eyebrow and lowers his fork back to his plate, staring at her. 

"Do you have _ANY_ idea what it’s about?"

"I watched about five minutes and decided it was probably the most boring movie on the planet.” She admits guiltily, while chewing. 

He laughs inhibited. “You're adorable.”

With his  mouth still full, he reaches over her legs to hand her the drink he got for her and she  smiles in return, his never-ending chivalry so ingrained into his being she’s not even sure if he still notices himself doing it.

"I can move.” She says while rolling her eyes at the sight of him nearly popping a muscle as he reaches over her.

"Don't you dare.” Even though he’s only joking, arousal stirs deep inside of her at the dominant tone of voice. "You're comfortable, right?"

She smiles then. "Very." 

It shouldn’t be this good; sitting here on his couch, eating dinner while watching TV shouldn’t be this peaceful, this easy. It’s like everything she once fought for to have in her life, came easy now. There’s a pessimistic side that’s telling her it’s  _too_ easy, but when she catches Blake staring at her with  that look in his eyes, she knows. 

With him it’s safe to dream about positive outcomes.

Just as she chews at the last  piece of her dinner in her mouth, he slightly tickles at her feet,  causing her to jerk back in fun surprise.  Apparently working on another type of appetite now,  he teases her further.

“That’s all you got, Stefani?” 

He grabs at her legs again and yanks softly enough for her to have some time to put her plate down. Once she does, she’s on his lap with one swift pull. 

His arms wrap around her, as he looks up at her sheepishly. “Hello, there.”

She  winds her own arms around his neck.  "Hi.” 

“You want to talk about it?”

She knows what he’s referring to without any further encouragement and smiles softly; she’ll never get over how gentle and attentive he is with her.

“I know it’s a big deal and you haven’t really freaked out about it yet, so I’m letting you know you don’t have to hide from me.”

“It is a big deal.” She admits, and then after a short pause…” You said it back.”

His eyes light up at her statement. “I did.” 

Here on his ranch, on his lap, she feels like she found a permanent home. Whether they’re silently enjoying each other’s company, sharing stories about their upbringings or getting lost in the feeling of skin and skin contact, she enjoys every single moment of it.

She bites her lip. “I thought I’d freak out about it, you know? But it feels normal, natural, with you. I didn’t think about saying it in that moment, it just came out cause it’s how I feel. I’m not freaking out about it, because I believed you when you said it back. Does that make sense?”

He looks at her like she’s a piece of art in a museum and she can see the moment he decides to kiss her, before he actually does. The kiss turns more passionate quickly and she feels her temperature rising rapidly. 

He pecks her lips one more time before he pulls away and hovers against them, barely touching, making it that much harder for her to breath.

“I love you, Gwen.”

It still hits her just as hard as the first time he’d said it earlier today. “I love you too.”

“I know you’ve got so much going on in your life still, and you still need things to go a certain pace and I want you to know nothing’s changed—I’m still with you on that, all the way. _I’m...”_

She silences him, her lips against  his muffle his final words, as  h e leans  her  back on the sofa. She’s firmly pressed against him, moaning as he drapes himself over her. She knows this time is different and she also knows this time she won’t stop him; she doesn’t want him to stop. Pressing him more firmly down on her body, she gasps at the feeling of him.

He returns her low hum and he snakes his right hand even lower to work on the waistband of her sweatpants . Their clothes fall away as they silently touch and kiss until they’re both dizzy with need; he memorizes  each and every reaction his touch unlocks and it’s a matter of minutes before he has her naked and waiting  beneath him on the couch. There hasn’t been any foreplay and she can tell he’s debating on how to make this the most comfortable for her  and also trying to pulse if she’s really ready for this.

“Baby…”

“I want this Blake. I  _need_ this. Just take it slow.”

His left-hand grips her, linking their fingers while he uses his left to align himself with her now dripping center. With one last look, he searches for consent which she gives him by squeezing at his fingers. With utter focus, he slowly pushes forward, her eyes open and glaring into his, watering with sting and emotion. He kisses her as he takes her other hand, driving it up over head, pressing it into the arm of the couch. With both arms pinned above her head, he keeps his mouth moving with hers, letting his tongue trace over her teeth slowly, as he finds a rhythm.

“Yes, Blake.” 

She’s never felt this connected while making love, she’s breathing heavily, not in control of the sounds he’s retracting from her.  Her body meets his in each eager thrust, her moans matching his in pitch and tempo, her heartbeat is perfectly timed to his and their gaze stays connected. Words seem to fail her as he drives all thought straight out of her head.

When he takes the time to smile down at her and increase the roughness of his kisses, he also speeds up. Both of their voices grow louder, their bodies slamming together harder. 

“ _Oh my_... ”

He parts his lips from hers as she grunts against them and he curses for a moment, his lips seeking hers out again soon after.

“You feel so good Gwen, so good.”

She doesn’t understand why hearing his words make her feel so much better, but it does. He’s so tender with her, but still lets the need and want get the best of him—she’s glad to see it’s not just her who’s struggling to keep it together.

She feels his grip on her wrist tightening, still pinning them over her head, the wetness between her thighs increasing at the thought of him holding her down like that, not used to seeing him desperate for control like he is now—but not minding it one bit.

She slides one leg up his body and hooks it around his waist, hearing him groan in anticipation as he works himself deeper into her.

“Harder.” She whispers out of breath.

“Gwen, fuck.” He moans softly, pecking at her lips between heavy breaths. “I.....”

She arches her back before he can finish, her head flying backward as she lets his name loose into the air of the living room. She kisses  him hard as she rides out the final moments of her orgasm, silently begging him not to stop moving. It wasn’t her intention to come so quickly or sudden, but the way his hardness feels between her thighs had her panting from the start, unable to control her body’s reactions.

“Do you have any idea how hot it is to watch you fall apart like that, babygirl?”

Despite just falling off that cliff, she clenches again at his hot words and it’s enough to send him over the edge as well— he grunts into their kiss, moaning her name against her lips until he comes down. They kiss softly, fingers running over each other’ s limbs, t he tenderness between them is painfully beautiful. She opens her eyes after having closed them again st the tenderness he was showing her and smiles at him. 

She’s still out of breath, not ready to lose the feeling of Blake  inside of her. “Stay like this for a while?”

He gives her a small laugh as he rubs his fingers through her hair lovingly. He shifts a little so his full weight isn’t pressed onto hers, without slipping out and she whimpers against his shoulder. 

“Is this good?” He asks lowly.

“This is perfect.” She hums.

There’s a slight tremble in her body, followed by a soft giggle and then she’s silently crying. Blake’s shocked expression turns into an understanding one quickly, as he nuzzles his head in the crook of her neck and presses kisses there until he’s reaching her still slightly parted lips. 

“I’m sorry.” She whispers against his lips as they hover there, pretty much hers for the taking. “You must think I’m crazy.”

He shakes his head before pecking her lips softly. “Never. I told you not to hide from me, I meant it.”

“It’s never been like this before.” She says softly. “I didn’t even know it could be like that.”

Her fingers run through his hair, as she can feel him smile against her cheek. 

“I’ve stumbled through the dark without a clue for so long, trust me, ever since we’ve started hanging out, I’ve felt that way. I didn’t know a person could feel the things you make me feel, a few years ago no one could’ve made me believe it.”

She shakes her head as she wraps her arms around his back and forces his weight back on top of her. “I can’t believe you’re real.”

“On the one hand I feel like us find ing each other is way past  overdue, but at the same time the timing couldn’t be more right.”

She doesn’t have to verbally say she agrees for him to know that she does. Instead, she rubs lazy circles in the nakedness of his back, getting in control of her breathing as her emotional outburst subsides. Remembering she initially shut him up  earlier because she just couldn’t keep her hands off him any longer, she suddenly grows curious as to what he was gonna say.

"What we re you gonna say?" she whispers, waiting for him to find her gaze. "Before..."

"Nothing."  He interrupts, kissing her again. He brushes his nose against hers, then freezes. He tilts his head a little, something obviously still on his mind. “You do know, right?"

She blinks and shakes her head once. 

“ _Know_ _what?_ ”

He smiles and nips at her lip s again, chuckling when it earns him a moan.

"I’m in this for the long haul, I care for you and the kids, I want to make this thing work more than I’ve wanted anything to work in a very long time ." 

He runs his lips down her chin to her neck. “You know that, right?”

She bites her lip, trying to keep from crying again. “I know, I want that too.”

He looks down at her, his blue eyes piercing right through her, straight to her soul. It’s crazy to realize this guy  actually loves her—Blake Shelton loves her, makes love to her like _that_ , and wants to keep doing both.

*

It’s four am when she wakes in his arms again, the sound of the alarm loud in the quiet, dark room. She hears Blake grunt at the sound before nearly knocking his phone off the nightstand. There’s guilt flowing through her body like blood through a vein; they should be waking up naturally, plan the rest of the day while they lazily wake up in each other’s arms and spend the remaining day here. He shouldn’t have to set his alarm at this ungodly hour, so he can spend the morning flying back to LA. 

“Don’t even think it, Gwen.” 

His groggily morning voice reaches her ear, immediately lifting her spirts a bit. He turns so he’s completely facing her. “Morning, sweetheart.”

She chuckles. “More like midnight.” 

He smiles, as he tucks a stray of hair behind her ear. “Hi, cowboy.”

It’s crazy how looking at him can make her forget all about what’s going on. In these moments, nothing else matters but them, the rest of the world seemingly falling away. 

“We should probably get going, cause if we stay in this bed any longer I’m either gonna fall back to sleep or fuck you and _t_ _hen_ go back to sleep. Neither one an option.”

To her great reluctance, they find themselves up and running, bags packed and tucked into his truck about an hour later. The drive to where his jet is waiting for them is quiet, the knowledge of leaving this place bringing her an unsettling feeling. Blake seems to notice as his hand reaches over to hers over the consoler, squeezing everytime he can sense her getting emotional.

“We’ll make the best of it, OK?”

She stares out of the window, squeezing his hand in agreement. She's ready to see her babies again, but the sting of having one less day here with Blake in Oklahoma is still very present. With the Voice recordings starting up again soon, the live-shows on multiple times a week, she knows the next time she'll get to come here might be a while and she wants to cry at the thought. It's her own personal getaway now, as much as it's Blake and she is not ready today to give that up. Knowing Blake is right and they'll make the best of their situation as it is, she seeks for reassurance there.

“Just don’t go anywhere.” She says, sounding more vulnerable than she intended.

“I’m here, baby. All the way.”


	12. Chapter 12

“Do you want me to come with you or….” His voice trails off mid-question, his gaze kind of awkwardly holding hers, while her hand reaches out for his over the consoler.

“Cowboy, don’t worry. I got this.” She smiles at him gently, trying her best to convince him things won’t escalate.

The three-hour flight back to L.A was everything she thought it would be; dreadful, yet hopeful, because she was on her way back to her baby’s whilst still getting to spend time with Blake. Sitting in Gavin’s driveway, the lights down low so they won’t draw too much attention is anything but comfortable though—and although Blake wants to help, she has the best chances of this staying civil if he stays in the car while she gets her kids.

“I know you do.” He says softly, squeezing her hand in his. “You can do it all Gwen, but if you want…”

“What I _want_ is to get the kids, get the hell out of here and spend the rest of the morning with you. Is that OK?”

She’s usually not one to interrupt him, but if she’d allowed him to keep going, she might’ve been pursued to let him come with, and for the sake of her kids, that’s just not allowed.

“OK.” He concedes.

She smiles gratefully before letting go of his hand and pushing the car door open. She’s made this walk more times than she’d like, the knowledge of picking her kids up from a different address still stinging, but somehow the anxiety never quite leaves. It’s like balancing on a tight-rope, never knowing which version of Gavin she might encounter once he opens the door—it’s hard taking a step forward when you don’t know where your foot might fall.

She doesn’t get much time to get crippled with nerves by her inner dialogue before the door swings open and she’s met with his smuck stare that quickly turns into something else once their oldest comes to stand with him in the doorway.

“Mom!”

Immediately feeling better by hearing her child’s voice, she opens her arms to welcome him, ruffling his hair as she breathes into it—not realizing how much she’s missed them until now. “Hi, sweet baby.” 

Realizing she’s still on his doorstep and Blake’s still in the car, she pulls away after a while.

“Let’s get your brothers and get you guys into the car, OK?

Kingston disappears back into the house to grab his bag and she makes a move to follow him, but Gavin purposefully blocks the entrance.

She looks up at him in surprise, taking a step back instinctively. “Isn’t this what you wanted?” She asks only a little bit bitter. “For me to pick them up?”

He looks at her like he’s about to spew some venom, right before thinking better of it.

“Actually, I was going to say thank you.”

She frowns at him, her arms crossing defensively in front of her chest.

“I know you had to cut your trip short, so thank you. 

She chuckles before subconsciously glancing over her shoulder, back to the SUV—back to Blake.

It was merely an instinct, but she knows she’s screwed the moment she glances back into Gavin’s eyes. She knows a comment is inevitable, but she’s determined to get her kids out of here without any drama, she’s learned from the last time.

“You really brought him here.” Is all he says, his voice cold and detached, like he’d always get whenever he was about to scold or insult her.

“Like you said, I had to cut my trip short. If it weren’t for _him_ , I wouldn’t have been able to make it here as soon as I did.” She doesn’t give him the satisfaction of watching her falter and doesn’t break eye-contact once. “If you let me in, I can get the kids and be out of here as soon as possible.”

“I don’t like him around my kids, Gwen.”

“You don’t get to dictate who I spend my time with anymore, Gavin.”

He nods, but his eyes hold a fiery resistance.

“But I do get a say in who I want _my_ kids to spend time with. They’re still ours, as in yours and mine.”

“Blake and I are serious, we like each other, he’s going to be around. Now you can either accept that or fight it—but if you give a damn about your kids, you won’t fight it with them in the next room.”

She’s not quite sure where her new confidence is coming from, but she watches as he takes a step to the side, letting her in with the utmost discomfort.

She nods in quick appreciation of him choosing the latter, as she scoops a sleeping Apollo up from the couch and leads her older two out the door with a gentle hand on the back. “Let’s get you guys home and tucked in.”

As soon as she approaches the car, she watches Blake get out to take over their bags as he looks after Kingston and Zuma, while she gets the little one situated. No matter how much she appreciates the help, she can’t help but look over to where Gavin is still standing in the doorway—although it’s impossible to see his facial expressions from this distance, she knows for a fact it can’t be anything good. 

She’ll worry about that at another time, right now she just needs to get in the car and get the hell out of here.

It takes about forty-five minutes to get back home, the kids so exhausted from the back and forth and sudden yanking away from their dad’s place, Zuma and Apollo both falling asleep in the car, while Kingston barely hangs on to consciousness. Since there are no plans other than making this a lazy Sunday, they all decide to head back to bed for just a few hours—if she’s lucky, she gets one before her kids lose all interest in their bed again.

Laying in her own bed, while Blake’s pressed closely against her, she’s finally able to release the sigh she’s been holding ever since knocking on Gavin’s door.

“You wanna talk about it?” He asks lowly.

“No.” She whispers before turning around in his arms and scratching her nail lightly across his neck, all the way down to his chest, her hand stopping when his heartbeat is right below her palm. “Kiss me, please.”

Rolling her over so she’s laying underneath him, he does just that. He kisses her with such passion and force, it reinforces a kind of love within her she doesn’t think she’s ever experienced before. His lips are warm and inviting, challenging her to get lost in them while grounding her at the same time. When he leans down to softly nuzzle kisses all over her neck and cheek, she feels her breath hitch at the many emotions she feels.

He looks up at her sweetly, as she blinks away at the moisture pooling in her eyes, determined to push aside the storm of feelings swirling through her that she can’t even begin to comprehend. She feels Blake’s hold on her loosen a bit as he brings his thumb to her cheek, swiping away at the tears that she fails to hold back.

“ _I’m sorry_...” She whispers, but he just shushes her, following it with a gentle touch of his lips on her cheek and then lower until he’s pecking sweet kisses on her mouth. She melts into him completely, not caring about the fact he must be tasting the salt on her lips.

She smiles through her tears as he lowers his head to rest on her forehead, looking her straight at her, his hand cupping her face, grounding her, holding her together while allowing her to fall apart if she needs to.

“I don’t know why I’m getting so emotional.” She says almost embarrassed.

“I think it’d be crazier if you didn’t.” He replies.

She places her hand on top of his, as she pushes it against her skin. “Once he was all I wanted and now I’m here, in this bed with you, and I wonder how I could’ve ever wanted someone like him.”

He stays quiet while letting her speak and she searches deeply within herself to find the right words to articulate what she’s feeling.

“He’s also given me my three boys…. So, does thinking like that make me horrible? Is it horrible to not rememuber one single thing about their father that I once liked?”

He kisses her tenderly, almost too tenderly, as the next round of tears spill down her cheeks.

“You, are an amazing mom, Gwen.” He says in between kisses to her cheek, kissing away the moisture that’s sticking to her skin. “Whatever it is you feel about him, he brought that onto himself. You’re allowed to feel it.”

“I don’t feel like it sometimes.” She admits.

“I know that.” He whispers. “I know you hold yourself to impossible standards, but let me tell you this, you need cut yourself some slack—after all these years of selling yourself short, I think you owe it to yourself.”

“I love you, Blake. Like, _really_ love you.”

He smiles at her words and she has to fight the urge to continue these words on a loop, just to see the happiness reflected on his facial features. If she didn’t have some other plans, she probably would’ve.

Her arms come lowly around his hips, intentionally bringing his pelvis into sharp contact with hers, relishing in the soft groan it earns her—he’s so close to where she wants him, but they’re still separated by a layer of fabric.

“Gwen, the kids…”

“I know, but I can be quiet.” She sounds way too desperate, but she’s too far gone to care. This guy has been spending days etching the pieces of her heart back in place, and here in this bed, after the emotional turmoil she’s experienced in the last few hours, she wants nothing more but to spend some time feeling him on her, in her, reassuring her of what she knows is real.

She watches his eyes flicker with arousal as he takes of her night-shirt, her hands working up his torso to get rid of his at the same time. He’s so close to her she can feel his breath against her ear as his fingers slide down to her hipbones as he slides the lace down her legs. He follows the trail with his mouth, kissing a line down her chest as he dips his tongue into her belly button. He exhales over her most sensitive area and she can’t help the soft whimper that escapes her lips—the teasing too much for her tonight.

Apparently in no mood for patience, her fingers thread carefully through his head and give it a gentle tug. “Blake, baby, not tonight. I can’t handle it.”

He moves his way back up and she takes that time to wind her legs around his waist and manages to swap positions, her legs now straddling both sides of his body as she sits on top of him. He looks at her smiling, challenging, and she knows he loves it when she takes control like this.

He shifts slightly beneath her and she lifts herself up enough to position herself over him, sinking down slowly as she takes him inside of her in one smooth stroke. His hands dig into her hipbones and her name spills from his lips on a breathy pant. He’s so deep inside of her she has no idea how to make this last a while, all her nerve-endings being hit without her even moving yet. When she finally finds the strength to twist her hips against him and grinds down, the pressure against her clit has her involuntarily tightening.

“Fuck, Gwen.” He moans in a whisper, trying desperately to keep it down.

She can’t help the smug smile that spreads across her face, as she leans down and nips at his lower lip. He cups her head again, holding her close as she’s already nearing the end.

“ _Blake_ …”

She lifts herself again before sinking back down and he meets her with another thrust of his hips, kissing her in attempt to muffle her groans and whimpers. He meets her stroke for stroke, going deeper each time and before she realizes what’s happening, her breath stutters against his lips.

“Shit baby, I can’t…”

“It’s OK, Gwen. Let go.”

She clenches around him once more, going limp in his arms while he chases his own high, releasing inside of her as she spams against him. She feels the waves of her orgasm flutter through her muscles as she fully collapses on top of him, her hair sticking to her forehead and his sweaty shoulder.

“Fuck.” She whispers out of breath.

He chuckles. “We’re too good at that.”

She can do nothing but hum at his words. “Damn right, cowboy.”

*

They don’t get much downtime as the kids stir about an hour and a half after she tried to get them to sleep off some of the confusion and commotion the early morning had brought. She’s glad to have them back home, regardless of her weekend with Blake in OK getting cut short a bit. It’s equally nice to know that Blake one-hundredth percent doesn’t blame her; he gets to spend time with her still while being here in L.A and he seems perfectly content with that—even with his dislike for the crowded city.

Watching Blake and her kids interact will never be anything short of a miracle; they are all drawn to him in the best way and even though she’s beyond excited about it, there’s also a little part of her that’s scared it might become too much for Blake. She knows he’s always wanted kids and the fact that Miranda didn’t was a big hurdle in their previous relationship, but technically they aren’t his and she doesn’t think she can deal with him ever resenting her for it.

She turns her head around at a loud laughing noise, all her kids pretty much piling onto Blake on the floor, giggling when he pretends to be defeated. When Apollo pushes the other two away and settles on his lap, his hand coming over Blake’s ear like he does whenever he gets real comfortable, she feels a surge of something dark come over her.

Guilt.

They were getting attached, really attached, and if for some reason Blake won’t be able to deal with this, with _them_ , it’s not just her who’ll be broken up about it.

Feeling torn by her feelings, she retreats into the kitchen, both hands clenching onto the kitchen-island. She hates how they’re going so good and steady, but she can still be rendered to whatever version of her this is—her mind making a habit of preparing for the worst-case scenario.

Whenever the laughter from the living room rises in volume, her gut churns just as loudly, as she shuts her eyes hard to prevent the tears from spilling over. Blake wants her and he’s made it perfectly clear that he’s all in—that includes her kids. She can’t even count the times he’s soothed over her insecurities with sweet words and actions; the way he never once asks how she’s doing without his follow up questions being how they are, the way his eyes lit up when she told him about Kingston’s achievement at school or how he told her he cleared one room out at his ranch for the possibility of the kids “maybe” coming over once. He’s doing everything right, making everyone in this household smile, and yet she’s still standing here secluded, doubting him.

She’s off in her own little world of fear and anxiety, she jumps nearly out of her skin when she feels Blake slide up behind her, his arms caging her between his body and the kitchen-island, his breath on her neck.

“Hey darlin.”

She inhales a bit shaky, grateful for the fact she has her back to him, her face not able to hide what her heart feels.

“Hi.”

“Everything OK? We’re missing you out there. They’re watching some sort of cartoon right now; I hope you don’t mind. I felt like I was one attack away from a dislocated shoulder.” He chuckles.

She tries her best at little smile, but it comes out forced and she knows he noticed before he calls her out.

“Turn around, baby.” His voice doesn’t sound forceful, but it’s enough to spark a reaction out of her. Her head stays lowered to the ground as her hands softly push at his chest for a little more space.

“What’s going on?”

She shakes her head, unable to say what’s on her mind. Feeling guilty for even thinking it. Without realizing how it sounds, she spits out the only words she can muster up in the moment.

“Let it go, Blake.”

She’s usually not this cold and definitely doesn’t want to be the reason he starts doubting himself, but it’s all over his face when her words leave her lips.

“Is it about the kids? Did I do something wrong?”

She could sense all the warning signs pointing to another episode of her crying; she started sniffing her nose periodically, her breath hitching as the pressure on her chest became too intense to ignore. Gavin used to describe her crying in the most sceptical terms; saying she turned her tears on, was crying crocodile tears, even going as far as saying she was crying on cue. Her sensitivity was more like a curse sometimes—her inability to keep her tears back in front of anyone making her feel vulnerable in the barest way.

“Baby, I thought you were ready for this. What happened?”

She can tell he’s trying to piece it all together without her help and she closes her eyes tightly, small wrinkles appearing because of it.

“I’m being selfish.” She whispers barely audible.

He shakes his head in confusion. “What are you talking about, Gwen?”

“They like you so much.” She says a bit louder now. “What’s gonna happen when you realize this isn’t what you signed up for, that this is just all too much?”

Blake seems genuinely taken aback by her words, his own breath visibly catching at the back of his throat. “Gwen you know— “

“I know that you believe that won’t happen, Blake. But you can’t guarantee me it won’t. And I’m willingly subjecting my kids to that risk.”

“I actually can guarantee you that, Gwen. This, this life you’ve given me, being here with you and the kids, that’s all I’ve ever wanted. I told you this too, I don’t mind spending time convincing you, just don’t push me away.”

His words are exactly the right ones, and that only pisses her off more. “God Blake, just stop being nice for a second. I’m doubting you, be mad at me for it!”

She’s surprised at her own words, her heart filling with a fear she hasn’t felt in a while. She wants the exact opposite of what she just said, yet she can’t find it within herself to take it back.

“I won’t let you push me away, Gwen.” He says while taking a step closer to her again. “I get that you’re scared, and I won’t deny that you questioning my words hurt, but I promised you I’d work through your insecurities with you—I meant that.”

She shakes her head again. “What if you can’t? What if this is just how it’ll be forever?”

“I don’t believe that.”

“I’m damaged Blake!” She hisses, intentionally keeping her voice down for her kids (even though they’re much more occupied with the television that anything else, she’s pretty sure the place could burn down without them noticing). “I saw you doing everything right with my kids just now and I _hated_  it. I hated it because it’s too good and things never stay like that too long for me.”

He takes one more step and she’s now efficiently pressed back against the counter, her hands coming up in semi-defence, but he ignores her.

“Listen to me.”

She lowers her head once more, shaking it as she whispers a soft no.

He’s swift then, lifting her head up with his hand and using just enough force to keep her there while making sure not to hurt her.

“ _Listen to me_.” He repeats.

She doesn’t see him like this often—this confident and determined to get through to her, but it hits her somewhere so deep she can’t possibly look away.

“Your family got broken up. You’re scared and you feel guilty and you’d rather ruin every shot at happiness you’ve got then to let your kids get scarred by yet another situation, I get it.”

She bites her lip at his words, the honesty and bluntness of it leaving her breathless.

“You want to push me away before I get the chance to do it myself, cause you’re used to people pulling away from you while you try your hardest to keep ‘em close. You’re upset your kids actually like me, cause if they didn’t, it would’ve been easier for you to send me packing.”

She looks up at him with tears in her eyes, anger bubbling up again at his honest but painful statements.

“You act like I want you gone, like I _want_ to send you away.”

“I’m not saying that’s what you want, but it’d be easier, wouldn’t it?”

Tears fall down her cheek again and she wipes at them angrily. “Stop it...”

“Say it, Gwen. You’re hurting yourself by bottling it all up and your guilt is eating at ya. Just let it out.”

“Stop.”

He takes her shaking hands in his, dropping his forehead to hers.

“I’m not mad at you for thinking it, Gwen. But you gotta say it out loud, make it real, so we can move past it.”

Deep down she knows he’s right. Part of her wishes he wouldn’t be as great as he was, because when fear comes creeping like it does now, it makes it all the more unbearable—losing him quickly becoming her biggest nightmare.

“You’ll hate me.” She whispers.

His voice is groggy when he speaks again, like he’s been crying with her all along, only his eyes are dry. “I will never hate you.”

“But you’ll leave?”

He shakes his head. “I won’t. I don’t believe you want me to”, he smiles softly. “But sometimes you feel like it would be easier if you did…”

“ _Yes_.”

As soon as the word escapes her mouth, she’s pushing herself into his chest, both of her arms attempting to wrap around his waist, as if she’s physically trying to keep him from walking away from her.

“You’re not the only one who’s scared, baby girl. We both are. We both have trust issues; we’ve both been broken by someone else. Nothing about this is easy and I don’t expect you to feel like it is, no matter how great we are together.”

“It _is_ easy with you.” She whispers in his chest. “Being with you is easy, but this whole situation…. this situation isn’t.”

“No it’s not.” He whispers in agreement, his hand brushing through strands of her hair.

“I’m just so scared, Blake. Scared you’ll leave me, scared I won’t be able to keep you. And you’re too good to lose.”

“You’ll have to try a whole lot harder to push me away, sweetheart. It ain’t happening.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.”  
  
“You are amazing with me, you’re amazing with the kids, you didn’t deserve any of this. I let my fears get the best of me again and took it out on you, while I promised I wouldn’t let it.”

He gently moved his arms to her lower back, swaying her a little as he tried to get the tension out of her muscles—the movement actually getting her to relax a bit.

“You talked to me. You let me in and told me how you were feeling although you were scared out of your mind to do so. That’s not running away from me, Gwen. That’s running towards me—it’s _exactly_ what you promised you’d do.”

She’s in disbelief of this man and his golden patience, his words always managing to bind the pieces of her heart together, even when her sharp edges are threatening to cut him.

“I love you Blake and I don’t need a life that’s easy, but I do need a life that has you in it. Please know that.”

He places a soft kiss on her temple, his love for her showing in every little touch and gesture he exposes her to.

“I’m not going anywhere, darlin’. I’m completely and utterly yours.”


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This kinda sucks, but my inspiration for this fic has been severely lacking. I hope it’s not too rusty

Things have been a little different since that day in her kitchen. She can tell Blake’s been trying extra hard to show her he can handle her and her kids, and she’s been working overtime making sure he’s convinced about her feelings for him. She hated having to admit that sometimes things do seem like they could be easier if she hadn’t fallen for the handsome cowboy, who stayed over most nights now. For the first time since they’ve started hanging out, talking to each other doesn’t seem to come as easy anymore and she hates it. She hates how she made it sound like having him around somewhat burdened her, when that couldn’t have been further from the truth. 

Her ex-husband might’ve had less ammunition and her own guilt for changing yet another family dynamic for her children would be different, but life would be significantly less enjoyable if he weren’t in it. He brings her calmness and warmth and meets her need for affection with his own. He’s someone who holds compassion and kindness as his highest treasures and never before has she met another human being whose values were so in line with her own. She needs things to go back to normal with him; she needs them to move past this little hurdle in the road that she accidently put there.

She needs to talk to him tonight.

He’s been gone to Oklahoma for a couple days, taking care of some business there before the live shows were about to start. She knows he feels trapped when he stays in LA too long, so she never wants to pressure him to stay—even though she hates it when he’s gone.

Knowing he’s coming back tonight is the one thing that keeps her on her feet, while everything else seems to be dragging on; she’s been writing a whole lot, but juggling her kids, the voice recordings and working on a new sunglasses line, leaves her with very little time to actually record. To make matters worse, Kingston seems to be coming down with something and she always feels like she’s coming up short when one of them gets sick.

She’s been so busy running around on her free day, time luckily did pass quickly and before she knew it, she was counting down the minutes until Blake would arrive. He’d called her up earlier today to ask her what the kids liked to eat, being set on bringing them take-out. He said it was to relief her from the task of cooking, but part of her thinks it has more to do with wanting to become popular with her kids—she can’t blame him for that, but he should already know he undoubtedly is.

When the doorbell rings, she damn near sprints towards the door, opening it up to Blake’s goofy smile and bags of food in both hands. She wants to do nothing more than throw herself into his arms, but considering his compromised position, she just smiles and grants him access.

“Hi baby. I missed you.”

Her voice comes out whiny almost, but she doesn’t even care. She’s spent the whole day missing him and thinking about how much she craves just being close to him.

“I missed you too, darlin’.” He sets the bags of food down on the counter before turning around and pulling her into his chest. His tight grip indicating he’s been craving her closeness just as much.

The moment ends too soon, because he pulls away and scratches his scruff lightly. “You said anything Italian, which didn’t really give me much to work with…”

Her eyebrows raise momentarily before she realizes he’s talking about the food, smiling at how adorable he is when he gets slightly nervous.

“Well, Kingston is the picky eater but he’s sick, so he won’t be joining us. Trust me, whatever you got for the rest of us, is going to be just fine.”

She smiles as she closes some of the distance he put between them and wraps her arms around his waist, resting her head on his chest.

“King is sick?” He asks worriedly.

She just nods into his chest, maintaining eye contact. “He’s been burning up for two days now. Poor baby.” 

She waits for Blake to say anything, but he just looks at her as he stays quiet. There’s this unusual feeling in the pit of her stomach, one of nerves and unease—something she usually doesn’t feel around him.

“You okay, Blake?”

Her voice seems to pull him out of whatever place he just went to and he nods swiftly. “Yeah sorry, I drifted off there for a second.”

She looks at him sweetly, toying with the hem of his shirt. “Where to?”

He contemplates his answer for a bit, before placing a soft kiss on her lips. Again, one that ends way too soon for her liking. 

“I just wasn’t sure if you wanted me to come around today, so hearing about Kingston not feeling too well…. I don’t know, I guess I’m just even more surprised you didn’t cancel on me.”

Even though he tried to keep his voice as light as possible, his words still break her heart. He sounds so unsure and she hates knowing that she did that. She made him question her feelings for him with all her insecurities and doubts that have hit her extra hard these past few weeks.

She shakes her head and forces her tears back. “Blake….”

Hearing the guilt in her voice, he tries to shut it down gently. “I wasn’t trying to make you feel bad. Honestly Gwen, I get it.”

She shakes her head and tries again. “I always want you here, Blake. Always.”

To accentuate her words, she kisses him deeply, wanting to be sure he didn’t just hear but also _felt_ just how much she really wants him with her. She only pulls away because she knows her children are nearby and as much as she wants them to ease into their relationship, there are boundaries…

She clears her throat from the force of their kiss and finally allows some space between their bodies.

She appears to have done so just in time, because two very excited kids come barrelling into the kitchen the next minute. Barely paying attention to her, they both cling to Blake in a way that makes her heart beat explosively against her chest. When he finally gets them to calm down some and takes them to the living room, she stands up from where she’s seated next to him and addresses both him and her kids.

“I’m gonna check up on King and bring him some tea. Be right back.”

She makes a move to stand, but is stopped with a gentle hand on her arm. Looking up, she sees Blake looking at her a bit hesitantly.

“Uhm, why don’t you let me do it?” He asks softly. “Unless you don’t want me to ofcourse, I’m just…”

“Ofcourse, Blake.” She interjects. If her kids weren’t there she definitely would’ve kissed him to shut him up, but unfortunately her words will have to do. “He’ll love that.”

“He’s super bummed he couldn’t hang out with you today.” Zuma exclaims next.

Her middle child is oblivious to it, but Gwen can see the emotion in Blake’s eyes as he digests Zuma’s words. She smiles softly at the sight and reclaims her position on the couch.

“Why don’t you two help me put the food on the plates, while Blake checks up on King, yeah?”

She smiles up at him one last time before she takes the kids into the kitchen, determined to show him just how much she trusts and appreciates the relationship he has with all her kids individually.

*

 

He looks around the room carefully, eying Kingston laying in his bed, back turned to the door. This is all new territory for him, taking care of a sick child not something he ever thought he’d do. If he didn’t feel so bad for the kid, he’d feel happy at the opportunity to finally get to do so. 

“King?” He keeps his voice soft, as he knocks on the door quietly. 

Gwen’s oldest turns around to face him with glossy eyes, yet his skin is already looking a bit better, less pale.

“Where’s mom?”

Blake smiles gently. “She’s letting Zuma help her with dinner.”

A small grin appears on the child’s face and Blake’s suddenly struck with how many parental feelings he  harbours for the  little  person in front of him— and for the other two downstairs.

“I wanna be downstairs too, Blake. I don’t like  lying in bed all day.”

Blake chuckles at that, Kingston sounding almost five years younger when he whines like that. 

“Trust me buddy, you’ll be out of here in no-time.”

“I think I can handle dinner.” King says shyly.

Blake gently lays a hand on top of Kingston’s forehead, measuring his decreasing fever. 

“I don’t know, bud.” Blake says hesitantly. “I brought you some tea and crackers though.”

He tries to sell it with the biggest smile he can muster up, but he knows it’s shit dinner and the kid wants nothing more but to be included into tonight’s dinner downstairs.

Part of him wonders if he’s so keen on it because he’s here. 

“Blake?”

“Yeah?”

He watches as Kingston frowns for a moment, before deciding whatever it was he wanted to say, wasn’t worth it. 

“Never mind.”

“Hey...” Blake nudges him gently with his tone of voice. “You know you can talk to me, right?”

The kid looks at him a bit hesitantly before finally giving in.

“Are you going to stay? In mom’s life, I mean... and  ours ?”

_And ours_.

The words ring loudly in his ears, the weight of it fully resting on his shoulders— he’s ingrained into  all  their lives now and they  all  want him to stay.

“I’m not going anywhere unless your mom, or you and your brothers want me to.”

“We don’t.” Kingston interjects quickly. “But you can’t hurt my mom, she doesn’t deserve it.” 

Blake shakes his head in agreement. “No she doesn’t.” 

After looking over the little one for a few passing moments, he speaks again. 

“Something happen to make you feel like I was leaving?”

Kingston shakes his head. “I just like it when you’re around. Even though it’s kind of weird.”

Blake chuckles. “Weird, huh?”

“Yeah. My dad says it’s okay to  _not_ like  you... ”

How comfortable he felt two minutes ago, how nervous he feels now. He’s always known it was gonna be a bit of a struggle to find out his exact place in their lives and he couldn’t avoid the subject of their father forever, but up until this point he’s been lucky enough to not have to go there yet. 

Up until now.

“But I  _do_  like you.” Kingston adds. “That’s okay, right?”

His eyes widen as he coughs an awkward lump away. “Look, Kingston, I know how weird and confusing this can be. I _was_ you, I went through the exact same thing with my  parents... ”

“Did your dad hate you?”

“No.” He says firmly, tucking King’s shivering body under the covers completely. “And neither will yours.”

“He’s still my real dad.” Kingston says softly, more to himself than to Blake. 

“He’ll always be. I’m not here to try and take his place, I promise you that.”

The sigh of relief that escapes King’s lips breaks but simultaneously mends his heart and he’s thankful for being granted with the ability to say the right thing regardless of his own nerves and broken pieces.

“You should try to get some more rest, buddy. Your mom will be here to check up on you later.”

Still not keen on having to stay in his bed, he nods in defeat; Blake’s pretty sure the kid is feeling too shitty to fight him. Giving him one last pet on his head, Blake adjust the covers so they engulf him completely and points to the tea on his nightstand again before leaving.

*

 

“He’s doing a bit better already.” She says softly, her hands sliding from his shoulders to his chest, as she approaches him from behind where he’s seated on her couch. 

“I’m glad.” Blake answer genuinely, his own hands finding hers on his chest. “I hated seeing him feel so bad.”

She smiles at his words, reality hitting her hard—Blake is attached to her boys in a way she didn’t dare to dream about. It’s scary. It’s powerful. It’s them.

Reluctantly, she pulls her hands out of his grasp and walks around so she can sit next to him and nestle her way against his chest, personal space non-existent whenever Blake’s around.

“He said you guys talked.”

She left it there and she can tell Blake’s struggling with how much he should share and how much he shouldn’t. It’s exactly what their problem has been lately and this just proofs her point furthermore.

“Blake...” She whispers before catching his gaze. 

He seems to get her immediately, not needing any more words to spur him on. 

“I know it scares you.” Is all he says next.

She nods her head because yeah, at first she was scared, but now she realizes she has to face them and then move on. She needs to let her fears wake her up, instead of paralyze her. She needs to love Blake without a trace of it, so what they have can shine brighter and feel even stronger. She’s ready to do that now.

“We haven’t been talking like we used to.” 

Her words hang in the air between them, before Blake finally addresses it by nodding. 

“You’re right. Things have been tense.”

“It’s not like us.”

There’s a little voice in her head that’s telling her not to go there, to not make something big out of this, but looking at Blake’s gentle eyes, she realizes this is not her past, he is  not  Gavin, they can talk things out.

“I still mean every word I ever said to you.” She starts a bit hesitantly. “I love you and my world is so much better now you’re in it. That’s the truth.”

His hand starts rubbing up and down her arm, seeking the warmth from both her body and her words. 

“ I know you do, baby. I guess times have just been a little crazy for me, it’s not just us. You’re not doing anything wrong, Gwen. I love being here, I love you.”

She sometimes forgets just how much Blake deals with. He’s always so supportive of her and so strong, from an outsider’s perspective he seems always happy. He’s her pillar throughout all her rough times and he needs to be able to lean on her in the same capacity.

“You need to talk to me, Blake. Lean on me.”

And just as the words escape her mouth, he breaks.

She turns a little so she can hug him properly, and his head lowers to her shoulder. He clasps onto her shirt while the other hand caresses her hair, like somehow he’s still comforting her. His body shakes a little as she feels ragged breathes against the skin of her neck. She hates to watch him cry, but it’s moments like these that she’s reminded of how real and honest he is; knowing that he’s not shutting her out and trusts her enough to be this vulnerable with, is all she needs to know to make this thing work.

“ ’M sorry .” He mumbles after a while, but she just shushes him and continues tracing lacy circles over his shirt on his back. 

“I’ve spent so much time here because of the tapings, in _that_ house …...”

She winces at the way he talks about his place. She’ s well- aware of his dislike of the city and his rental here is nothing like his personal tast e, but she wishes she could do more. Even though he tells her how much he loves it here whenever he’s with her, she can’t always be there.

“…. It just reminds me of how fucking dumb I’ve been. I bought that place so I didn’t have to fly over each time and  _she_ could stay over there too, y’know?”

Her eyes close against the painful pressure building up inside of her chest, the feeling Blake’s describing all too familiar. She just nods, not trusting her voice, and urges him to go on.

“It’s weird because whenever I do get to go home, it feels different. Everyone there knows us as a couple, so being there alone or with  you ….it just brings along a whole bunch of questions I don’t really feel like answering.”

She knew it. She’s too different and the people close to him aren’t accepting of it.

“Blake, you know we don’t have to go there together anymore if you’re not ready. You don’t have to talk about me to your friends and family either, I…”

“No baby, that’s not what I mean.” He looks up from where his head was still buried into her shoulder, his eyes watery and red, but oh so genuine. “I could talk about you forever, trust me, I do. It’s just so much change and so many people that I stopped talking to after Miranda and I stopped being a thing. I guess I just expected to have more genuine connections with certain people and the divorce just happened to be a rude wake up call.”

She knows about the backlash he’s received from many in the country music community, but she always refrained from asking him about it too much. Up until now.

“Are you scared it’ll affect your career?”

“Oh I know it will.” He says determinedly, but surprisingly  with little to no bitterness. “And that’s okay. I’ve had some crazy good years, lots of success, I’m ready for that next chapter.”

Gwen shakes her head softly. “That’s not right. That’s not going to happen, Blake. You’re literally at the top of your game right now, there’s no way people won’t pick up on that.”

“I don’t know.” He says quickly. “All I know,  is that nothing’s the same and as much as I celebrate change, it’s hard to feel at home anywhere. The only time I feel at home or feel like I belong, is when I’m with you, Gwen. I can’t lose you, I’m just constantly terrified that you’ll...”

“Stop.” She says gently, her finger softly landing over his lips. “You’re not going to lose me. You tell me all the time; you’re not going anywhere—now let me say the same.”

“I love you. I know you already know that, but I need to tell you again.” His voice is low and the emotions that are still overflowing him make his accent come out ten times thicker, but she catches every syllable, every word. “And again and again.”

She’s caught by surprise when he flips them over so her back hits the couch and he’s effectively situated between her legs. 

“I love you.”

She giggles then, and no, it’s not as articulate as she wishes she would be in this moment, but she can’t help it. Hearing him say those words to her, feeling him so close against her, makes all ability to form words seem much less important—or possible.

“I love you too.”

Despite of the emotional rollercoaster they’re on, a cheeky grin appears on his face, earlier tears about to be forgotten.

“I think you need to show me.  _Right now.”_   


She bites her lip at the prospect and pushes his body more firmly on top of hers, sliding her hand down to his hardening erection. 

“I think you’re right.”


	14. Chapter 14

She’s thankful when she wakes up with his arm draped across her chest and his chin on her shoulder; she loves how he doesn’t back away from her, not needing any space. He seems to enjoy the feeling of waking up with her on his skin almost as much as he loves having him all over him right before he goes to sleep. It’s like their physical contact is always on, no matter what, and she wouldn’t have it any other way.

Things are about to get way more hectic, so she’s extra glad to have this down-time with him now. The live shows are about to start, rumours about them have been flying all over the magazines and no matter how hard she tries not to let them get to her, there’s this underlying fear that it will somehow affect her kids negatively—which is the last thing she wants to contribute to.

She must’ve been getting restless with her train of thoughts going down that path, because Blake starts shifting on top of her, his short breaths now getting longer as she watches his eyes open slowly. She doesn’t think she’ll ever get used to watching him wake up; Blake Shelton is always a sight to behold, but that moment right before he realizes he’s conscious gives him this soft look she could spend hours etching into her brain.

“Mornin’ sweetheart.”

His morning voice is another thing she won’t ever get used to, but that’s a conversation for another day.

Her fingers slide through his soft, unruly curls as she smiles. “Hi baby", she says lowly. " I hope I didn’t wake you.”

She adds that last part with a small smirk, but she sounds a little guilty. Blake seems to pick up on that easily.

“Waking up to this view beats anything I could possibly see in my sleep.”

She blushes at his blatant flirting, but doesn’t do anything to try and hide her reaction from him. He knows she’s still getting used to feeling treasured like he does her, which means not all his compliments or comments will necessarily get a reply—but she likes hearing them anyways.

“You’re cute, cowboy.” She replies with a small smile, meeting his eyes as he looks up at her with a smug look on his face; there’s something incredibly endearing at the way he gets all proud of himself when he gets to make her blush.

“I mean it.” He says gently, as his finger swipes a strand of hair out of her face. “God, you’re beautiful.”

She fights the urge to tell him to stop it, but he can sense it anyways. “And no, I won’t stop saying that, cause it’s true and you deserve to hear it.”

She’s already on edge about the upcoming weeks, so hearing his sweet words is enough to get her emotional this time. Not trusting her voice, she lets her lips do the talking as she softly, but intently places a kiss on his mouth. When she pulls away, he’s still staring and she giggles at his look.

“What’s going on in that pretty head of yours, baby girl?” He seems to still be observing her and sometimes knowing that he sees her so well makes her nervous.

“What do you mean?”

“You seem nervous, tense…” His words trail off as he nudges her a little, causing her to shift onto her side and face him.

She takes a deep breath, letting the gentle moment between them be her safety net. She’s lucky to have someone so patient and attentive as Blake—she knows she’ll have to be honest though, especially after the conversation they’ve had earlier; this thing can only work between them if they communicate.

“The Voice….” She says softly, meeting his eyes shyly. “I mean I’m super excited about it, but the live shows are going to be something else with the whole media circus around us and press waiting to grill us about it.”

She can tell he hasn’t put as much thought in it as she has.

“Baby, we don’t have to say anything if we don’t want to.”

Her hand moves to his arm and lays it there, squeezing gently. “I know, but rumours are already flying about how we started and with us literally being on camera together twice a week, they’ll only get worse.”

He tries his best to soothe over her nerves, but it’s obvious he’s not quite getting why she’s so stressed about it.

“I just don’t want to talk about us and add any fuel to the fire. I have kids to think about.” She adds.

“Then we don’t talk about it.” He says confidently.

“I don’t want you to feel like I’m hiding us or whatever.” She says shakily, her hand cupping his cheek. “Cause I’m not. I know it’s out there now and that’s okay, I’m proud to be your girlfriend.”

“You don’t have to convince me of that, Gwen. I know.”

“But you wouldn’t mind talking about it.” She says it as a statement, but her eyes betray the question behind her words.

“I also don’t have kids. I get that our situations are different; I’m just following your lead on this one.”

She admits she saw the conversation go much more difficult in her head and she’s once again taken aback by his sheer understanding and respect regarding her life and feelings.

“You’re giving me the biggest gift by letting me be a part of your life, Gwen. I’m telling you, spending time with you is all I need to realize how content I am and at this point in my life, during all this chaos… that’s all that matters to me. So no, I don’t care about who knows about us, or how much information you want to share—all I care about is that we are alright.”

She ignores her tears as both hands pull his face down for another kiss, her heart fluttering at his tender reciprocation. He has a way of talking all her worries down, no matter how intense they are. In her need to have him closer, she shifts onto her back and pulls him on top of her, giggling as he struggles to catch himself and relief her of his weight.

When he starts to softly moan her name against her lips, she knows she’s a goner; her name has never sounded so wonderful.

*

He’s nowhere to be found all day. She knows she’s been occupying all his time and he would have to leave her side eventually, but now out of all days was maybe not the way to go. She’s been stressing about these live shows for weeks now, the only thing calming her down were her handsome cowboy’s words; and now she doesn’t have those to distract her either.

To make matters worse, dropping the kids off at Gavin’s last night turned out to be a disaster. It’s hard to see her children so torn about two different addresses and having to face the one person she wished she wouldn’t have to—usually she crawls into Blake’s arms later, letting his kisses and sweet words be the balm to her aching heart, but like said before; he’s not here now.

She’s happy to see him again in a couple hours after hair and make-up are all done with her. This is the part she wasn’t nervous about, the part that’s safe and familiar to her—the part where she’s not in front of the world to which she’s known as ‘Gwen Stefani, the recently divorced Hollywood-cliché, moving on way too quickly with her country crooner’.

At least when Danilo comes in and instructs her to sit down, she’s momentarily too busy watching his creation come to live, for her to have many other thoughts about it. She still loves getting dolled up just as much as she used to, if not more. There’s a confidence that comes with every stroke of the brush and gloss on her lips; after years of being made to feel unwanted in one way or another, that confidence is now more needed than ever.

The little red and black dress, and thigh high boots she decided to wear tonight is much due to the confidence Blake gives her though; she can’t deny she’s been drawn to the more girly, extra feminine stuff ever since they started going out. He obviously likes her in whatever she wears, but she enjoys the thought of making him lose his mind a little when she goes all out testing his ‘less is more’ policy.

When Danilo gives her a small tap on her shoulder, indicating his work here is done, she gets up to watch herself in the life-sized mirror in her trailer, satisfied with how the look came out. She thanks her make-up artist and long-time friend before he makes a move to leave, stopped by something as he tries to descend the little trailer stairs.

“Hello Blake.” She can’t see Danilo’s face, but she can hear the full-blown smirk from miles away. If she weren’t so excited about the prospect of seeing Blake, she’d blush at the sound of it.

“Hi man.” She watches the two men exchange an overly-friendly handshake, before Blake comes in, greeting her with the biggest smile.

“ _Baby!_ ” She squeals as she makes her way over to him, her arms going around his neck as she revels in the feel of him nuzzling his face into the crook of her neck.

He takes a small step back then, holding his arm out to keep her at a little bit of distance as he looks her up and down, whistling somewhere in the back of his throat. She makes a move to swat at his chest, but he catches it with a swiftness.

“Darlin’, how in the world is this fair?”

She acts coy at his words, batting her eyelashes quickly. “How is _what_ fair, baby?"

He steps closer to her again, his arm pulling her more prominently against his chest as his other hand begins to feel her up; fingers moving from her upper back down her spine, eventually landing on her ass.

“I’m really gonna have to go the whole night without touching ya, acting professional and shit while the only thing on my mind will be you tangled up in my sheets later.”

She raises her eyebrows. “Is that where I’ll be later?”

“You’re right...” He says like a realisation just hit him. “They’ll probably be yours.”

She smiles and blushes again—man, she’s really feeling like a teenager all over again, unable to keep it cool in front of her crush.

“Whoever’s sheets they end up being, I like the sound of that.”

His fingertips slowly stroke over her throat next, and it’s quite possibly the hottest thing he could’ve done in that moment. She moans lowly when he finally kisses her, only putting an end to it when it gets too passionate. He looks at her a little disappointment and she giggles while pointing to her lips.

“Lipstick, baby. I didn’t sit through hours of hair and make-up for you to kiss it all off before the show.”

He bites his lip obviously and gives her ass a little tap for good measure. “You’re so damn beautiful.”

She smiles bashfully and adverts her eyes down. “You’re crazy cowboy, but I love you.”

It’s the first time since he’s set foot in her trailer that he’s giving her some space, her body feeling weird without the electricity of having him so close.

“How are you feeling about tonight, baby? I know how nervous you’ve been about the whole thing.”

She wasn’t expecting the change of subject, but she feels her heart explode at the tenderness and always attentiveness of her boyfriend.

“It’s scary stuff…” She admits. “But I’m also like really excited, you know? Like, you’re so rad and I love you so much—it’ll be okay. I’m ready for this.”

Her words paint the biggest smile on his face, which makes her realize her own fears must’ve caused a bunch of insecurities for him.

“Are you sure?”

She walks closer as her arms reach out for him.

“Yeah.”

Her arms wrap around him almost protectively, the way he melts against her so trusting and openly, makes her feel things she’s never felt before. His body now so familiar to her; the way it moves, the smell of wood and aftershave, even the sound of his heart beating, it all calms her down and by the way he’s relaxing into her touch, she’d say it does the same for him.

“I’m sorry.” She whispers, her hand rubbing softly across his back.

“You gotta stop apologizing for things, Gwen. You ain’t doing anything wrong.”

“I’m making this a bigger deal than it is, probably.”

He shakes his head. “We’ve already talked about this; you have every right to feel some type of way about all of this.”

She doesn’t know if he realizes his swaying her a little bit, his arms unable to keep still—to some it might be annoying, but she wishes this moment wouldn’t ever have to end; if only she could stay in his arms like this forever, safe from the world’s harmful people and opinions.

“I’m so lucky to have found you, Blake...”

“It’s gonna be just you and me out there. It’s _always_ just you and me.”

It’s the final piece of encouragement she needs—she’s as ready as she’ll ever be.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’ve been the worst when it comes to updating this baby, I’m sorry! I am in fact slowly finding my inspiration for this story again, so I'm gonna try to get better at this updating thing.
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter. Please leave some reviews/comments, because they help me immensely.

The live show ended up being much easier than she’d expected it to be. Maybe that’s a testament to the great friendships she has over there, finding it easier to deal with all the craziness when she has her long-time friend and guardian angel Pharrell sitting right next to her alongside with the equally as protective Adam on her right. The talent on that show will never fail to amaze her and she really does feel like this show enhances not only her love for music, but even her passion for the industry. Being able to give back after so many years of blessings and experience is a feeling she can get drunk on.

Something else that will never fail to amaze her, is Blake’s knowledge on music and natural gift of coaching. Lord knows he’s one of the most easy-going people she’s ever met, making it easy for everyone to feel comfortable around him, but he’s also just incredibly smart. She knows he likes to downplay himself, but sitting on the coaches’ panel while hearing him address their artists, she makes a mental note to express that to him once more when she gets him alone again.

And getting him alone she will.

It’s been hard focusing at times during the show, knowing she doesn’t want to be too obvious with it, but still unable to keep her cool the whole time with her handsome cowboy sitting on her far left. They steal glances every now and then, Blake even throwing some flirty comments her way during his time to talk, but for the most part they keep it pretty PG. She can’t wait for the cameras to disappear and Blake to be exclusively hers, her hands already itching to get a hold of him; pulling his body against hers, messing up his curls, sneaking down the waist of his pants…

Blake catches her eye the moment the producers announce the end of the show, his blinding smile coming closer as he holds his hand out for her to take. She does so without thinking, not caring about the number of people still in the room with them. Backstage they say their goodbyes to some of the crew members—Blake making it a personal mission to greet every single person he knows—and hug both Pharrell and Adam goodbye. She can hear Adam teasing Blake about something, but she’s too far out of reach to fully make out what he’s saying. Blake doesn’t seem to care much for it though as he rolls his eyes and makes a slight jab towards him, saying something about how much it sucks he’ll have to see Adam again as quickly as tomorrow.

When she finally has his hand back in hers again, leading them towards the backdoor, she realizes that _this_ is where the actual hurdles begin.

At least the cameras at the Voice tapings are expected and _supposed_ to be there—the flashing lights at the parking lot and even the ones that follow them down the road, are not.

Blake’s hand squeezes hers extra tightly when someone gets just a little too close and damn near stumbles into them trying to get the winning picture. Despite being in the spotlight for over twenty years, this is something she’ll never get truly used to. She tries to keep her expressions neutral, being experienced enough to know that once you give them a reaction, they never quit.

Blake seems a little less polished, his jaw clenching as his gaze is one of pure annoyance. She’s been so worried about her own reaction to all of this, she didn’t even think about the repercussions this would have for him. He’s a true city boy, not even comfortable with acknowledging himself as a public figure—and regardless of his mindblowing success, never has dealt with paparazzi this much.

There’s a sinking feeling settling in the pit of her stomach as she thinks about what this could mean for them in the long run, but she pushes it aside for the moment, realizing that he probably needs her to be stable more than the other way around. When they’re finally in the security of her car, she lets her eyes wander over Blake’s features, her hand reaching out for his over the consoler.

“You okay?” She whispers softly.

“Yeah.” He rasps, his lips attempting at a gentle smile. “Let’s just get out of here.”

She does as told, putting the car in drive as she heads toward Mullholland Drive. The car ride is unnervingly quiet as she finds herself too nervous to even look his way. Is he over it already? Did he underestimate the media frenzy and is he thinking about how much he preferred his life before she came in and disrupted his lifestyle?

They’re quiet still as they enter her now empty mansion, the kids at their dad’s again and she needs to shake the hurt of that even with Blake walking right behind her. Her heels come off before she’s even left the hallway, still not glancing back at him.

When she finally hears Blake meeting up with her in the living room, she feels herself getting emotional suddenly, hating the way her eyes fill up immediately.

“I’m gonna take a quick shower.” She mumbles quickly, trying to get away from him unseen.

“Hey!” He calls out for her softly as his hand wraps around her arm. “Wait a second.”

“You don’t have to say anything, Blake. _I know._ I told you this would happen. Please don’t make me watch as you realize you’ve been wrong about this all along.”

She tries to twist out of his grip, but his hand tightens around her arm, not enough to hurt but enough to keep her there. She glances down, refusing to meet his eyes.

“That’s not… That’s not what’s happening at all.” He says softly, his own heartbreak apparent in his tone.

She shakes her head in disbelief. “You haven’t said a word to me since we’ve left the parking lot.”

She can hear Blake inhale deeply before shakily exhaling and somehow it fuels the frustration she’s feeling inside. She knows none of this is his fault, but his inability to make any of this easier on them makes her feel like a toddler ready to have a tantrum.

“I didn’t know how to react.” He admits. “This is not something I usually have to deal with and they were so close, I can’t believe that shit is legal. I’m pretty sure it’s not, actually.”

She finally finds enough strength to pull her arm out of his grasp, as her other hand compulsively glides through her hair; her frazzles nerves jumping all together and in different directions.

“You said you were ready for this—that we were in this together.”

“We are.”

His voice sounds desperate as he tries to get through to her, but on some level, she feels like the damage is already done.

“It didn’t feel like it.”

She knows it’s the wrong thing to say as she says it, but her own anger about the situation doesn’t only shatter her ability to filter her words, it also shatters her sanity. She’s suddenly reminded of all the fights with Gavin that would scare her into avoiding eye contact, not wanting to see the way his eyes would narrow in on her, his mood swings recognisable by the way he’d draw in a deep breath and stare into her as long as it took for him to think of the most brutally cutting thing he could say to her.

“Hey Gwen, come back to me.”

His soft voice pleads with her, but she’s unable to grand his request. Her eyes staying glued to the ground.

“I saw it in your eyes…” She whispers as the painful pressure in her chest gets worse. “You regretted this whole thing, you regret me.”

His hand is on her chin then, lifting her head up so she’s forced to look at him. His customary warmth still lingers in his eyes, despite of the sadness pooling in his deep blue’s.

“You’re so incredibly wrong about that.” He says soft enough to match her tone.

“Don’t say that, Blake. Don’t fucking tell me I’m wrong when I could see it in your eyes!”

She’s stepping away again, backing up from his frame and holding her hands out in warning in front of her. She can see the shock on his features because of her little outburst, but he recovers quickly.

“OK, so I wasn’t prepared for all that bullshit outside of the studio, but Jesus Christ Gwen, can you cut me some slack here?”

She shakes her head again, the tears now falling onto her cheek, no longer able to keep them away.

“It’s fine, I guess I’m just being crazy. I’m gonna take that shower now.”

“No, talk to me. Let’s talk this out, Gwen.” He protests quickly.

“There’s nothing to talk about; you’re right, I’m wrong. What else is new?”

She doesn’t wait for his reply; she’s in the shower within minutes.

*

Not even the shower was able to rinse out the stress from her bones, her skin still feeling cold with fear and regret. She knew from the moment they’d gotten into her car that fear was starting to get the best of her again; Blake’s overwhelmed reaction to the people waiting for them outside involuntarily setting her off into a frenzy. What started off as a contortion of her stomach, became a feeling of being smothered by an invisible hand; once again seeing everything she’s ever wanted going up in smoke.

She tried to fight it until she got home, but instead she fought him. She’d made him feel guilty for not knowing how to react to the situation and now he probably left.

She’s changed into some comfy sweats and an oversized t-shirt that reaches far below her thighs. Her hair is up in a ponytail as she takes one last look in the mirror, wincing at the barefaced look with her eyes still red and puffy; she’s definitely looked more appealing in her lifetime.

The lights in the living room are still off as she approaches, but she can hear Blake moving around on her couch, sending a wave of relief to crash over her freshly washed body.

“Blake?”

“Still here.” He replies determinedly, his voice having picked up more strength than before she left to go shower.

Standing nearly in front of him, with his eyes still seeking out hers, she’s thrown for a loop and doesn’t know what to say anymore. She thought about what she hoped would come out if he was still here, but none of that seems to matter now, her mouth is staying shut.

“Come sit with me.”

He says the words softly, but he doesn’t sound like there’s much room for argument. She doesn’t want to argue, especially not with Blake. She sits down quietly, keeping her hands to herself on her lap, while fighting the undeniable urge to reach out for him.

She locks her gaze with his, feeling an overwhelming sadness at the hurt she obviously caused him by taking out all her fears on him like that. Years of not being enough and feeling unworthy came crashing over her when she saw him so taken aback by the media and somewhere deep down, _by her_.

“I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did.” She starts out softly, her breath hitching.

“You got scared, I get that. But after all we’ve been through already, did you really think I’d be scared off _that_ easily?”

His words cause her to look away again, her eyes filling up at its own accord.

“You said it yourself, you’re not used to this.”

He shrugs before shaking his head in agreement. “So?”

“ _So_ …” She looks at him exaggeratedly. “So this isn’t what you want.”

“That’s not what I’m saying. I’ve never said that.”

“You implied it.”

“I…. —” He cuts himself off, seemingly taking a deep breath before continuing. “Tell me how I implied that, Gwen.”

She thinks about the question hard, but comes up empty; she doesn’t know why she’s feeling what she feels, all she knows it that it’s there and it’s real.

“That look you gave me once we entered the car…” She whispers sadly, her memories feeling like it was all blending together and she had to settle on one moment she still recognizes with clarity.

He bites his lip rather forcefully, tearing his eyes away from hers as he chooses his words carefully.

“It wasn’t regret what you saw, Gwen.”

She was startled by his confession, but it wasn’t enough to keep her quiet—or render her speechless. Instead, it fuels her frustration more, cause why the fuck won’t he just come out and say it?

“Then what?” She asks persistently.

“Fear.” He says unexpectedly confident, his body turning so he’s facing her and his whole demeanour suddenly bold and forthcoming—like he’s challenging her. “Fear that _you_ might change your mind. I had to practically convince you we were going to be okay during the live shows and then we get hounded by the media the moment we step out. I knew it was a risk.”

His honesty stings more than expected, her body feeling like it’s heating up beneath his relentless gaze. If this were Gavin, she would do what she trained herself to do and swallow her tears and bite her tongue—but Blake demanded something else: _transparency._

In her own panicked state, she failed to see maybe the most obvious thing again; Blake needs the reassurance just as much as she does. It’s a never-ending cycle it seems, there’s so much ingrained insecurity between them, it doesn’t feel like it’s something they’ll ever get passed. It makes her hate Miranda, because a guy like Blake shouldn’t ever feel like he’s not enough for someone. It makes her hate Gavin too, but that’s something that’s already been established.

“Are you gonna say anything?” Blake suddenly breaks the silence as she realizes she hasn’t said a word since he started talking.

She’s a bit taken aback by the annoyance she hears in his voice, but she decides not to dwell on it. After her own outburst from earlier, she can’t really blame him for feeling some type of way now too.

“Why didn’t you just ask me?” She says a bit dumbfounded as she struggles to look at him again. “You just kept quiet the whole car ride.”

“I could ask you the same thing.” He retorts.

It’s not like them to not be able to talk something out, but somehow they seem to keep going back and forth without getting anywhere tonight. She rubs her forehead with two fingers, trying desperately to soothe the ache out of her skin.

“I told you I wasn’t going to change my mind, if you can’t trust that...”

“Don’t do that.” He says sternly, shaking his head at her words. “Don’t guilt-trip me, Gwen. I’ve had enough of that to last me a lifetime and I won’t let that happen again.”

Her heart is racing, her eyes widening as his words dawn on her.

“Blake, that’s not…. I didn’t mean to do that.”

He’s not breaking eye contact but something about him seems off, like he’s trying to shut her out and it’s both terrifying as it’s heartbreaking.

“Blake?” She starts softly, carefully closing some of the space between them on the couch until she’s able to place both of her hands on the side of his cheeks. “I’m sorry.”

There’s never a time she’s meant that more. He’s always so patient, so gentle with her and in a time where he just needed her to be the strong one and provide some reassurance, she failed to do so _and_ managed to remind him of the toxicity of his previous relationship.

“I know you’ve been hurt badly too and you’re scared.”

She whispers the obvious statements to him, waiting for a reaction but he keeps staring but other than that stays quiet.

“I love you. I shouldn’t have snapped at you the way I did. I’m so sorry, Blake. I’m a horrible person.”

That seems to put him out of his trance as he starts shaking his head quickly, her hands falling away from his cheeks as result.

“That’s not true.”

She nods. “It is. I keep taking my fears out on you and expect you to just roll with it. It’s just, you’re so good with me, too good sometimes; I forget that you need the same things as me.”

She suddenly can’t stand not being close to him anymore as she decides to take her chances at crawling into his lap—if he decides to reject her, that’s a risk she’s willing to take. She lets her head fall against his chest as her arms drape loosely around his midsection. She’s surprised to feel his own arms wrapping around her body, enhancing the contact instead of pushing her away.

She’ll never get over how good it feels to be close to him, to have him all around her. His hand starts stroking her hair and she feels the fight ebb out of her body with every lingering touch he presents her with. It shouldn’t feel this good, it shouldn’t feel _this_ right.

“How are we gonna do this?” She asks suddenly, her doe eyes coming up to his.

Blake exhales deeply, his hand playing with the end of her ponytail.

“We just gotta remember to keep talking to each other. Things go wrong when we stop communicating.”

“Gavin used to belittle me so much whenever I tried to have a mature conversation with him. I know you’re different, but sometimes when I feel a certain way about something and I wanna tell you about it, I’m scared I’ll get too emotional.”

“You know I don’t mind you getting emotional. I mean, I do, I hate seeing you cry or upset, but I would never make you feel bad for expressing yourself.”

She nods her head before burying it in his chest again. “I know. I just can’t shake the feeling sometimes.”

“I know how that feels, trust me. I got blindsided by those paparazzi today and I didn’t know how to talk to you about it for the same reason. I get it. I know it’s not gonna be easy, but I also know that I don’t regret this—I could _never_ regret this.”

Her cheeks flush red, still not used to being loved and reassured like this.

“I feel the same way. I’m really sorry if I made you doubt that tonight.”

She’s back to tearing up again, a sob getting caught in the back of her throat as she sniffles into his chest. Instead of rubbing her back in a comforting manner as she expects him to, he pulls her away a bit so he can grab her face with both hands and bring her in for a slow kiss.

“No doubts…” He grins at her slightly for the unintended pun, but she can tell he’s serious about what he’s telling her.

“No doubts.” She reciprocates, her eyes begging him to kiss her again.

He slowly moves them so he’s on top of her, her legs spreading for him automatically. Feeling his weight on top of her makes her realize how much she’s been needing this ever since they set foot on the Voice stage tonight; his body on hers both calming her down and keeping her on edge, a delicious mixture that makes for the most passionate sensation.

Her hands wander down his broad shoulders to his lower back, pressing him into her more firmly. She gasps as he starts placing soft kisses along her neck and collarbone, throwing her head back into the cushions as she lets him mark her.

Her arms tighten around his body as he continues to make her feel safe and loved, his ability to bring her pleasure almost too easy. The sounds of her breathy requests and pleas are the only things filling up the room for the next hour or so.


	16. Chapter 16

Getting through another night of filming became even easier than the first time, their argument from the day before completely forgotten as Blake keeps winning over the hearts of everyone he talks to, including hers. She has a hard time focusing as her mind runs back to late last night, after they’d talked for hours more and ended the night safely tucked against his chest. 

She finds herself in her own bathroom, touching up a bit as they decided to go out for dinner still; the timing was a bit weird, but they were both starving and neither one of them felt ready to end the night yet, despite the excitement from another round of live shows.

“You ready yet?”

Blake’s voice brings her back to Earth, realizing she’s spent way too long ‘touching up’ while he was still waiting for her downstairs. His large frame appears behind her as it leans against the wall, while she bites her lip under his gaze.

“Sorry babe, I’m almost done.”

“What do you even need to touch up on?” He asks while raising his eyebrows. “Look at yourself.”

She turns around on her heels, sauntering over to him with a swing in her step. “You’re just being cute.”

“Nah darlin’, I’m just calling it how I see it.”

The words barely leave his lips as a surge of passion washes over her and she crashes her lips against his immediately, catching his whimper in her mouth. He walks her back against the vanity, smiling as it earns him a small gasp from her. 

His knees trying to pry her legs open to stand between them have caused her dress to have ridden up a bit, her hands clinging on the back of his shirt. She’s not sure if it’s the penned-up tension from their fight from yesterday, or the sight of Blake in something other than his usual attire, but she’s suddenly a lot less interested in going out for dinner and much more interested in having him devour her.

His hand moves up agonizingly slow, until they rest underneath her breast. The dress didn’t allow for a bra, which she’s eternally grateful for in this moment, but also enhances the tease. She bucks up against him and accidently grazes against his hardness, earning her a grunt from Blake as he tries to keep the act up. 

“Let’s forget about dinner.” She whispers out of breath already, his grin causing her to roll her eyes in response.

He hums against her hair, his thumb swiping up to finally flick her erect nipple over the fabric of her dress, exerting a moan from her lips and a rush of liquid heat between her legs. His hand on her waist is still persistent enough to keep her in place, yet did nothing to keep her from squirming against his larger frame.

“Please.” She whispers again, hoping it would get her somewhere.

His chest presses more firmly against her, making sure she knows it’s still his show, but his hand that kept her steady on her waist, is now sliding slowly down her thighs and coming up just beneath the hem of her dress. She involuntarily arches further against his chest, her hand gripping his bicep desperately as she awaits his next move.

She feels the tension between her legs as his fingers keep teasing the soft skin along her inner thighs, before he gently slides his hand over the fabric of her underwear, chuckling as her breath hitches once more.

“Blake, come on.” She can feel the desperation mounting in unison and doesn’t know how much more of his teasing she can endure.

“Just a little bit more.” He murmurs lowly against her neck, ignoring her little whimpers of protest. 

He finally seems to lose control himself as his finger slides through her folds, groaning as his finger penetrates her slightly—not enough to get her off, but enough to build the pressure. 

She can’t breathe and her legs feel like jelly, the only reason she’s still standing are Blake’s strong hands holding her upright. She damn near cries when a second finger pushes past the material of her panties and joins his other finger inside of her, stretching the muscle as he soaks in the feeling of her slick walls around him. His knee wedges between her spread legs more firmly, giving him more room to work with.

“Jesus Gwen, you’re so hot.”

His two fingers slide out painfully slow, dragging her wetness between her thighs as she whimpers in pleasure. He lingers at her entrance, coating his fingers in the new wetness settling there before sliding it back up. When he starts slowly rubbing her clit, she’s had enough.

“Blake, stop teasing me. I can’t take it anymore.”

“What do you want?” He whispers as he continues the tease in between her legs.

“Fuck me.” Her reply is breathy, but her eyes are determined as she nods her head to make sure he knows she’s ready. 

His finger slips inside of her again, her moan masked by his own groan. She knows she must be dripping against his palm, but her inhibitions take a back seat as her hips rock persistently against his hand.

“Like this?” He asks.

She shakes her head no, because she wants him inside of her, _really_ inside of her, but her hips keep moving at their own accord, silently begging him to keep going.

His lips brush the skin of her neck before they skim the shell of her ear, while his fingers never stop pumping in between her thighs. The combination of his thick fingers inside of her and the gentle touch of his lips on her skin, has her crying out his name in throaty moans as she approaches her orgasm rapidly.

“Oh my god Blake, I _can’t_ …” Her words get caught in her throat at another particularly hard thrust of his fingers inside of her.

“Shhhh, just feel.” His hot breath against her neck only intensifies her pleasure as she’s holding on to him for dear life.

Her hips rock even harder into him, as she feels her body tense up, the warning signs of a mindblowing orgasm all around her as she gives him one last desperate look.

“Come for me.”

Just like that, her muscles contract as her orgasm ripples through her, Blake’s unoccupied hand tightening on her waist as he grounds her while his fingers move quickly, working her through her climax. Her walls contract around him as she feels the pleasure explode across her lower belly, her moans and whimpers muffled by his own mouth.

When they finally pull away, she can see the blue in his eyes having gotten a shade darker with desire, but also a hint of fear—fear of what they almost thought they’d screwed up. Despite the incredibly hot moment they’re still coming down from, there’s a whole other layer of emotional attachment there that she doesn’t want to skip over.

She watches his adam’s apple bob as he swallows back the anticipation of her next move as she tugs him closer by his collar, her hand on his bicep now lingering behind his neck as she tils his mouth down to hers. She leans up, brushing her lips across his at a devastatingly slow pace while all she can hear is her heartbeat thumping in her ears. 

“Do you even realize the kind of effect you have on me?” He asks quietly, as she can hear the vulnerability and fear in his voice, alongside with the underlying desire that’s still evident—but it is his words and admission that make her inside boil once more. “Losing you scares the shit outta me.” 

“I know.” She holds his face between the palm of both her hands, holding him off as he tries to go in for another kiss. The look on his face makes her regret it momentarily, but she knows she has to get this off her chest first. “You make me happy. Despite all the chaos and complications, you are worth it. If I was going to run, I would’ve done so already.”

“I just want you to be sure.” He whispers.

“I am sure.” She nods. “Are you?”

He frowns as if she just asked him the most absurd question—and maybe she has, but she needs an answer to it nonetheless. His hand reaches for hers placed on his cheeks and pulls them in between them, shifting her attention as she focusses in on him. 

“I couldn’t possibly be more sure about anything, Gwen. I know this is weird and I have told you this a dozen times before and you probably think I’m this needy mess of a person, but I can’t imagine not having you in my corner. You have me for however long you want me and I just keep finding myself hoping that’s for a very _very_ long time.”

She shakes her head in disbelief over how amazing this man is, before tugging at his shirt again and pushing him up against her more firmly.

“We’re gonna have sex right now. We’ll do dinner later.”

He chuckles as he lets her drag him out of the bathroom and she doesn’t even care about how desperate she comes across right now; life is all about priorities and right now she’s determined to put him at the top of her list.

*

They completely lost track of time and she busted into a fit of giggles when he offered to still take her out for that much-deserved dinner. It’s a crazy hour to still crave food, but after their recent activities she can honestly say she’s starving for something else than just Blake. With a simple nod, she agrees to going out, letting her hair down and throwing on some denim pants and matching jacket. 

Blake’s back into his usual attire, his hair a bit dishevelled from her hands running through it as he made her feel as good as only he can. She smiles at the sight of it, liking the idea of him not fixing it up, working as a little reminder of what they were doing behind closed doors. Everything about him is as close to perfect as you’ll ever get it, not even surprised when he uttered the idea of inviting her brother and sister-in-law as well, as they would be waiting for them at the restaurant already. She’s not used to any of her boyfriends getting along this well with her family and the relationship he and her brother have already managed to build truly surpassed all her wildest fantasies.

They wait for their Uber, realizing they both are gonna want some drinks and she leans against him on the couch as they wait. 

“You sure you want to go out?” She asks hesitantly, her hand running up his arm softly.

“Yeah why? You’re not hungry anymore?”

She shakes her head, afraid to bring the topic up again but also remembering him saying they needed to keep communicating. 

“I mean it’s pretty late for dinner so that might actually work in our favour, but I’m not sure about how lowkey we end up being. It’s still a pretty public place.”

He gets this soft look in his eyes when her words sink in and without any further ado his hands pull her face up to his, planting another slow kiss on her lips, reminding her much of how he took her breath away a few minutes ago. His tongue swipes gently across her still puffy lips before retreating, smirking at his handiwork.

“I wanna take you out to dinner, Gwen. No asshole with a camera is gonna stop me from doing that.”

Her mind is still mush from that kiss, her hands still resting on his upper arms.

“Okay.”

He smiles. “Besides, I’ve seen what’s in your fridge; unless we want to starve tonight, I don’t think we have much of a choice.”

She pokes her finger into his chest as she shakes her head in mock-annoyance, only breaking apart when they receive the text from their Uber driver that he’s arrived. Sitting in the backseat with Blake, she can still see a bit of nerves on his features about taking her out somewhere so public, despite his very convincing tactic making it clear this is what he wanted.

“Hey.” She nudges him a little which causes him to look at her sweetly. “You know I love you, right?”

His eyes light up immediately, his hand reaching out across the leather seat until it reaches her fingers, stroking against them with a feather light touch. 

“I do know that, but it never hurts to hear you say it again. Or a thousand more times.” 

She grins widely. “I love you, cowboy.”

“Love you too, darlin’.”

*

Dinner both did them good; they love hanging out at home and being as far away from the media and the chaos of the world, but there’s something about going out and being able to hold on to him in public that’s super refreshing and thrilling to her. She’s been married for so long; she feels like a teenager figuring out this whole dating thing again.

Her sister in law makes it known to her somewhere along the night that she’s not too subtle with it—the giddy demeanour Gwen carries around with her everywhere now, hard to ignore. She blushes at the comment, but luckily Blake doesn’t seem fazed by it all, he just holds on to her even tighter, ignoring the little puking sound coming from her brother.

When they’re standing outside waiting for their car to drive them back home, she’s pressed against the side of his body, feeling the butterflies in her stomach as she realizes it’s been so long since she’s had a date night with a boyfriend.

Blake dives into a conversation with her brother while keeping his fingers tracing up and down her arm, affecting her more than it probably should. She spots what she thinks could be cameras somewhere in the background, but she decides to ignore it for the sake of this heavenly feeling of having him so close. He seems oblivious to it too, which makes it more appealing to let him have this moment without the rude interruption.

“Hey Gwen, you with us?” Todd asks suddenly, which makes Gwen’s eyes snap up to his.

“Sorry, what did you say?”

Blake chuckles. “He asked if you could _possibly_ stand _any_ closer to me?”

There’s a mischievous spark in his eyes as he speaks, letting her know he really doesn’t have a problem with it himself.  In a moment of braveness, she turns around so she’s chest to chest with him, completely ignoring her brother’s teasing.

“Now I think about it, yes, yes I can.” 

She can see the ‘atta girl’ he doesn’t speak, as his hands come to rest on her hips, smiling widely. 

Their moment is briefly interrupted when the owner of the restaurant comes out to inform them about a difficulty with the vale driver not being able to come up this parking spot, asking them to walk with them to the back entry. Blake grabs her hand out of sheer automatism; the feeling strangely overwhelming, since her ex-husband never cared for that much and all she remembers seeing from her parents was exactly the thing Gavin would dismiss. 

She’s once again in awe of Blake’s ability to talk to literally everyone, as he makes small talk with the owner while occasionally squeezing her hand to show him he’s still with her. When they’ve all moved towards the intended pick up spot, the older man greets them all excitedly before giving Blake a firm handshake.

“Thanks for the hospitality, buddy.” 

“My pleasure, I hope to get to serve you guys another time.” He says friendly before looking over at Gwen and then back at Blake. “You’re a lucky man.”

The comment seems to throw him off for a second as Gwen watches the surprise on his face, before he recovers and manages at flashing his signature smile at the man.

“Don’t I know it.”

The man flashes him one last grin before retreating inside, leaving Blake and Gwen and her family alone again, this time on the parking lot of the back entrance.

“He was…. weird.” She whispers softly, her hands sliding back up his chest as she goes to stand in their previous position, before getting interrupted.

“Why?” Blake deadpans, his hands tightening on her hips again. “He wasn’t wrong.”

She scrunches her nose, unable to keep her face neutral. “I think that’s more a matter of perception, really.”

He shakes his head. “Nah darlin’, that’s very much a fact.”

She looks next to her, seeing her brother and sister in law engaged in their own conversation before leaning in and kissing him firmly, only pulling back when she realizes her surroundings. 

“I know everyone tells you you’re lucky all the time, _hell_ you probably say it the most out of everyone….”

“Cause it’s true.” He says before pecking her lips again. 

“We’re both lucky.” She eventually settles on.

She knows he’s into downplaying himself and having people do that for him now makes it easier for him to keep the charade going, but not many people have the privilege of seeing Blake behind the curtains. The Blake that truly lets his guard down and gets rid of his TV persona—which is close to his real self, just without the lack of confidence that is indeed there. She needs him to know that he’s not that far out of her league, if at all. There’s more to a person than their international credibility; Blake is a person who character-wise defines his own league.

“I can see the wheels turning in that pretty little head of yours, baby.” He whispers the words against her ears. 

She smiles as she pulls him in for a tight embrace, feeling his head lower to her shoulder. 

“Do you wanna know what I’m thinking about?” She asks lowly.

He nods against her, still holding her close. “I’m thinking about how amazing it is to get to do this in public now, no longer hiding my _country_ _crooner_ …”

Blake groans at her choice of words. 

“Ugh, what does that even mean? I swear I’ve seen it on every cover of every shitty magazine and I still didn’t figure it out.”

She laughs way too loudly, her head thrown back as she feels him chuckle too. “I don’t know, cowboy. But it sounds positive.”

She leans up to press another quick peck into his lips before their call finally pulls up and Todd is quite literally pulling at her arm. 

“Time to let go, lovebirds.” 

She hears Blake chuckle, but she can’t help but shoot him a bit of an annoyed glance. “How does Jen even deal with you?”

He doesn’t reply verbally, just raises his eyebrow suggestively. She slaps her brother on the arm softly, looking back at Blake as she tugs at his sleeve, wanting him as close as possible. They say their goodbyes and before she knows it, it’s just them again.

“Tonight was great, baby.”

He holds the door open for her to get inside, waiting until she’s slid all the way across the backseat. He sits next to her, finding her hand again and intertwining their fingers. She leans against his body, leaving no room for personal space, neither one of them seeming to mind.

He leans into her a bit more, until his mouth is pressed against the shell of her ear. “ _Oh_ , tonight is _far_ from over sweetheart.”


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Almost four months since my last update for this story—I'm sorry! My inspiration for this fic still isn't back completely, but I came up with this last night and figured I kept you guys waiting long enough. Not sure when I'll update the next chapter, but just know I'm not giving up on this fic. I will finish it one day, I just don't know when that might be ;)
> 
> Hope you guys enjoy this update though; any ideas or feedback is always appreciated!

“Just think about it, you don’t have to answer me right now.”

There’s no pressure behind his words, his features soft and inviting from where he’s sat on the edge of her bed. She’d been busy all afternoon cleaning out her closet, but effectively dropped her belongings on the ground when Blake brought this certain topic to her attention. She wants desperately to be unnerved by this conversation, but the way she’s fidgeting on her feet is enough to make her current state painfully obvious.

“Are you sure?” She mumbles quietly. “What would I even do there?”

She can tell by the expression on his face that they probably weren’t the right words and she silently curses herself for being anything but eloquent in this moment.

“You would do the same thing you’d do here.”

She shakes her head slowly, making her way over to Blake and comes to a stop right in front of his knees, both hands on his shoulders.

“But it’s not the same.” She looks at him carefully, trying her best to convey her feelings without hurting his. “It’s not that I don’t _want_ to be there…”

She sighs inwardly at her own fears, trying to mask the frustration that grows from it. They’ve been having a good thing going between them for a while now—there’s no reason why she should still be taking other people’s opinions into consideration, but there’s still a part inside of her that’s scared she’ll do more damage than good to his career.

“It’s too soon, I get it Gwen.” His smile is genuine and his fingers find hers on his shoulder, squeezing gently. “Forget I brought it up, okay?”

“No, Blake, it’s not too soon.” She says honestly, the weight of their conversation pressing down onto her much heavier now.

Blake frowns a bit, his hand not letting go of hers.

“ _Okay_ …. you just don’t want to—that’s okay too.”

She leans forward, capturing his lips with hers, not allowing him to speak any more words. He grunts a little when she deepens the kiss and brings her other hand to the back of his neck, her manicured nails scratching through the hairs she finds there.

When she pulls back, Blake’s eyes are still closed, his lips now shiny with her passion for him.

“Stop talking.” She whispers against his lips, hers curving up into a small smile. “I want to. I want to watch you be a king, I want to be there to support you, anytime, anywhere.”

“Gwen, does that mean….?”

“It’s just backstage, right?”

He nods immediately. “I’m not exactly planning on staying the whole show through; I’ll be there for the opening monologue, pretty much until my performance, then I’m out.”

“And you’ll be with me again.” She smiles.

“Gwen, are you sure?” He asks again, his voice lacking his usual confidence. “I don’t want you to just say yes for me and be uncomfortable the whole night.”

She shakes her head. “You’ll be there with me, right? As long as you just don’t leave me alone, except for when you’re out there ofcourse, I’ll be fine. It could be fun.”

“It could be.” He smiles proudly, his free hand making a come-hither motion for her to move in closer again. She obeys quickly, still not used to how easy it was for him to take her nerves away and replace them with a jittery feeling she hopes she’ll never take for granted.

“I’m so proud of you, babe.” She says sweetly, her finger wiping at some of the gloss that stains his lips. “You’re going to be amazing and I can’t wait to be there to witness it.”

The smile that takes over his face next is enough indication that she just made right call.

 

*

“You’re stunning.” He murmurs the words along the shell of her ear, his mouth trailing upwards to press against her temple as his hands wind around her waist from behind.

She looks up from where she’d been looking back into the small mirror as she perfected her make-up, catching his gaze as a spark lingers in his deep blues.

“I doubt it, cowboy—you’ve literally seen me in so much better.”

She agreed on going to the CMA’s with him this year, but since she’ll be spending most of her time backstage and the after party, she decided not to dress up. Plus, this isn’t LA—she could get away with not dressing to the nines; it might be better altogether, not wanting to draw too much attention to herself since she’ll already be the odd one out there.

“You should know by now that you’re always breathtaking, no matter what you wear. Or _don’t_ wear.” He adds with a wink.

She turns around in his arms, smoothing her hands down his vest. He doesn’t dress up often, but when he does she makes sure to savour the moment to the best of her abilities. She leans in to press a kiss to his cheek, catching the strong smell of aftershave and cologne. It’s crazy how that smell is now associated with most of her mornings and the press of him against her in bed.

“What are you even doing here?” She whispers, her hands gripping his bicep. “You should be getting ready for the show.”

“Someone was distracting me.” He smirks, trailing a finger down her side while pulling her closer, his hands gripping her waist. She shivers involuntarily, warmth pooling in her stomach at his touch. “I think I was just in desperate need of _this_.”

Her voice is barely audible when she tries to put it to use.

“This being….”

“This being you.” He smiles, his eyes dark and hooded. “It’s always you.”

He leans in as though he’s going to kiss her and her pulse races in anticipation, no matter how many times they’ve done this before. Her gaze drops down to his lips, her mouth parting on its own volition. Where she was hoping he’d go straight, he detours to the right, his lips softly grazing her ear.

“I guess I should really get ready for the show now.”

He steps back a little, smirking at the sound of her disappointed huff.

“You’re paying for that one.”

The wink he throws her way does just as little to ease her arousal as the words he utters.

“I’m looking forward to it.”

 

*

He’s always good at what he does, tonight being no exception, even though it _is_ different. It’s almost like being back here, celebrating the genre that he’s dedicated his life to, makes him more present, more invested—more emotional. Not to mention the backlash he’d been receiving from not only country music fans, but seemingly the genre itself. She’s seen him lose himself in performances often enough, the ease and nonchalance in which he performs only adding to his appeal, but very rarely has she seen Blake wanting to prove himself.

Throughout his whole performance she can’t do anything but watch him intensely, her eyes never wavering from the screen, not paying any mind to the other people in the room watching with her. All she can think about is how she’s lucky enough to know this man, his humility much less understandable when she witnesses him pouring out his heart so truthfully.

By the time to the music comes to an end and he steps off stage, there’s a rush of relief that washes over her at the thought of him joining her again. People have been nice to her so far, but she’s just much more at ease with her cowboy by her side.

She knows tonight is loaded for him in many ways, it being the first truly public appearance aside from the Voice after his divorce. It also being the first time he’s forced to be in the same space as his former lover.

The energy in the room changed the minute Blake walked in, everyone immediately congratulating him on the performance and treating him like the boss he is. She gives him a few minutes to bask in the glory, staying in the background until his eyes lock with hers and he's in front of her in a few quick strides.

His arms reach out for her and she’s in them a second later, her head resting against his chest as she enjoys the warmth he radiates by holding her so close.

“You were so good, baby!”

Her voice is way too high and squeaky, but she can’t get herself to care. She’s just so proud of everything he’s achieved and is _still_ achieving, proud of him being the bigger person, proud of him for never giving up on what he loves, never losing who he is, even with so many people rooting against him.

“It definitely helps knowing a certain blonde was backstage watching.” He smiles.

Her arms tighten around him, completely losing sense of not being the only two in the room.

“I sure was.” She beams, her chin pressing into his chest. “You were looking damn handsome too.”

“It’s kind of my trademark; without my looks I really don’t have much.”

She laughs, despite the self-deprecating aspect of his joke—the not taking himself too seriously, way too attractive for his own good.

There’s something about tonight that makes him even more handsome than usual; the way he glows while being here with her, while surrounded by people he admires.

They’ve come so far in the few months they’ve been seeing each other as more than friends—him asking her to come with him to the CMA’s only the beginning of their forever.

“You had everyone in here watching you with adoration in their eyes. It’s impossible for anyone to deny your talent, Blake—what you bring to country music.”

His eyes glisten with a certain kind of spark that only her genuine recognition can cause.

“I love you, you know that?”

She swallows hard, the words still crazy to hear. “I love you too.”

“You ready to get out of here?”

Her eyebrows raise, her hands resting on his chest as she looks up at him. “Already?”

“Yeah, there’s nothing here for me to stay around for. I’d much rather spent the rest of my night celebrating this performance with the one person who matters most to me.”

Her heart flutters at his words and it takes everything in her not to burst out into tears. She must’ve given some of that away with her facial expression, because Blake tightens his hold on her just slightly, keeping her close.

“Whatever you want, cowboy.”

He places a quick peck against the side of her head, holding out his hand for her to take as he leads them both away from the crowded venue.

By the time they get to the after party, it’s already quite crowded, the only people missing are the ones who still had awards to accept during the actual ceremony. She works hard at keeping the guilt at bay, knowing he should’ve been one of those people himself—probably _would’ve_ been if the circumstances were different.

She watches as he engages in fun conversation with some of the guys he’s obviously known for quite a while, yet are completely unfamiliar to her. His arm is still snug tightly around her waist, her own hand clamped around the large wine glass. With her hip pressed against his side like this, she doesn’t care much about what he does.

It’s not too long before Blake finds a way to divert the conversation towards her.

“I still don’t quite know how I managed to convince her to come out here with me tonight.” He smirks, his arm pushing her forward just a little bit. “Actually, I don’t understand how I convinced her to spend any time with me at all.”

The guy who introduced himself as Chris earlier beams at Blake’s words.

“Damn straight, brother. I hope you’re having an alright time here, Gwen—I know these things are a bit different than how they do it in Los Angeles.”

“It’s been fun so far.” She replies, her reply honest too; things have been nice and easy ever since she came here, most of her earlier fears seemingly irrational. “I think I could actually get used to these kinds of things.”

She nudges Blake a little during her answer, making sure he’s heard her.

“This might be the last time we get invited, so don’t love them too much.” He jokes, the words coming out through gritted teeth though.

“That’s bullshit, man.” Chris retorts immediately, relieving Gwen from the task as he steals the words from her lips. “Country music needs you.”

Blake pats his shoulder appreciatively, once again tightening his hold on Gwen involuntarily.

“Thank you, buddy.” Blake’s thankful voice makes her both happy and sad, wishing he wouldn’t ever question his position in the genre, in music period. She’s glad he at least seems to have friends who get it and won’t think twice about reminding him.

“I’m gonna get myself another drink, can I get you something else sweetheart?”

It takes her a few seconds to realize he’s talking to her, as she raises her still half full glass.

“No, I’m good baby.”

He looks at her once more, apparently asking without words if she’s okay to be left alone for a second and she smiles widely. He’d promised her he wouldn’t leave her alone during the night, and she’s hit with another wave of gratitude when she realizes he’s upholding his end of the deal. She nods sweetly, missing the way his arm fits around her so perfectly when he retracts from her.

She finds out Chris has known Blake for almost ten years, pretty much witnessing his come up and despite it being a bit weird to talk to someone who has so many years on her when it comes to knowing Blake, she finds out socializing here is much easier than she expected it to be—people much more accepting of her than she could’ve ever imagined before coming here.

Even as they’re apart, she can’t help but glance over to where Blake is, her eyes quickly spotting his tall frame in the room. It’s impossible to miss the girl talking to him either; her flashy appearance a stark contrast to the majority of people in here.

“That’s Chelsea.” Chris’s voice shifts her attention away from Blake momentarily as he looks at her with a small smile, obviously catching her staring. “She’s a Nashville reporter.”

Gwen nods her head in an _ah-ha_ motion, her fingers holding her glass up to her glossy lips as she takes a sip, exposing the long line of her throat as she tils the drink back.

“She has a thing for him or what?” She murmurs from behind her glass, the way the girl keeps trying to invade his personal space impossible to miss.

She hears Blake’s friend chuckle and if he weren’t the only relatively familiar one, she’d probably allow herself to get a little bit annoyed.

“I don’t know, I think she might be a little impressed by him, yeah.”

She chuckles. “I can’t really blame her for that.”

Still, the moment she watches Blake basically tell her off is the only thing that etches her genuine smile back onto her face. Unfortunately, it doesn’t last too long, noticing the way the girl follows him back.

His smile is wide when he approaches Gwen, but the underlying awkwardness doesn’t go unnoticed by her. His grip on her is a bit tighter than before, more distinctive, and she manages at a smile as he reads her insecurities so easily and so precisely.

Gwen is somewhat surprised when the girl introduces herself to her.

“I’m Chelsea.” The girl looks so excited to even be shaking her hand, she almost feels a little guilty for the way she’d been feeling towards the woman these last few minutes.

“I’m Gwen, nice to meet you.” She tries her best to keep her voice natural, friendly.

The moment her hand retracts, her undivided attention seems to be back on Blake.

“That was one hell of a performance by the way, Blake. I’m glad you could make it out here.”

Gwen tries to focus on the way Blake so easily manages to get a more general conversation going without ever coming off rude or off-putting. She’s quickly getting used to being the one in his arms as he talks to his friends—and Chelsea—erasing the pending awkwardness that was hanging in the air quickly. She interjects herself into the conversation ever so often, giggling at the occasional jokes Blake throws out there.

“I hope this means you’ll be here more often. I’ve heard you camp out in LA most of the time now.”

“It definitely became a bit more alluring.” Blake looks at Gwen briefly, winking. “Nothing could keep me from coming back here though, and Oklahoma.”

“I’ll be seeing you around then.” Chelsea winks and Gwen almost chokes on her drink, her eyes now persistently on the way too affectionate brunette.

“He spends most of his time cooked up in his million-acre ranch when he’s here.” Chris interjects jokingly.

Gwen wants to say she’s surprised when the girl steps forward, grazing her body against Blake’s like there isn’t enough space for her to go around him, placing her hand flatly on his chest.

“Maybe you should invite me sometime.”

“ _Blake, I_ —”

Gwen tugs on his hand a little bit, her composure seriously faltering as she’s a few seconds away from going off on the girl. She’s interrupted by the girl announcing her departure and Blake’s confused stare.

“It was nice seeing you again, Blake.” Chelsea utters lowly, her hand finally leaving his chest as she acknowledges Gwen once more before walking off.

“Okay, was that just me or was that _totally_ weird?” Chris exclaims a bit amused, his eyes wide.

Blake looks at Gwen, obviously waiting for her comment, but she bites them all back, knowing full well she has nothing constructive to say.

“That was…. _ridiculous_.” Blake chuckles and his friend laughs inhibited.

She doesn’t know why Blake’s tone and chuckle set her off, but it does. She manages at a small smile herself, downing the last of her glass’s content.

Despite having full trust in Blake and his loyalty to her, she can’t seem to shake all the times her ex-husband would get flirted with and how many times he’d accepted their advances behind her back.

“You okay?” Blake whispers against her ear, sounding a bit hesitant.

She nods her head, frustrated with herself for allowing her to get this far into that rabbit hole of dark thoughts during a night that’s supposed to be all about him.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Do you want to get out of here?”

She takes a deep breath, her hand squeezing his arm.

“No, this is your night. Let’s enjoy it.”

 

*

The unfamiliar hotel room is dark even when it’s illuminated, the darkness of the night much stronger than the LED light in their room. The familiar fabric of Blake’s large t-shirt covers her body comfortably while she walks around the room restlessly. She hears Blake rinse and spit into the sink, coming out only a few minutes later.

“I figured you’d be in bed already.” He says lowly, his hands encircling her waist from behind.

“Or maybe that’s where you _hoped_ I would be.” She retorts quickly, letting herself melt into his chest, hoping he doesn’t feel the way her pulse is nearly jumping out of her skin.

“That too.” He smiles, laughing softly against her hair.

Both her hands hold onto his forearm, relaxing into him as much as she can. Altogether, this night hasn’t been bad; Blake’s performance was amazing, most people she met were super nice and accepting and Blake even feeling ready to bring her to such an important evening should’ve been enough to erase any doubt from her mind, but she can’t seem to shake the bitter taste of that girl being all over him.

She’s jealous and she hates it.

“Are you ever gonna talk about it?” Blake asks carefully, yet confidently.

“Talk about what?”

Blake chuckles. “You can play dumb all you want, baby—you know damn well what I’m talking about.”

His honesty for once rubs her the wrong way and she’s out of his arms as quickly as she let herself fall into them.

“I don’t want to talk about it. Let’s just go to bed.”

She makes a move towards the bed, tugging at the covers when his hand effectively stops her motions.

“Hey….” He says softly, so softly it almost makes her cry. “I know that was weird and you didn’t like it.”

She looks up at him finally, his eyes soft and understanding.

“No, I didn’t. It was weird; you’re right. But what can you do?”

Blake shrugs. “Well, for starters, you could talk about it if it bothers you.”

“Blake, she was all over you and I was right there; _ofcourse_ it bothers me.” She retorts with a quickness that scares her. “I just don’t know what good it would do to talk about it.”

He seems to contemplate her statement before throwing his hands up in surrender.

“Okay, we won’t talk about it then.”

His smile confuses her as he finishes what Gwen started earlier and crawls underneath the covers, sitting against the headboard as he waits for her to follow.

“I just don’t get it, you know?” She sighs before falling into her rant, patting the mattress but never actually making a move to get in, instead she finds herself pacing again. “I was _right there_ , what did she think was gonna happen? Did she think you were just gonna take her right there in front of everybody?”

Blake chuckles and the look on his face tells her he knew exactly what he was doing when he pretended to let it go; knowing it would be all she needed to spill her thoughts.

“Blake, I’m serious.”

“I know you are, baby.” He replies quickly, his tone still sweet but a hint of amusement colouring his words. “I don’t know what she was thinking, but you know I don’t care for that stuff.”

“I wasn’t jealous.” She states, suddenly defensive. “I was just surprised.”

Blake chuckles again and Gwen’s tempted to throw a pillow his way.

“Just surprised?”

“What would you have done if some guy would’ve been _that_ close to me while you were standing right there?” She retorts, raising her eyebrow. “What would you have done if he’d pretty much offered himself up to me, indicating I should hit him up sometime?”

“I would’ve told him to take a hike.”

Gwen huffs out a breath, biting her lip. “I came close to doing that.”

“I would’ve paid good money to see that.”

Her face breaks out into a full smile, finally starting to feel these weird feelings subside as she lets herself enjoy just being in his presence.

“Why don’t you come here and let me show you just how much it’s only _you_ I want.”

His voice is so low, she feels it everywhere. Her legs involuntarily carry her over to the bed, letting his arms pull her on the mattress with him. He hovers above her, her hand reaching up to run her hand lazily across his jaw before rising to kiss him. It’s slow and languid, a compliment to the wine they’ve both been sipping and the relief she feels at being with such a patient man.

“I’m sorry.” She whispers, biting her lip again.

“Don’t be.” He whispers in return, leaning back as he relaxes her against the pillow, watching her. “It was already a stressful night for you, I get it.”

“ _Kiss me._ ” Her words come out breathy and between pursed lips, her breath already leaving her before he grants her request.

He leans forward with precision, capturing her lips with the same confidence he managed to pull her feelings out to the surface so easily. He grips her thighs as her knees cage him in, deepening the kiss as he manages to work her over so gently, yet so powerfully.

“I love you.” He breathes against her ear, before nipping at her lobe, licking the shell of her ear to ease the sting. “Let me show you how much.”


End file.
